Unbe-fucking-lievable.

Kevin is in love with Nick.

Fuck.

Kevin is in love with Nick.

Double fuck.

I shake my head as I walk over to the table in the middle of the living room. There are two empty glasses and a half empty bottle of vodka.

When Howie said we might need the alcohol, I had no idea he'd be this right.

No fucking idea.

Oh shit.

He's right. From this point on, things will never be same. And it's not the fact that Kevin is in love with a guy. That I can handle. I've got gay friends and that doesn't bother me in the last. I think what... surprises me -- not really bothers either -- is the fact that the object of Kevin's affection is Nick.

Nickolas Gene Carter. Backstreet Boy's Golden Child. The Pine-up boy.

A straight guy.

Out of all the people Kevin had to fall in love with, it had to be our little Nicky.

I sigh again. I pick up the bottle and place it back in the mini bar. I make my way over to my bed. On the nightstand is the alarm clock, big red numbers letting me know it's already 2.05am on a very dark Wednesday morning. Howie and I were talking until just a minute ago and for about three hours.

I sigh again as I start taking off my shirt. It falls unceremoniously on the carpet and I sure as hell don't care. Rubbing my haggard face, I walk into the bathroom.

I knew something was wrong with Howie in the way his eyes lost focus for more than just a moment.

"AJ, there's something I need to talk with you about."

I had the feeling he had had a fight with his parents or something like that. Maybe him and his brother had had another discussion. That I could handle. That I could have seen coming.

"I think something is wrong with Kevin."

When he said that, I was sure he was wrong. I was so very sure that if something was wrong with Kevin -- anything at all -- not only he'd tell me, but I knew that I would notice. I would notice. I was totally sure I would know.

I turn on the tap and hold water in between my hands. I throw it on my face and lift my eyes. I look at my reflection on the mirror.

The face that's looking back at me is a face I don't seem to recognize. I'm pale and I've got bags under my eyes. My iris seems smaller and my view looks lost.

"I would have known," I mutter at my reflection and I've got no answer as how I didn't.

How I didn't before.

I shake my head, leaving the bathroom and turning of the light as I do so. Maybe that's why it shocked me so much.

"Something big."

I still believe that out of the four of us, I know Kevin the best. That's why it should have been me who noticed the small changes in his behavior, in his speaking and in his body language.

"Really big."

But that doesn't matter. It bugs me slightly in the back of my mind, but it doesn't really matter.

What matters is that something is going on.

"I think Kevin is in love with Nick."

That's all that matters.

What matters is the fact that both Howie and I know for sure that Kevin is in love with Nick.

I take off my shoes, not even bothering to untie them. I take off my pants as well, puling my socks off my feet tiredly. Cast only in boxers, I get in bed as I yawn. Loudly.

Man, I'm tired. I pull the sheets up to my mid section. Placing my left arm crossed under my head, I move my other arm until it's settled on my chest.

Howie and I came to the conclusion that things must have been different for quite a while for Kevin's behavior as of now to be normal.

There's gotta be something for us to do.

"There's nothing for us to do J, you know that."

I shake my head as I remember Howie's words. He's wrong. There's gotta be something for us to do. Something.

Anything, goddamit!

"Fuck," I mutter. "Fuck."

I won't take not being able to do something. I just fucking won't! I won't sit around and watch Kevin suffer for something that shouldn't bring him pain at all. I won't take it!

"Arg!" I groan, clenching my hands into fists and placing against my forehead.

If there's, indeed, as much pain in Kevin's eyes as Howie says -- and I most certainly believe so -- then we gotta do something.

I had been thinking that maybe we could talk with Kevin.

"Are you out of your mind?!"

And just like I thought, Howie hadn't agreed. He says that we have to respect Kevin's wishes of not letting us know about this.

I don't think it's like that. Not at all. He's always trusted us completely. All the time. He was the one who used to say that if something is bothering us, then we should discuss it. That something that's going on with one of us concerns the rest. We've had that rule for as long as Backstreet has existed and I know that Kevin is breaking because of something else. He doesn't want to tell us because of something else.

He's gotta be afraid. I keep telling myself that that's the reason why he hasn't trusted us enough to tell us this. That's the only validate reason I can see.

"We gotta do something," I mutter to myself.

"We can't J, you know that. We can't. There's nothing for us to do."

I shake my head as Howie's words ring in my ears.

"No, we gotta do something," I continue the conversation, my voice loud in the empty room. I remember saying very similar words not even an hour ago. "We just gotta." I sigh. "If it had been one of us who had been in this situation, Kevin would have done everything in his power to help us."

And I knew I was right. Howie did too, and that had pained him. We both knew that and now we couldn't do anything for him.

"God," I sigh.

I rub my face again. I think I still can't actually believe Kevin is in love with Nick. That's just something I would have never seen coming.

How could I? Out of everyone out there, Nick just never seemed like Kevin's perfect match. Not to me at least.

