Faith?
how can i do that? how can i have faith in something? everything changes, everything leaves. You say have faith in myself.....but i don't know who i am. why does it hurt so much to say that? why do these tears fall ? i look for faith within myself and i find pain. i don't understand. how can happiness turn to such doubt and loathing? she has that power. they all do. anyone that i love, can kill me. i show them my vulnerability and they kick me for it. she seems to enjoy it. i am so alone here...so unwanted. why is he never here when i hurt like this? do i hurt solely because he is not here, or do i just push it away when he is? why is there such doubt within my mind? why? i feel such an urge to be miserable...to be alone...yet i know i wish to die when i'm alone. this depression is a joy, but that loneliness was not. a loneliness such as that was a true hell....i begin in search of faith and here i sit, analyzing my self-hatred. everything returns to this self-hatred....where shall i find faith? you...i have faith in you. does faith have to be pure? no pain? you have given me pain, which is not truly unpure itself. does this faith count? this faith that i cannot tell you. but faith within myself. this is a concept i cannot grasp. i know my flaws. i know my strengths. but the flaws always seem to overpower the strengths. why must i miss him like this? i long for just a word from him....just something to alleviate this hurt...this ache. yet only sleep does this...putting it off until the sun has risen....hours and hours of this hurt. when depression is here, i find more joy in it...but in the laughter....i find such joy...and the joy of others. to see another smile solely because i am smiling....she smiles in disgust, in ridicule of me. i am but a joke to her. the one who isn't perfect......what am i to you? will you ever be proud? will i ever be what you want me to be? i look for faith. i look because you said to. where must i look? the cracks of my soul can hold nothing these days. i will please you. i will find this faith...i will find myself..
10/08/98
Beauty
all my life, i watch you. i learn from you. you are my mentor, my guide, my hope. i watch you smile, i watch you frown, i even saw you cry. i saw your weakness a thousand times, but a strength always shined through. i've seen you. i believe in you. so here, as i sit, i'm alone in this darkness interrupted only by the glow of the screen, i wonder. in all these years, I've felt your love, i've felt your anger, i've felt your pride, but how do you truly see me? am i what you hoped for that night in the hospital? can i live up to the expectations you hold? deep inside, i know you're proud....of me, of my work, of my love. but are you proud of this? are you proud of the scars i hold like trophies? of the hurt i learned to conquer? of the heart i glued together? do you even know? you see this youth, this hope, these dreams. you see it all...through the eyes of a father, of a friend, of a child. you saw my hurt, but you let me conquer it. you saw my pain, but you let me heal. you saw my death, but you let me live. i know you saw this. in your own way, but you did not help. a positive thing in many views, but i felt hurt through that too. all my life i've watched you, and i've watched others. i've seen their hate. i've seen their pity. i've seen their sorrow. what do they see of me? one saw ignorance. another saw pain. one saw hopelessness, and yet another found hope. but one, he sees beauty. in me, of all people, me. through all the scars, through all the hurt, through all the tears, he sees beauty. he sees elegance in these clumbersome thought. so here, in this darkness, i look to you. i know you see me. i know you see this child, reborn from pain. I know you see that hurt. but can you seem me as i am now? not as an infant, or as a child, or as your daughter, but as an individual....as me. i know that you are proud, but am i beautiful to you?
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