"Nick, can you turn around? Lean against the wall and look over here."

I nod at him and do as he says. The wall I'm leaning against is this rather dark green color and looks totally cool against my black and gray clothes. At least I think the picture will end up being really great.

I turn my head just enough to see Brian being photographed about thirty feet on my right. At least we're saving time like this.

"Look down a little bit."

I comply, my eyes focusing on this very weird dark point on the floor. How long have we been here? An hour, probably even two. This thing was supposed to be wrapped up by now, but they also wanted single pictures besides the group ones. Somehow, Kevin didn't complain at that and just agreed.

That's something that totally surprised me. Kevin hates it when things run late and just take our time. It's not like we've got much to do after this, I know that, but still. We were suppose to have two hours off before going over to the venue and now, I'm most certainly sure we'll have to go right after this. That sucks. I wanted to finish the last level of this very cool game of my Playstation2. The thing is just so very complicated, but seems totally worth it.

I don't know why he didn't say anything. Kevin usually doesn't agree so easily to something like that. I've seen him fighting managers before and it's never pretty. Then why did he agree now? I don't know.

"You can take a break now."

I nod at the photographer and just walk over to the food table. We had a hurried lunch over at McDonalds. We had an autograph singing early this morning and then lunch. I pick up a tuna sandwich and walk over to the couch.

Sitting down, I can see Howie and AJ talking quietly. They are standing up, leaning against the wall, about fifty feet from where I am. And I can still see them looking at me from time to time.

I have no idea what is it with them, but they've been looking at me funny since yesterday. I open the sandwich and take a bite. And it's not like I did something. I haven't done anything since last week.

I sigh softly as I remember the last prank I pulled. Even though Kevin didn't really ground me -- not even yell at me -- for that one, I can still see hurt in his face. I wasn't even planning on taking the prank so far. I just thought it'd be funny and we'd all end up laughing afterwards. Guess I was wrong.

I take another bite. I want a coke. Standing up, I walk back to the food card. Once again, I can feel AJ's eyes on my back. What is it with him?

Getting a Coke from the cooler, I walk back to the couch. I don't think they're still mad at me for the stupid joke. Howie wasn't even mad at me and I think AJ just got pissed at the fact that we were almost late for the interview. Then what in the world is it?

Discretely, I take a glance at the two of them as I open the can. They are talking. AJ is whispering something at Howie and Howie is nodding. What in the world are they talking about? I'm starting to get tired of the hush, hush conversation.

I look around the room. Brian is still on the stool, smiling tenderly at the camera. I'm sure he's praying the damn thing will just stop. I never liked sitting. Somehow, standing up is just a lot more bearable than sitting down.

Kevin is sitting on the couch on the other side of the room, still engrossed in the same book I saw him reading earlier this week. What is it with him and books lately? It's like he just can't get enough of them. It's not that I don't like reading, I like comics, and I know Kevin likes reading. But not this much. Not everyday.

He's been so drawn into that book; he's barely spent a couple of hours with us. That and the fact that our schedule hasn't been the easiest this last two weeks. I frown slightly as I watch Kevin grimace at something he's reading. Could he get so deep into the book, he physically hurts because of it? I don't know. But he's been grimacing a lot while reading. If that book is doing that to him, then I'd rather lend Kevin my comics than see him in pain because of the damn thing. Education and illustration be dammed. A book isn't good if you hurt because of it.

Could it be he's still mad at me because of the prank? I didn't think he'd end up just leaving instead of grounding me. I was totally sure he'd forbid me play Nintendo for a month or so. Guess that after a while, your plans just start backfiring.

I care a lot for Kevin and I didn't mean to get him mad. Ok, so maybe I did. But it wasn't because I get some sick pleasure out of it. I just wanted him to be mad at me.

Whenever Kevin's mad at me, he pays more attention at what I do. He's always there. He's watching every single thing I do 24/7. He has to, since he has to make sure I don't play Nintendo or watch tv. He has to make sure I don't go clubbing with AJ or end up sneaking into Brian's room to play Playstation. He always does that.

