My book falls onto the couch unceremoniously, not really caring about it anymore. I rub my face with my palms, hoping that'll take out the tiredness of my face, but I think I'm giving too much credit to my own hands. I'm tired, that's all there is to it. Someway, somehow, only two months onto the tour I feel like I'm about to collapse out of sheer exhaustion.

It actually feels like it's been ages since the last time I had a decent night sleep. Which isn't that further from the truth, but still. I rub my neck, suddenly feeling it stiffen. I think I'm just loosing my mind. I've kept telling myself it's just the tour taking its toll on me, but I think I've just being lying to my own face. I've gotten very good at that over the years too, you know? Yep, I've gotten it down to an art form. Especially about two years ago, when the Millennium album first came out. Amazing the kind of lies you can tell to yourself and just for how long you can buy them.

And the way you end up realizing that's just it, a lie.

I think it was rather hard for me, personally at least. It was... stunning, to say the least. It shocked me, paralyzed me, and almost killed me in the spot.

We must have been... what, a couple of weeks on the tour back then? We were on the top of the world, so to speak. The sells of the album had been great, beating all sales up to that point. I want it that way had been first one on TRL ever since its released and we finally felt like we were being respected by the industry and not just seen as another boyband.

Everything was great. Better than great. And then, all of a sudden, the floor on which I was standing started wobbling and came down. Hard.

I was in my room, going over through the pictures that would be send to one of few magazines we were able to decide upon to, trying to find the ones were we just didn't look too dorky. White had never been my favorite color, but the album had taken that color and the guys and I felt forced to wear it for most of the photo shoots, at least at the beginning.

AJ had specifically asked me to choose a picture where he didn't look too serious, Howie wanted one where his hair wasn't sticking out in every angle, Brian only wanted to make sure he wasn't looking rather lost and Nick requested not to look too chubby. I told him he was exaggerating, coz he was young and he was only growing into his height and weight, but he didn't actually listen to me.

Choosing pictures is a lot harder than it looks like; let me tell you. I had to think every one through for about a minute, fully knowing that if the guys weren't happy with my choices, they'd have my head for it. It's in moments like this that I wonder where in the name of God didn't I asked them to through them with me, but it doesn't matter now.

The shoots had been rather spontaneous, now that I remember. One of the main pictures, where the five of us were there, was the one that caught my attention. AJ was on the left end of the same, this rather weird bandana doubled in a rectangle and around his forehead. Howie was on his side, his hair tied back in a ponytail, smiling at the camera. Brian was on right corner, looking over to his right. And Nick and me were in the middle, so to speak.

What called my attention was the way that Nick was slightly behind me, his head right over my left shoulder, looking at the camera. He was smiling, his beret right in place, leaning over to his right. Surprisingly enough, I was standing leaning over to my left, slightly to his right shoulder, smiling at the camera, my face only inches from his, my height visibly taller than his.

It was amazing the way it actually looked like it was just the two of us in that shoot. Like, someway, we were the only ones that were posing right there, as the both of us were slightly apart from Howie and Brian, who were at my and Nick's side respectively. Like the camera was only capturing the two of us on film.

And, to my very own surprise, I seemed to like what I was seeing. It was with that picture that I realized that I liked seeing him and me looking at the camera. I actually liked seeing the two of us, side by side, smiling at the camera like we were meant to be together.

Realization hit hard when I saw that, somewhere along the way, I had fallen in love with him.

To say that I wanted to die would be the underestimation of the year. That wasn't supposed to happen. I was suppose to fall in love with a lovely girl, get married, have the white house with the picket fence and 2.4 kids, not fall in love with one of my best friends -- one of my male friends at that -- who also happened to be eight years, three months and twenty five days younger than me. It just wasn't.

But like most things in life, I hadn't actually being able to decide upon it.

I remember letting the picture fall down to the floor, swaying through the air slowly, taunting me until it reached the carpet and then looking back at me, Nick's and my smiling face plastered on the piece of paper.

