My Statement to the World
I was brought into this world alone and cold. Screaming, I begged all to send me back. No one heard, no one listened. They took me from my blackness and shoved me into the bright, unforgiving world. All of you cursed me with this life, all of you try to keep me here. Alone, now and forever.
Yet, no one knows. No one cares as I rot inside. No one listens to my sobs at night. No one wants me here, but everyone stands in my way. Blocking my doors, closing my windows to my home, the darkness.
Only once have I felt safe. Only once did I feel my happiness and no other's. Only once did someone care. But my security was torn away again. I was sent back to my sunny, cursed world. Left to my pain once again. It eats at me, tearing small pieces, saving most for later. I fester inside everyday, my wounds torn at again and again. Seeping blood and all the evils within me. Slowly, taking me closer and closer to my home. I beg on my knees for the world not to torture me; just to pull out my soul and release me to my kingdom. Release me before my ebony sunset disappears forever. Yet no one lets me go and my black sun sinks farther and farther down.
No one cares, no one loves. I am invisible to the world, yet all who see me, shudder and cower in their bright sunshine. Hiding from this pain and with them taking my peace just out of reach. One day I will get what is rightfully mine. One day I will stop wearing this mask and let my black sun shine. On that day, all of you will be blinded as I am set free. As I go with my sun to that gray horizon and sink down to the boiling black ocean. One day you will trip and I will surge ahead. That will be the day you pay for all my torture. That day will be mine. Few will stand then.
Give me that now. Before I lose me guiding darkness forever. Don't let me rot knowing that I will die. Give me your hope. Again and again you push me down. Again and again you paint that smile on my face, trying to block out the source of your regret. Again and again you slit my throat, but never let me bleed.
I was brought into this world, alone and cold. Screaming, I begged all to send me back. No one heard, no one listened. No one ever cared. All of you prayed to your god, and shoved him at me. But all of you are wrong. You will die just as I live, alone and cold. No one will hear and no one will listen. You will see. All your hells, all your utopias will crumble beneath you, as you scramble for footing. No one, not even your god will reach to you and pull you back. You will be pushed through just as you did me and you will live alone and cold for all eternity.
Damned to a hell worse than you could ever imagine. Pure blackness; no light, no sounds...nothing. You will live in my world then. Absolute nothingness. That will be your doom. Just as you curse me to this bright world and shove all of your beliefs at me, you will have mine forced down your throat. You will be the freak then. You never gave me a chance and that will be the curtsey that is returned. You will be the one hiding from my black sun, you will be the one begging on your knees, you will be the one dying inside without a soul in my world knowing, you will be the one screaming into the night with a silent voice. Maybe then you will see this agony that I endure, maybe then someone will understand. But why must you live a thousand deaths to understand my misery? All you must do is look into my eyes and you will see the demons that tear at my insides. You will see the pain that burns inside of me, all you must do is look into my eyes and accept me. Accept my ways, accept my pain, and accept this, my statement to the world.
11/27/97
Dead Within
Every day, I wish, I wonder. What happened? What did I do? I lie to myself; I say, "He'll be back, he loves you." And everyday I end up alone once again. My mind knows he is gone, but my heart won't let go. It keeps reaching out, waiting for a caress that'll never come.
Every night I catch myself saying good night and every night I push back the pain that threatens me. I save the tears for another day. I tell myself, I'm over him, that I don't love him anymore, but I always whisper his name when I fear the worst. I always think of him, first. Not an hour goes by that I think not of those times. Those days of trust. I was content, safe, in love. Not a thing could go wrong. But it was I that was wrong. He left me here. He tore away that security. To this day, I don't believe he knows how much he did and still does mean to me. He was my whole life, my world. Without that love, I am exposed in a cold, dark nothingness.
I gave my trust and it was thrown away. Everyday I expect him to come back, but he never does, he never will. My heart doesn't understand that, and my mind is a maze of false smiles and silent tears. I long to sob, yet I am empty. My soul has been ripped away and lost in the night breeze. I see no future. I feel like I've died inside. I smile, while my heart mourns. I laugh while my body cries. As much as I try, I cannot accept the affection of another. I am scared of losing my world again, scared of being hurt. I long for a world of misery, but everyone around me rejoices. So I live with a barren smile, forced laughter and a hope that will only bring me darker days.
As much as I try, I can't blame him. I can't hate him. I send him away to better myself, yet I only sink deeper. Not only am I alone in mind, now, I am alone in being too. I thought his presence was torture, but his absence is even worse. As a cancer eats away inside, pure pain brings a new appearance. My eyes darken and lips pale. For once in my life I am losing everything that made me ugly, but blackness spreads across my face, giving me a beauty not even a demon would enjoy.
I feel an intense need to be alone, but I can't stay away from the hordes of people I despise so deeply. I wish to fit in with the people like me, but it seems I am a monstrosity in a society of abnormalities and freaks. We are all the same, yet every where I look, the others turn their backs.
This is my escape. A release of my pain. my happiness, my lost love, my helplessness, my intelligence, my entire world. My words give me freedom. Lightening my eternal burden for days, weeks and sometimes even months. At those blissful times, I return to these words and look at them with scorn, beating myself for what I think is stupidity. As soon as I escape I return to this savior of mine and throw it away, telling myself to stop dreaming. I am only stupid at those times, not now. I see the beauty of my pain as I read these words over and over. This is my release from all the world and the people within.
No matter who has destroyed my world and dropped me to this hell, I will always have this window to a pure joy, a utopia, made completely of the most intense pain ever felt. In this nirvana, I may shine on the out, but since that day, I am, and always will be, dead within.
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