Chapter 6

"Can I help you with anything, Bets?" Pam had turned around when she stumbled into the kitchen, all bright-eyed and cheery-faced. They'd been friends forever, and Betsy still couldn't understand how the woman rationalized waking up with th sun. She, on the other hand, avoided all sources of light, artificial or natural, until the last possible moment. An hour ago she was lying in her bed, skirting along the border between unconsciousness and reality, when she remembered that she wasn't in frica anymore. That jolted her awake, and she'd been fighting to fall asleep ever since. Finally, though, her early-morning thirst got the better of her and she staggered down to the kitchen to relieve it.

"Something wet." It was the most intelligent thought she could mumble at the moment, which had to say something about her morning mental state. "Please." Well, at least she had manners.

"Juice? Milk?" Pam asked, rummaging around the refrigerator. "Coffee? Tea? Iced tea? Soda? Water?"

"Augh, too many choices!" Betsy cried out, covering her face with her hands, so the exclamation came out rather muffled. "Does Jess have any orange juice?"

"Coming right up." She pulled a carton out from the door and grabbed a glass from one of the open cabinets. "So, how's your first morning back in the States feel?"

"How does any morning I experience feel?" Betsy replied. "My ears are buzzing, my shoulders are bumping into every wall I walk by, and the world is a haze. It's like a drunken soap opera. Other than that, I love being home again."

Pam laughed out loud at this, while Betsy gulped down her juice. "Well, just the same, it's great to see you again." Suddenly her expression turned serious. "We aren't the only ones who know you're home, right?" There was a pause, in which etsy managed to purse her lips, scrunch her forehead, and squint her eyes before looking up at her friend guiltily.

"If I said yes, would that be the wrong answer?" she asked meekly.

"So you haven't told your parents?" Pam was obviously trying to hold back some kind of very strong feeling. All Betsy could tell for sure was that it wasn't exactly a positive one.

"I didn't see the point, Pam. We haven't talked in two years," she replied. "Why should they care if I'm home or not?"

"Because they're your parents, Hun!" Pam cried. "And you promised, yes, you did! You promised that you'd fix things once you were done over there!"

"Who said I'm not going to?" Betsy asked. "I just wanted a little time to figure out what I'm going to do. It's not like I can just show up at their doorstep one day and say, 'Mom, Dad, I'm home now, so can we talk?'"

"I'd like to challenge that notion," Pam replied. "And what was stopping you from thinking this through in Africa? Didn't you have an hour of free time after you were done during God knows what...."

"I was researching giraffes," she interrupted. "You knew that, Pam."

"Fine," agreed Pam. "But were the giraffes really all that interesting that you couldn't bear to get away from them for a while to figure out how to make up with your parents? For two years?"

"I really don't feel like talking about this right now," Betsy said.

"Pam!" A singsong voice, with just a touch of sadness in it, came through the screen door behind them. "Are ya coming to meet the locals, or what?"

"That's Jess. I have to go." Pam started out the door, but stopped a moment to add one last bit of advice. "I'm not going to make you talk about this anymore if you don't want to, Bets, but will you at least think about it? I mean really, riously think about it?" With that, she was gone.

The silence that surrounded her then was thick and suffocating. Slowly, memories of that last argument came back to her. George was there; her parents had told him to come by just in case they convinced her to change her mind and take back is ring. She didn't, though. Instead she announced her plans to leave the country. Dad was furious, yelling and swearing at her about how ungrateful she was, how terrible she had always been to everyone, and what a mistake it was to ever encourage her i anything she had done. Mom kept telling her to stop being so dramatic, to apologize to her boyfriend and get married. She really didn't believe Betsy had the ability to make such a life- changing decision without the help of her family. Well, she certain showed her, didn't she? It was the first time she defied her parents, the first time she didn't react when they screamed in her face.

And she really hadn't. Betsy sat and stared the whole time the fight was going on. Repeating the same sentence, "I'm not getting married, I'm going to Africa," every time they expected her to say something. Afterwards, as she was getting to her car, George came running up to her. He held her for a long time, until he realized she wasn't responding to his hug in any way, shape, or form. Then he let go, and with tears streaming down his face (hadn't she loved him for his sensitive side? o was that why she had to let him go?), told her he would always love her, no matter what happened. A year later, Susanne sent word of his engagement to Betsy's old next-door neighbor, and now ex-friend. So much for 'always.'

The buzzer on the dishwasher went off, and for lack of something better to do, she began unloading it. First she stacked the plates, then the bowls, and when she finished with the glasses, she realized her earlier orange juice hadn't reall quenched her morning thirst. Turning on the faucet, she grabbed the last warm glass from the rack and began to fill it with the cold water. A moment later, science class caught up with her, and the glass shattered in her hand, giving her a nasty gash on er thumb. Tears sprang to her eyes, which was surprising, considering her body had gone numb after Pam left her alone with her memories.