The world as I knew it just changed that day. Everything just changed. The next couple of days I couldn't help but see Nick with different eyes. The next couple of weeks were really difficult, as I just couldn't understand how in the world I had fallen in love with him, how loving him like a younger brother had evolved into loving him like a man. It was the next month that I actually came to understand that I just might have been in love with him for a couple of years now, I had just been too blind to see it. And three months later I was finally able to look at myself in the mirror and say aloud, for the first time, that I loved Nick. Of course that I broke down and cried for about an hour afterwards, but I had been able to vocal it.

And now, two years later, that knowledge still comes back to haunt me. It's not that I'm trying to deny it. I've tried that already -- about two months after my epiphany -- and didn't work at all, only gave me one hell of a headache and a horrible case of insomnia. I think it's just that everything -- the tour, the fans and my lying to my friends -- is finally catching up with me. Yes, two years later, but it had to caught up with me at some point.

I can't actually talk with anyone about this. I trust my friends with my life, that's for sure, but this is something beyond my life. This is actually what makes my life. I've promised myself there's no way in hell I'm gonna tell Nick. Nope. Not happening anytime this century. I love the bugger, sure, but even after everything he's gone through at his short age I know there still are things he wouldn't be able to deal with. And one of his best friends and older brothers falling in love with him is so totally one of those.

I think I've managed pretty well for the past two years. We finished the tour, took some time off, got back together to record the album, went over to the Bahamas, wrote together, finished the album, did the 100 hours around the world and started the tour and Nick still thinks I see him with the eyes of an older brother. That's good. That's fine by me. It's better like this.

Right now, I'm just hitting a low spot. I've hit plenty of those through the last two years, and even before that -- I just didn't know where they came from. I just feel bad for myself for a little while, lonely and rather depressed, and then get back on my feet. Those times are the hardest, when I see Nick coming into my room for breakfast and I want to hug him, when during practice I want to caress his cheek or before a concert I want to kiss him. It's when Nick pulls a prank like the one last week that I realize that, for him, I'm just an older brother to bother. It's times like those when it's plain visible just how far away from me he is that I hit my lowest points. I believe it's one of the prices you must pay for falling in love with someone you just can't have. I'm pretty sure I'll have to deal with this for the rest of my life, so I'm trying to get used to it. It's just harder than it looks like.

I hear movement in the back of the bus and that brings me out of my stupor. I look at the hallway connecting the kitchen area with the bunks and the entertainment room. Nick is coming out of the room and walking over here. Great. Just what I need when I'm feeling sorry for myself.

"Hey Kev," Nick smiles at me, leaning against the cupboard, "what ya doing?"

I shrug nonchalantly, picking up my book that has fallen to my side. "Trying to catch up on my reading." Keyword: Trying.

He nods slowly, getting a coke out of the freezer and decides to join me in my misery flopping down on the couch by my side. He takes the book out of my hand and read the title. "Star Ship Troopers?" He tilts his head to the side, scratching his eyebrow. I think he got that habit from me. "I remember the name."

I run my fingers through my rather long hair. The stylist suggested me to leave it long, that it'd look good on me. It was uncomfortable at the beginning, but now I'm finally getting used to it. "Yeah, you probably do. We watched the movie in CineMax; remember? The one with the spiders and bugs." Him and Brian really enjoyed the movie. It was actually the movie that made me want to read the book.

His face lights up as he remembers. "Yeah, with Doggie Houser." Nick takes another look at the cover of the book -- which is rather thick -- before giving it back to me. "Why are you reading it if we've already seen the movie?" He takes a sip of his coke, his eyes fixed with mine.

"After watching the movie, I wanted to see just how different it was from the book. And, to tell you the truth, I like the book better."

"Oh," Nick nods slowly, respecting my wishes. I know he doesn't like literature that much, besides his comics -- if they can be called literature. But that's fine. That makes him who he is. He's sweet and enchanting just the way he is.

