Domestic Violence

Please be warned that this section contains disturbing, but necessary information.

The primary intent of my web site is to help others who have been in a similar situation as myself. I hope you can see that there is no such thing as just "another battered woman". I am a person with a lot of love to give, a smart person, a strong person, a survivor - a person with a life after abuse. It is so cathartic to be able to tell the truth about my life with him. Welcome to my website and my ex-husband's dirty secrets.

Links from my Domestic Violence page are (for the time being) organized as follows:

"words from a friend" Someone showed me this poem and it was just what I needed to hear...
WARNING SIGNS Have you wondered if your partner is abusive?
"Power and Control Wheel" from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, MN
"Safety Strategies" for victims of Domestic Violence and those who want to help.
"My story" A brief history and some advice.
"The List" of things he did to me.
"Helpful Book Listing"
Go directly here if you are contemplating suicide

Want to talk to someone now? Call 1-800-799-SAFE, or visit http://www.getaforum.com/phpbb2/?mforum=domesticviolenc .

A summary of all these pages follows below.

You aren't stupid or crazy. You are a caring, forgiving and loving person and you have been systematically brainwashed!

Here's a sobering fact:

*An estimated 6 million women are repeatly abused in their own homes each year.

These statistics are an underestimation, because so many victims are too scared or embarrassed to call for help. Of the hundred or so physical beatings I got, I never actually called. Some times he would dare me to call 9-1-1, screaming and taunting "I DARE YA! YOU WON'T CALL! THEY WOULD NEVER PUT ME IN JAIL!!! I'M A F*CKING GOD!!! (****-employer) LOVES ME! NO ONE WILL BELIEVE A STUPID SLUT LIKE YOU!"... (etc) A couple of times when I got the phone in my hand, he would yank it out and hit me more, saying "I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU'D CALL THE M*THERF*CKING COPS ON ME YOU M*THERF*CKING BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO MY MOM AND DAD! YOU COULD HAVE LEFT BEFORE THIS! IF IT IS SO BAD HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T LEFT! I DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU! YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME!" and so forth. As he was beating the crap out of me.
I wish I would have called the first time. When you don't stand up for your rights he learns that he can trample on them. It is very basic psychology - learned behavior. He is training you to be his slave, and you are training him to be your master.

Are you abused?

It isn't just hitting. There is Emotional, Physical, Verbal, and Sexual abuse. There is Neglect, Violation of your rights, Threats of Violence, Financial Exploitation. This is ALL abuse! Read more about this in Karen's WARNING SIGNS.

Your relationship with your abusive partner can be summed up in the "Power and Control Wheel" from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, MN. When I first saw it, I was shocked and sickened that my abuser, and my abuse, was NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER ABUSER/VICTIM. It was so cliche. He was a "textbook" case, and was nothing special. I realized that I wasn't a martyr, I was ABUSED. And he was probably going to "Accidently" kill me if I didn't leave soon. Remember, all abusers who kill their partners say that they were mad, and didn't mean to, and she caused it.

At the very least, you owe it to yourself to make a plan and get assistance from your local shelter. Check your phone book. Services offered usually include a 24 hr crisis line, emergency shelter, legal advocacy and support groups. I continue to attend support groups even 18 months after I left my abuser. I have been in many in many different states, and personally met over 1,000 woman, but it is ALWAYS THE SAME STORY!

"Safety Strategies" from the National Victim Center is very helpful! They have a lot of good advice to help you!

Please think about your children. Children who are raised in abusive homes may also be physically abused or sexually assaulted. They are always emotionally scarred! So many of the women at my support group now asked me to tell you "Don't stay with him for the sake of the children". At our meetings we talked about how it is much clearer after they leave. They see the emotional damage that the abuser has caused. YOU don't cause the abuse, HE DOES. But it hurts the kids so much. They implore me to ask you to get your kids into counseling as soon as you all are SAFE. Money doesn't matter. It is better to leave him and SHOW THE CHILDREN THAT THEY ARE IMPORTANT AND THEY SHOULD NOT TOLERATE ABUSE! If you stay, the kids, as adults, will probably become passive(victim) or aggressive (abuser). The kids may even attack their own mother (not having a positive female role-model) or be seriously hurt trying to protect their mother! "My story" is a brief history of my 8 years of abuse. I also share some of the seemingly overwhelming questions I asked myself as I planned on leaving him, and offer more support and advice.

Be careful. You have NO idea what your abuser is capable of, or how many days, weeks or months before you burn the toast and he blows your head off.

In case you still think I don't have any idea of what you are feeling and what you have been through, here's a list of the things he did to me, and why I left him FINALLY. I never went back, but believe me, I still missed him. Looking back, I don't know why. I was under a spell. Many women leave their abuser and later go back to him, only to find that the abuse gets EVEN WORSE! I heard this from so very many women at my support groups. But we all understood when they left the second time and went back. And the third time. Although I still wanted to go back to him, - the man I wanted him to be- I realized that he would NEVER change. The speckling of love and intimacy I received (only after a physical attack-he never tried to "make up for" the verbal attacks) was just an act, to keep me from leaving, protect his job and reputation. And my particular abuser only did the bare minimum. What a scumbag. Once he knew I was gone for good, it was like looking in the eyes of the devil. Here's "The List". I am sharing these intimate details in the hope that you realize how dangerous your abuser really is. Especially if he is my ex-husband. I am still in semi-seclusion, scared he will carry out his numerous threats to "hunt (me) down like a dog and blow your f*cking head off you f*cking c*nt."

Warning: This list contains implications of violence and very graphic language!

In 95% of all cases the victim of Domestic Violence is a woman. But all violence is unacceptable. For you 5% of battered men, here's a guy who tries to help: Help for male victims of abuse

Sadly, you find out who your friends REALLY are when you leave. Hopefully yours will stick by you. Refer them to my and other domestic violence web sites so they gain a more comprehensive understanding of your ordeal. If not, you will always receive 100% support at 1-800-799-SAFE, and at your local shelter.

Some links
Department of Justice Violence Against Woman Office
Kathy's page An excellent site for resources
Commission on Domestic Violence - very informative!
Out of the Blue - some friends on the web

in NYC

The are many more places than listed - and this is only for NYC! There are so many people to help you and safe places to go if you have to.

in Utica, NY

Your local Battered Woman's Shelter telephone # should be one of the first pages in your telephone directory!
It may be listed under "Family Services" or something similar, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They have information on the closest available help to you!

A list of Books which helped me: "References"

Back to the main page.



Want to talk to someone now? Call 1-800-799-SAFE, or visit http://www.getaforum.com/phpbb2/?mforum=domesticviolenc .

Last updated: 04 October 1998 1