@*@*@

Jess seemed happy as she walked around the barn, stopping to pet every animal they passed and telling her their names in a high-pitched, baby-talk voice, but Pam couldn't really tell it she was any better. It wouldn't surprise her if Jess s partially over yesterday's crisis, if only because the fact that this Alex person had stayed with her for six months was the surprise of the century for everyone. Then again, it wouldn't surprise her any more if Jess hid away her bad feelings because e didn't want to let anyone think she was actually letting a guy get her down. Not Jess, not Ms. Independent. How could the woman who adored the word "bachelorette" even consider shedding a tear over a member of the male 'species'? But these were only s e of the thoughts running through Pam's mind that morning as she followed Jess and was introduced to the 'locals.'

"I'm thinking of quitting my job." They had circled the barn, and had just settled themselves down on two hay bales when Pam decided to use this as a conversation opener.

"Excuse me?" asked Jess, clearly taken aback.

"It's just not fun anymore," she replied. "When I first started, I thought my ability to bullshit was the best thing to ever happen to me. I could always make the politicians come off looking like the good guys. But nowadays, I want to do mething meaningful. Something more than writing a speech for the mayor to be read at the grand opening of the new library wing."

"May I ask where this is coming from?"

"I was thinking about it, last night after we all went to bed," Pam said. "It was like, I saw the rest of you all doing wonderful things with your lives, and then I look at myself and I wonder what I've done. Ever since the divorce, my lif s been in a rut. I want to get out of it."

"What do you want to do?" Jess was serious now, having gotten over her initial surprise.

"Well...." Pam drew out the word, unsure of how her friend would react to her idea. "I was thinking of trying my hand at writing. Professionally. Don't you remember how I used to make up all those stories in high school and college? I neve really gave that up, and I was thinking that maybe I could write one that's good enough for publication."

"If I remember correctly, some of the ones you let me read back then were good enough for publication," said Jess. "I don't see why anything should have changed."

"So you don't think this is a stupid idea?" she asked. "I'm not going to be doing anything rash or idiotic if I give the mayor my resignation?"

"Oh, I don't know," replied Jess. "It sounds rash to me, but not idiotic. I guess you should just wait and see how it crumbles. Cookie-wise, that is."

"Stop trying to quote old movies. You're just not any good at it," Pam said. "Jack Lemmon would be embarrassed to have you as a fan."

"I know, I know, I don't mean to do it. Things just slip out sometimes." She laughed. It was the first real one Pam had heard from her since yesterday afternoon. It was a relief. "Hey, you know what I'm going to do?"

"What?"

"I'm going to run inside and email Alex." Jess' eyes sparkled with excitement, which Pam found strangely disconcerting. "You said that you thought our lives were all going somewhere, but if I let this thing sit around and wait for him to c e back to me, I'll be taking a million steps in the wrong direction. I want to marry him, and even if he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore, he's got to know that before he leaves Washington." She jumped up from her hay bale, brushed off her jea , and started walking away.

"One question, Jess!" Pam called after her. "How long is this going to take you?"

She whirled around. "Why?"

"Well, I want to get my resignation sent before the people at town hall go on their lunch break. The mayor's best speech writer quits while vacationing in Montana. Gives 'em something to talk about between sandwich bites, ya know?"

Jess giggled and walked away. She sat there for a while longer, thinking about the decision she had just made. Wow, this was big. She was finally going after her dream. Two and half years lying in bed, staring up at her ceiling, thinking a ut it, and now, finally, it was a step closer to becoming a reality. Well, not yet. Almost. With one email, her ties to that small-town world would be severed. Then what? Maybe she should've told Jess her whole plan. The part that involved her might hav been important to throw in somewhere along the way. Oh, it didn't matter. Not that much. She'd mention it later, after she resigned. Tonight. Tonight she would tell Jess everything there was to know. She'd tell them all. If it came up.

@*@*@

Alex-
Yes. Yes, to everything. I meant to type that word last night, I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry I made you think my answer was no. I know I could have screwed things up last night. I knew it so well that I rode Socratesa to our special spot and cried for an hour and a half after it happened. Every second I'm hoping that your wonderful offer still stands. My friends are being optimistic, they're trying to have that attitude rub off on me. It's not working though. Oh, I hate this so uch! I don't want to talk to you through email anymore- I want you to come home. Even if you don't want to marry me anymore, please come back so we can talk one more time. I love you, and I miss you.
-Jess

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