My Sweet Demon
You tear out my heart and scratch at my eyes. You just cant' get enough can you? Each day you nibble at a different place, trying to get deep inside. You caress my cheek and wipe away tears, making everything good and sweet, while you gnaw on my sanity. Each day you take me closer and closer to that edge. Why can't you let me be? You bring back these terrible memories and destroy the dam I built against them. Each night my heart is torn out anew as you parade around my mind, forcing me to relive the past again and again.
Cool lips kiss mine and my body burns from within. I try to scream, but all that comes out is a whisper of your name. It used to be such a comfort, such a sweet melody, but now its a just another reminder of my mistakes and my pain. I long to release all of this into the dark, velvet sky, but each time I release you all I recieve is the cold wind bringing you back to me once again. I beg upon my knees for you to leave me; I long to live a day without you by my side, but you never go. You merely walk within me, day in, day out. Sometimes you are a blessing, a shoulder to cry upon, but at others you are the center of all the evil within my world, a demon at my side.
Salty tears slip down my cheek and fall to my pillow. You've come back once again, and, as always, you brought these terrible memories with you. You sit before me and sing a gentle lullaby as you slit my wrists with your terrible words. Crimson blood floods my consciousness and drowns out any sense of reality I ever had. I swim through this sea of the past hearing only those cutting words blended with the sweetest of sounds. I slowly close my eyes and give into your words once more. I feel your scaly arms gather me up and gradually begin to rock. You are my savior at times, a knight in shining armour, but it never lasts. You always want more and more. Just as I begin to trust you again you roll me back into that sea of anguish. My mind tells me to fight back, it tells me to flee from that evil that you are, but I can't. I can't run from you. Each time I go back for more, each time I long to die, yet I never do. I always force myself to swim back to my world and that horrible existence.
I look deep within myself and all I see is you. You are what is inside of me, my other self. I can't leave you, I can't change you. Even though you drown me in the deepest sorrow and slit my throat a thousand times, you always save me too. You're there when I need you to be, and you always will be. I will stand by you just as you stood by me. I look inside of myself and all I see is you. All I see is you, my sweet demon, all I see is you.
12/01/97
A Little Bit of Depression Thrown In
Every song I hear, every word I say, everything I even see reminds me of the past. My throat tightens and eyes burn. Everytime I have to push back those memories that threaten the dam I've built against the pain. I let my heart go and it was destroyed. Torn from seam to seam and thrown out into the night. No one was there for me then. No one gave a damn before I was loved and no one gives a damn after. I don't know why I expected any different. I guess I thought that once I was in love, nothing else could go wrong and the world would always be there for me. What a mistake that was.
I tear myself apart trying to find the flaw that caused this pain, but it never surfaces. I feel an intense need to destroy all the evidence that finds me guilty, but I can never find any. I search and search for the horrible thing I did, but there is nothing. I did nothing wrong, yet I rip apart my mind searching for a scrap of something evil in my past. Nothing satisfies me. I search on and on for something I'll never find.
Everyday I have an overwhelming urge to return to him and throw myself at his feet like a slave beneath his master. I feel an urgent need to make myself miserable once again. Like a dog returning again and again to the rotten carcass that made him ill a day earlier. Its pure insanity that drives me yet I feel no loss of senses. At times I feel an intense pain, at others I feel as though I am in control of everything that happens within this earth, yet neither are ever true. Both are just a blend of all the emotions inside of me. Sometimes sweet, sometimes sour. Its all in how I look upon the day each time I wake and how I push back the evils that I long to let out. Its just all in the piece of myself I choose to explore that day. I have no great evil within myself, merely massive confusion in a sea of pain, love, happiness and a little bit of depression thrown in.
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