I mean, the kid has been giving Kevin gray hair ever he met him. Sometimes, it seemed like Kevin couldn't even stand him when Nick got all childish. Nick had been pulling pranks on us for so long, and Kevin trying to ground him for that, that it's a tradition within the group. Nick is the classical kid at heart and Kevin has always behaved older than his age. Kevin had everything under control; Nick can't even have his room in order. Nick gets tangled in the sheets during his sleep, Kevin stays in the same position he was when he fell asleep.

They are black and white, top and bottom, north and south, water and oil.

And somehow, Kevin still fell in love with him.

I don't get it.

I probably shouldn't even try to get it, since love isn't something you can get, but I can't help but wonder if Kevin isn't just mistaking a simple crush for life lasting love.

Maybe I'm just praying that Kevin isn't head over heels in love with him, because if he is, then he's just going after a broken heart.

Nick doesn't swing that way. He never has, he probably never will. I've seen Nicky blush because of girls. I've seen him babble when he wanted to ask this pretty blond cutie on a date. I've seen him ogle our wardrobe assistant's cleavage from time to time. He will never love Kevin back. And I think neither of us will be able to take Kevin in this much pain for much longer. There will come a point when the other two will notice and all hell will break loose.

I don't want things to reach that point.

Kevin won't be able to take things if they reach that point.

"So what do we do?" I ask myself aloud. "What in the world can I actually do?" I let out a long sigh and I can almost feel tears in the back of my eyes. "As much as I hate it, Howie is right. I can't do nothing. I've got my hands tied and I hate it. I can't do a damn thing. Because Kevin does love Nick and because Nick doesn't love him back. Because it isn't just a crush. It probably never was." I sigh sarcastically. "It was always there, I was just too fucking blind to see it. Kevin eyeing Nick more than usual. Kevin hugging him in almost all pictures. Kevin worrying for him more than he should. Kevin's pained expression when Nick was with a girl. It was there."

It was there and I just didn't see it.

I rub my eyes, not wanting to cry over this. I'm sure Kevin has cried enough for the four of us. I'm more than sure that Kevin has cried because of this and I don't want to think about that either.

How could do that? How could he get through so much pain?

"I don't know." I mutter softly. I tend to do that when I'm thinking. I tend to answer my own question aloud. "I don't know how he did it."

He must known he loved Nick for a while known. He had and probably thought about the consequences. Sometimes the worse judges can be ourselves. I've been there more than once. Whenever I did something I just wasn't proud of, I've always beaten myself over it for the longest time.

Kevin probably did the same. He probably blamed himself for feeling like this, for loving Nick. He probably couldn't even handle it at first. It's gotta be so hard, I can't even imagine. He must have battled with himself for so long. Out of the five, I can't help think that him and Brian would be the ones having more trouble dealing with something like this.

Gosh, not even Brian, but him amongst us all. He's always been the one we've gone to when we just couldn't deal with something. He's been our protector. He's been our father figure.

And having him falling in love with a guy has got to shock him.

He must have blamed himself so very much.

He was in love with a guy.

And not even a guy. Maybe that wouldn't have been so bad, but one of us. One of his brothers. One of his little brothers.

He fell in love with the youngest of us all.

He fell in love with the one he almost raised himself. Nicky and I were just kids when we joined the group. We were two kids lost in the middle of the craziness that was the group. Two kids amazed at the fact that we were singing in Europe and having fans.

And Kevin was always so adult compared to us. He was the voice of reason and the one who put boundaries to all of our actions. He was the one who wouldn't let us stay till so late, because after all I was sixteen and Nick only fourteen.

He fucking raised us.

And now, seven years later, Kevin figuring out he was in love with the thirteen-year-old kid he met back when we were first starting out gotta have freaked him out.

I'm sure he freaked out. I'm sure he was scared and worried. I'm sure he didn't know what to do. I'm sure he was in denial for so long. Probably until he just couldn't take it anymore.

I shake my head slightly as all this hits me.

Kevin must have gone through so much. So very much. And he did it alone. Perhaps even thinking we would hate him for feeling like this.

So what if Nick is a guy? What if he's one of our brothers? What if he's nine years younger than Kevin? That doesn't matter.

I'm sure Kevin's feelings are nothing but truthful. He'd never play with Nick. He would never play with anyone. That's just not Kevin.

Kevin deserves love as much as either of us. Maybe even more. He deserves love and he probably won't ever get it because he fell in love with the wrong person.

He loves Nick and I'm sure all he wants is to love him.

And that's such a great gift. That's gotta be one of the greatest gifts you can ever give somebody. What better than give yourself completely? What better than give your unconditional love?

Nothing.

And Nick has it and he doesn't even know it.

I sigh slowly.

I'm not sorry Kevin loves Nick. Actually, I'm sorry for Nick. He's got love in the form of one of the most amazing guys I've ever met, and he doesn't even know.

He's got somebody who loves him until the end of time, and he is too blind to see it. So many of us would kill for that and he doesn't know he's got it.

It's not Kevin I'm sorry for. It's Nick.

He just doesn't know what he has.

I sigh again. I turn around on my bed and close my eyes.

I hope someday Nick figures it out.