And knowing that, I just like when I'm all Kevin's concern about. What can I say? I don't like sharing Kevin's attention. It's just... great whenever he only has eyes for me. What's wrong with that? Nothing.

Perhaps the way I want to achieve that isn't the best way there is, but I just can't seem to think of anything else.

It's not really the fact that Kevin forgets about me when he's not mad at me. It's not that either. He's like every good parent should be. He's always there for each one of us. It's like he knows when we need him.

When AJ and Amanda were having problems, Kevin talked with AJ about it. And when they broke up, as far as I know, AJ ended up crying on Kevin's shoulders. That time when Brian and Leighanne were really nasty to each other ought to the wedding, Kevin decided to take Brian with him over to Kentucky for a couple of days so Leighanne could have some peace of mind. Kevin knew what to do when Howie was having personal problems about his sister's death. He always gets like that around the time of her death, but this year was the worse. Kevin was there with him. I don't think I would have known what to do. Not even AJ knew what to do. But Kevin did.

And he's always been there for me.

For as long as I can remember, he's been there.

I guess that has a lot to do with the fact that I was only thirteen when the group first stated, but still. He's had to endure so many things from me. I have to recognize I wasn't the easiest teenager. AJ was slightly worse, but Kevin had to endure me the longest. Everytime I broke up with a girl, Kevin was the one who got all my whining. And my crying. He's been there for me.

And as of the last year, I think I just felt like Kevin thought I didn't need him anymore. So what if I'm twenty-one? That doesn't mean I don't need him. That doesn't mean I don't want him around. That doesn't mean I don't want him playing Nintendo with me just so he can complain about me cheating and me not respecting my elders.

I want him around. I've always wanted him around.

I think I always will.

He's been such a huge part of my life... I don't think I can even phantom my life without him.

"Kevin!"

I hear the photographer calling Kevin out and I turn around to see him. Kevin nods at the guy and leaves his book on the couch. We walks over to the background they've set up for him with a grace and security I'm not sure I've seen in anyone else but him.

He stands up against the wall; his arms open wide, looking at the ceiling. The photographer takes the pictures away and I can't help but look at him.

Kevin's face is serious, closed up. I've seen him with that face more times in my life that I could even begin to count. He's always like that. At least whenever it comes down to pictures or the fans. I'm glad I can say one of the very few people who have seen his face in a rainbow of emotions. He's gotten mad, furious, livid and I know his eyes turn darker. I've seen him laughing, joking and grinning and his eyes clear.

Then why is it that in the last couple of days I don't even remember seeing him without his poker face?

I sigh softly as I take another sip of my coke. Kevin is changing positions. He sits down on the floor, in the space where one wall meets the other. One leg is sprawled on the white tile, the other one pressed against his chest and being hold there by his arms. His head is leaning against the wall, his face looking over to the corner.

I can't see his face from this angle, but something inside me tells me he's sad. I don't know why I think so, but I just know.

I stare at him for more than just a moment. He looks so... sadden. And I have the feeling that it's not only for the picture.

He looks sad and lost.

And it breaks my heart.

I just want to go over there, hold him close to my chest and erase all his pain. He's done it for me so many times, why in the world can't I just do it for him this once? What's so wrong with wanting to see him happy?

I just want to see him smiling, to see his eyes so very clear I can see myself in them and his nose wrinkling in that endearing way of his.

I just want to make him laugh with his whole body, to hear his laugher rezoning from his chest and reaching my ears.

I just want to...

I just want to love him.

My mouth opens slightly; my eyes loose focus and I can feel my hand opening. I catch myself just before I let the can of Coke fall to the floor and call attention to myself. Placing the coke on the nearby table, I try to catch my breath. I need air in my lungs as it suddenly feels like I've been kicked on the gut.

Love him? That's what I want? I just want to love him?