"Nick!" I hear Brian calling him from the back of the bus and both Nick and I turn to look at the hallway. "Come on Nick! We're waiting."

Nick chuckles. "Crap. Totally forgot. I was supposed to play against Brian after he beat AJ. Surprisingly enough AJ beat Howie. D is usually better than that." He stands up and smiles at me. "Tell me how it ends, ok?"

I nod, hoping I'll be able to focus on the book. "Sure. I'll tell ya."

He grins at me one last time before leaving.

I watch his retreating back, a tender smile playing on my lips. It's amazing the influence this young boy has in me. At barely twenty-one, he can control my emotions without even knowing it.

I think that's one of the things I love so much about him. He's who he is and he doesn't care about the rest. He's been in the spotlight half his life, in the band since he was thirteen, and someway, somehow, he's been able to stay a kid at heart.

And that's what made me fall in love with him.

I shake my head slowly, no one being there to see it. I know it's hard. I know nothing will ever come out of it. I know he'll never know and I'll have to eat my feelings whenever he's with someone. But that's just the way things are.

I remember when I was young, seeing my parents so very in love. I remember wanting that for me. Wanting to fall in love with a nice girl whose eyes would shine whenever she was to look at me, whom I would know was so very in love with me just by looking at her. I remember wanting to love someone so deep.

Now I do, but that person just doesn't love me back. Not the way I'd like him to.

That's just the way things are. I'm not going to ask for things to be different. At least I love him. At least I know what it is to be so deeply, head over heels, in love with someone. And I've got him close to me. I can smile at him, hug him and be with him whenever I want. I've got that much. Many people don't even have that.

Rubbing my face, I let out a soft sigh.

I know I should be grateful of what I've got, but I can't help but feel bad about not having what other people do have. I don't have that someone looking back at me with goggling eyes. I don't have that someone kissing me when I want to be kissed. I don't have him there just loving me.

I bit my lower lip. I can't be tearing up because of this. I can't be. Not here in the bus, not with the guys in the back. Rubbing my eyes with the palm of my face, I hope my eyes aren't too red. I don't want one of the guys coming here for a coke and seeing me in the verge of tears. I don't want them asking me about it.

Taking a couple of deep breaths, I'm finally able to see without seeing everything too blurry. I know I'm going to be fine. I'm always fine after a week or so of hurting too much. I just hope this week passes far quicker than usual. I don't want the guys seeing something they just shouldn't be seeing.

For a moment all I want to do is avoid him. Maybe if I just don't see him, don't talk with him and plain don't hang out with him, in a week or two I'll be able to breath normally and don't feel my heart breaking another notch every passing minute.

But how can I really do that?

Not only is him the person I love most in the world, but he's also my friend. He's my friend and I just can't ignore him like he's got the plague and hope the guys and Nick himself won't notice. That's not going to work out in this century and I know it.

Then what can I do?

It hurts to see him. It hurts. It hurts when I see him flirt with a girl. It hurts when I see him smile at a fan. It hurts when I see him kiss someone.

I clench my teeth together in exasperation. I want more; I know that. Not only do I want more, but also I think I deserve and need more than just this. I need far much more than just look at him with longing eyes every time he's in the room.

And even if I do avoid him, I know he'll always be in my heart. He'll always be in me, so why even go through the trouble of acting like he isn't?

I laugh bitterly under my breath as I rub my eyes with my fits. This isn't helping. It never helps, but it's like I always have to torture myself with the same thing over and over again.

I love him and it hurts.

I pick up my book again. The letters aren't mingling together like they were only thirty minute ago. They are actually making some sense. I find the paragraph I had last read -- and actually understood, which is like four pages behind -- and try to catch up on the line of the story. I don't want to think about what I don't have anymore. I don't want to think about Nick marrying some girl while I'm still in love with him. I don't want to think about him not loving me. I just can't think about it.

Finally being able to read, I force myself not to let the words loose their meaning. I won't think about it. I just can't.

I don't know if I'll be able to go through this week if I think about it.