Miscarriage = Friends and Family

If you know someone who has just experienced a pregnancy loss, don't blow it with insensitive blabber or by avoiding them. Your comments and attitude will make all the difference to them. Here are some hints I've put together that have been compiled by various people who have experienced Miscarriage. This is what they want you to know... What many people do not realise is a simple "I'm so sorry, my thoughts are with you. Would you like to talk about it?" can make all the difference to a man and woman who have experienced miscarriage. Also visit Wish List
DO		DON'T
	Ring them or send a card to let them know you are thinking of them. A good time to do this is a few days to a week or so after the loss. If you send a card, still ring them a few days or a week later. Don't use a card or note as a way of avoiding verbal communication.		DON'T AVOID THEM. It's the worst thing you can do. They have just lost a baby, they don't have the plague! If you avoid bereaved parents it makes them feel isolated, alone and like they have done something wrong.
	Acknowledge there was a baby. Tell them how sorry you are that they lost their baby and that your thoughts are with them at this devastating time. Ask if they feel comfortable talking with you about the baby and what happened.		Don't mention the miscarriage once and then never again. The parents do not forget their loss easily or quickly. Many people don't mention it for fear of upsetting or reminding them. Unfortunately they don't need your reminder and they are already upset ... they live with this every day.
	Accept that the parent/s may have severe mood swings, even months down the track. Do not judge how they should or should not be feeling.		Don't say they can have another baby, they want the baby they lost!
	Do allow them to talk about their baby without changing the subject.		Don't say that next time, things will be okay. How do you know? What on earth will you say if it happens again?
	Remember special dates such as baby's due date, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, birthdays, Christmas time etc.	.	Don't be awkward and distant. It's not fair to make them feel uncomfortable just because you are.
	Bring them food for dinner, snacks or lunches. Cooking is just too difficult for them at this time. Offer to help with household chores. Don't be offended if you are rejected. Ask again in a week.		Don't pretend like nothing happened. It is very helpful to the parents when people acknowledge their loss.
	Ask about the baby, the loss or the events surrounding it. They will tell you if they do not wish to talk about it.		Don't say it's natures way of telling them something was wrong with their baby. To them, their baby was perfect and they loved it no matter what you think nature's saying!
	Remember that being around pregnant women, newborn babies or hearing conversations about them can be extremely painful.		Don't think or expect them to be "over it" in a few weeks or even months for that matter. Grief takes as long as it needs and cannot be rushed.
	Remember the Father! He is suffering too.		Don't think that a woman who was 8 weeks pregnant suffers less than that of a woman who was 18 weeks. Love and grief is not based on time.
	Call them on a regular basis even weeks and months later. Many parents feel forgotten after just a few weeks.		Don't say it wasn't really a baby because even at 5 weeks gestation that babies heart was beating!
	Acknowledge that there is no "normal" way for a person to feel or act. Do try to understand and not judge or make them justify their feelings to you.		Don't conclude their grief is unjustified because they "are lucky" to have other living children. Children are not interchangeable.
	Remember that they will not be "over" this in a few weeks or months for that matter. Their pain will last for a long time.		Don't tell them you know how they feel unless you have had a miscarriage and even then everyone grieves differently. What was right for you isn't right for the next person.
	Drop around "just because". Bring some flowers or chocolates or even a meal. Do talk about the baby. They will tell you if they do not wish to talk about the baby.