Where in the world did that come from?

I turn around and look over to Kevin. He's standing up, and walking to another background. This one is a lot nicer. It's got a dark blue background and a divan. The photographer instructs Kevin to lie down and Kevin does as told.

He lays down, one arm curled under his head, the other one along his midsection. He's looking down at the floor, focusing on a spot I just can't see.

Kevin is just lying there, with no care in the world, and I'm here about to have a nervous breakdown at the age of twenty-one.

I sigh softly, rubbing my eyebrow and trying to see the head and tails of this situation. Could it have been a mistake? Could I have meant loving him as a brother?

I shake my head slightly and turn around to look at him again. He's changing positions. He props himself up on his elbows, his head lying against his opened palm. He's looking right at the camera and his eyes have darkened.

And as I look at him, the only thing I want to do is just go over there, hold him and kiss him.

Groaning softly, hiding my face in my hands, I try to breath. Again, I can't seem to inhale air for more than just a second.

Oh God.

How am I going to handle this? What in the world am I going to do?

It's not like I can talk with anyone about this. I would usually talk with either Kevin or Brian if I had a problem. I can't talk with Kevin for obvious reasons and Brian... I just don't think he'll react that good naturally if I tell him I just realized I'm in love with his cousin.

"Oh god," I groan lowly, pressing my hands even closer to my face. I'm in love with Kevin.

I'm in love with Kevin.

How subreal can that be? How movie like and just down right fictional?

I shake my head. I'm in denial. I can tell. I'm in denial because I know that the minute I actually accept it, my whole world is going to come crushing on top of me.

How in the world can I actually accept I'm in love with one of my best and closest friends? How can I accept me falling in love with a guy I've called my brother for over eight years?

I just can't. That the whole point, I just can't.

"Guys!"

I lift my eyes from the floor and turn to look at the photographer.

"I wanna take a couple more shots with this background. I will just take a minute."

I stand up, not really caring about it anymore. In any other given situation, I would have been fuming, since he's taking up our down time, but right now that's just not my priority.

"They always say that."

I hear AJ mutter under his breath and I know he's talking about the whole it will just take a minute thing. He's right. Photographers always say that and they always lie. It's as easy as that.

We walk to the back of the place, and out of the studio through the back door. The backyard is rather nice. There are lots of trees and the sun is shinning brightly.

"Why don't you just lay around? Sit. That's good."

I sit beneath the bushes and rest against the tree. The guys are all around, each one making a spot theirs. Kevin is on my left, right in front of AJ, lying down on the ground and just looking over at the sky.

Holding my legs close to my chest, I look at a point in the ground I'm not even sure I can actually see. My head is swimming with thoughts.

How long have I felt like this? Has it been there all along and I just realized or was it something that grew?

Have I ever loved Kevin?

That's an easy one to answer. Of course. He's the guy that was there for me whenever I needed him to. My god, he knows more things about me that even my own family does. I trust him with everything I could trust him with. I feel save and secure with him.

I feel at home.

I've always loved him. The only question now is since when am I in love with him.

Was it because of all the nights he spend with me talking when I was younger and didn't want to go to bed just yet? Was it when he started giving me advice on how to pick a girl and how to always be a gentleman? Was it when he would hold me whenever I broke up with a girlfriend? Was it while pushing me to do the best I could, to try harder?

I'm not really sure.

I remember a couple of years back, looking at him and smiling. He'd always make me smile. Maybe it was his very own smile that had that effect on me, I don't know, but he'd make me smile. Was it because, even back then, I was in love with him?

I don't know.

Gosh, I just don't know.

I remember joking with him, having fun and just being friends. I remember hanging out the two of us, forcing him to play Nintendo with me, and him just hating loosing. I remember falling asleep on his chest while going to this or that place. I remember asking him for advice. I remember looking up at him.

I remember loving him through my teen years.

I sigh softly.

Maybe I'm right. Maybe I was in love with him all this time, I just didn't know. I just didn't see it.

