Child of Today
Tonight my mother told me this, "It's a mother's job to help their children grow up." So now I've got a question for the world and for my mother in particular. Where were you? Where were you when I watched my wrists bleed? Where were you when I cried myself to sleep night after night? Where were you when they kicked me? when they made me bleed? Am I still a child? Where was my mother when I watched you wander around with another man? when I heard you tell him you loved him? Where was my mother? Where were you when my cuts were torn open again and again by that sorrow? Where were you when I tried to die? Where were you when I laid alone for hours upon hours wishing only to be held, wishing only to be comforted? Where were you? Am I still just a child? Where was my mother when I finally fell to the deepest pits of my personal hell? Where were you when all I could see was loneliness and misery? Where was my mother? Do I only grow up through grades and scores? Do I only grow when I am outcast? Where were you, my dear loving, caring mother, when they left me to die? Were you there when all I had were questions? Were you there when I cut again and again just to drown out the pain of my mind? Were you there? When do I get to grow up? When I fail? When I succeed? What is success? It is the car, the friends, the money that you long for so much? It is the accomplishment of my hatred for what you are mingled with the love of a daughter? What is this success you want me to have? Does it mean nothing that I love, that I care for another? Does it mean nothing to you that I died deep down inside and now, I live with scars still forming? Am I still a child solely because I am not you? Tonight you told me I was a child. I must pick my battles and leave the rest. What matters now, may not matter tomorrow. Today, I care to live. Will I care tomorrow? Can I die tomorrow? Yesterday I thought you knew me, but today.....today I'm just a child.
09/25/98
The Door was Open....
i didn't want to hurt you and so i stayed a while. i told the man to hold the door as i sat down. i knew you would hate me if i left without a proper good bye. i was afraid too. i didn't know if i could handle slipping into oblivion when i was alone. i don't want to leave when i'm alone. here, as i sit and think about it, my throat tightens. i was so close. the door was standing there, open, beckoning me, but i stayed. was it truly for you? or was it just fear? or was it just something that i don't do? it's like smashing all the glass when i feel the urge, i just don't do that. i behave. i was so full of hate, so ready to leave it all behind, almost ready to leave you behind? the tears are threatening now. it's harder to breathe. i was scared. i was terrified. i was so lost, so alone. i stayed for you, and for him. i knew he would come. it makes me shake just to think about it now. i was so close, so amazingly close....but i stayed. i stayed. for some reason, i can't figure, i stayed, and here i sit above the ground instead of below. It changed me too, at least, i like to think so. i love to be alive now. i still get lost sometimes, many times, in fact. i cry often, but i'm alive. i survived. i fought my self-loathing, my total hatred and i am here, still terrified of what i could've done, but i'm here. i stayed for you i think. i didn't want you to hate me because i left too soon. i didn't want you to be disappointed...i wanted you to be proud. i just wanted to live without that hurt. it could never get better. i was wrong. i still hurt, but i can live. you helped me live, you helped me heal, you taught me to love again. i was just so scared. i felt so alone. i had to be perfect, but i wasn't. i was supposed to leave, but i stayed to make you proud. i wanted you to love me before i left. you do now, but i won't leave. i can stay a while, a long while. the door's closed for a while. i'll stay and make you proud. i stayed.
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