Maybe I just didn't want to see it.

"Good. Can you guys stand up and get together. Right. Great. Just get together."

I stand up and go over to where the guys are starting to gather together.

AJ stands under this bushy tree, Howie to his side and Brian catches up with them. Kevin is walking slowly over there and it feels like my feet are weighting a tone, since it takes a lot of me to join them.

Brian's standing on my left, AJ on my right, Howie besides him and Kevin in the other corner. Somehow, I was hoping I'd be able to stand besides him. I shake my head slightly, not wanting to think about it.

"Nick? You ok?"

I turn around and nod at Brian. I don't want to talk with him about it. "Yeah, don't worry."

He frowns for a second then nods.

"No... hmm... AJ, change with Howie. Nick, can you go over to Kevin's side? Between him and AJ."

I do as told, hoping the photo shoot will just end. I'm having a aneurysm here people, in case you just haven't notice. I'm having the trauma of my life and the last thing I want to is break down in the middle of a photo session and have the guys going ballistic on me.

"Good, now closer together. Hug each other. Good."

Kevin places his arm around my shoulders and I flinch slightly. I'm hoping he hasn't felt it, but I just can't be so sure.

My arm goes around AJ's shoulders and it's a lot easier, since he's shorter than me, but right now I'm taller than Kevin, so his arm slides down over to my waist. I'm sure he's feeling my love handles and I'm trying not to blush. I've always been rather self-conscious of my weight, ever since the I want it that way video. I mean, oh my god, I looked so fat back then.

I feel my heart soar as he pulls me slightly closer to his side. I just want to snuggle closer to him, feel his cologne in my nostrils and stay there until the end of time. I just want to be by his side.

"Smile."

I blink a couple of times and try to focus on the thing at hand. I smile my best camera smile even though I can't stop thinking about Kevin's arm around my waist.

Minutes seem like hours, even eternity in itself, as this has to be the longest photo shoot ever. They've already shot group pictures, so I'm hoping this is the last one of them all. I'm praying this is the last one of them all.

"That's all. Thanks guys. We're done here."

I let out a very long sigh of relieve as the photographer says so. However, when I feel Kevin's hand sliding out my waist, his body leaving my side and his particular smell fading away, I can't help but feel saddened and almost see my heart clenching together in pain. I never knew something so simple and even common as a touch, as him being my side, could actually mean so very much. I had always liked having Kevin with me, but it had never hurt so much, I've never felt this alone, whenever he left me. Never. And I just hate this feeling.

"About damn time," AJ mutters not so under his breath, hoping the photographer hears him. He turns around, looks hard at me for a second before giving me a smile and patting my shoulder. "Even my smile hurts at this point."

I try to give him what should resemble a smile, but when I see his frown I know it sucked. "Yeah," I let out a soft sight, "I know what ya mean."

After photo shoots we're usually tired and it's not that weird that one -- or all of us -- are slightly moody so I hope the guyss don't take it personally -- and don't think strange of it.

"We're already late." Kevin checks out his watch and shakes his head. I know we're late, it feels like I've been stuck in this place for a century. "We gotta get going if we wanna reach the venue on time for sound check."

He calls for us and we're moving out of the back yard and to the hallway. I'm lingering behind, walking with heavy feet and my head hanging low.

If I think too much about my latest epiphany, I can almost feel the air leaving my lungs and starting to have a panic attack. Is this how it feels when you're drowning? This despair in your inner self, the contraction of your lungs and the depravation of oxygen so powerful you feel like you're going to pass out any second? If it is, then I'm going to think twice about it next time I go snorkeling -- or bring someone with me just in case I do pass out.

I always thought that falling in love would be the most wonderful thing in the world. That I'd be dancing on one foot, running around the room yelling to the skies that I've found the person I wanna spend the rest of my life with. That I'd be bugging the guys, telling them all about this amazing and stunning persona.

Turns out it isn't like I imagine.

Turns out it isn't at all.

And the fact that the object of my affection is one of my closest friends doesn't help either.

Just then, Kevin turns around, says something to AJ -- I really have no idea, coz I haven't been paying much attention to either of them -- and grins softly. His eyes lit up and his nose wrinkles. My heart is swooning from side to side and I smile to myself.

I love him.

He looks up and his eyes met mine. Dark blue with clear green. And those emerald pools darken for a second and I'm almost sure he frowns for a split of a nanosecond before turning around and continuing his conversation with AJ.

I loose my step for a moment, tumbling over my feet like I'm barely learning how to use my legs. The guys don't catch it, of course, but Kevin's reaction makes me feel like I'm dying. Why did he frown at me? What did I do now?

"Hmmm..." I stammer along my words. "I'm going to the bathroom."

"We're already late." Kevin's voice is slightly cold and it seems to chill me to the bones, my heart trembling from it.

"I'll be back in just a second."

I take off before he can say anything else. I reach the bathroom and lock it behind me. Leaning against the faucet, I look at myself on the mirror.

My cheeks are flushed; my eyes a lot clearer than usual and my lips are trembling.

"Gosh," I lean further in my place, my legs and arms doubling, my forehead against the cold metal of the sink.

This is so hard.

It's so damn hard.

I feel tears in the back of my eyes.

This should have never happened. I was suppose to fall in love with a nice girl, marry her and have the house, 2.5 kids everyone dreams about.

Why in the world did I have to love my best friend?

"Shit."

I shake my head as the tears start spilling out of my eyelashes and my cheeks drench with them. My head hurts and my chest is burning with fire.

"If this is love, then I don't want it." I choke back a sob, trying not to make a sound. "I don't want it because it hurts to damn much."

I place my hand on my mouth and I cry on it.

It hurts.

It wasn't supposed to hurt.

It wasn't...

After about a minute I'm calm enough to look up at the mirror once again. My eyes are bloodshot now and there's no way in hell the guys aren't going to notice.

I open the faucet and start throwing water on my face. I gotta get my shit together. I gotta get my bearings under control before I totally loose it.

I look up at the ceiling and try to see everything from other perspective -- just like Kevin taught me to.

I grimace slightly as I remember his name and can't stop myself from thinking about him.

Why did I fall in love with him?

Was it because he was always there for me? Was it because he always treat me like a person and not just a kid? Was it because that even when we first started out and he should have spend all his time with his cousin, he always had time for a thirteen year old boy who was all alone on tour?

Was it because he always showed me love?

Was it because that, even as a brother, he always loved me?

I don't know.

"I don't know," I whisper softly to the empty bathroom. "I don't."

But it just happened. I just fell in love with him.

And even if he's not the person I always imagine it'd be, at least he's one of the best people I've ever met, right?

At least he's always there for me.

"Nick!" I hear Brian on the other side of the door, knocking on it loudly. "Nick! We're running late and Kevin is about to have a coronary! Hurry!"

"I'm going!"

I turn around once again and face myself.

I sigh softly, throwing more water on my face. Well, shit, it just happened.

I can't change the way things happened.

I loose myself in my thoughts for a second and come to realize that even if I could, I wouldn't. Even if I could change them, I don't think I'd want to fall in love with anyone but him.

For the first time since this enlightenment, I smile tenderly and from the heart.

I'm glad I'm in love with him.

I look at my reflection on the mirror, smiling back at me.

"I'm in love with Kevin Richardson." I say softly and my smile widens.

I am.

I shrug nonchalantly.

It's just one of those things that happens. Like when you fall down or trip over your feet. It just happens.

And I just happened to fall in love with my best friend.

Now that I think about it, it isn't that bad after all. I shrug once again. "No, it isn't so bad after all."

Unlocking the door, I open it and smile at Brian.

"What took you so long?"

I shrug. "Nothing in particularly."

Nothing and everything at once, actually.