Phase 1 - Tension Building
Batterer - Victim - Anger in low stage Nurturing, compliant Verbal harassment Denial of Anger minor battering incidents Justifies abuser's behavior is aware of confining behavior to home Blames outside stressors for abuse Fears loss of victim Assumes responsibility for abuse's behavior Becomes more possessive and jealous Continues to cover for the abuser Increased Level of anxiety and ANGER Alienates helpful support systems and isolates self Increased level of stress, anxiety and terrorPhase 2 - Acute Battering
Batterer - Victim - Violent discharge of tension and rage Passive acceptance "Teaches victim a lesson" Distancing, disassociation and disbelief Justifies and blames victim Minimizes injuries Impaired awareness Listlessness, helplessness, hopelessness,depression Emotional exhaustion Delays seeking help Decrease in self-esteem Decrease in self-esteemPhase 3 - Honeymoon
Batterer - Victim - Loving, contrite, kind Complete victimization Begs for forgiveness Guilt about leaving abuser Promises "never again" Assumes responsibility for abuser's promises Depends on victim's acceptance and Reinforcement for staying-feels needed validates behavior validated, and elevated
1. Can you state particular characteristic of his that you love? 2. Can you give examples of them? 3. How many essential characteristics of your "ideal man" does he have? 4. Does he accept your right to decide if you'll use birth control? 5. Does he think it is a wife and a mother's right to decide whether to work at a paid job? 6. Is he willing to have you spend time alone, even if he'd like to be with you? 7. Is he glad you have other friends? 8. Is he pleased at your accomplishments and ambitions? 9. Does he think women can and should be as wise worldly, confident, strong, decisive and independent as men? 10. Does he sometimes ask your opinion? 11. Does he both talk and listen? 12. Does he tell you when his feelings are hurt? 13. Does he think it is okay for men to shoe they're weak or vulnerable and to cry sometimes? Aside from right after he's abused you? 14. Is he able to express affection aside from the times he's sorry for abusing you and when he wants, or you're having sex? 15. Are there some special traits about women (ability to express emotions, willingness to be vulnerable) that he admires? 16. Does he like and admire his mother and sister? 17. Does he have good friends? 18. Does he have interests besides you? 19. When angry, does he break or throw things? 20. Does he lose his temper suddenly over small things, especially when he doesn't perform as well as he'd like? 21. Does he ask you about other men in your past? 22. Does he want to know where you've been when you've been out? 23. If you stay out late, does he insist on an explanation? 24. Does he believe husbands should make the important decisions? 25 Does he think there are any circumstances in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman (for instance, if he finds "his woman" with another man?) 26. Is he jealous of your friends or relatives? 27. Does he think you are with another man if you're not home when he calls? 28. Does he think you're going to cheat on him when you talk to a man or dance with an old friend? 29. Does he think that men should earn more than women? 30. Does he especially want boy babies and associate fathering boys with masculinity? 31. Does he think that you have enough education, even though you want to go to school? 32. Does he get angry if meals are late, or the food isn't just right? 33. Does he have the traits that often "hook" you into involvements with abusive men? 34. Does he take over when you are having trouble doing something, whether you want him to or not? 35. When he's hurt, does he act angry instead? 36. Does he silently sulk when angry? 37. Does he drink or take drugs almost every day or go on periodic binges? 38. Does he ridicule you for being stupid or for characteristics that are "typical of women"? 39. Do you like yourself less than usual when you've been with him? 40. Has he spent time in jail? 41. Was he abused as a child? 42. Does he sometimes put you on a pedestal, saying he doesn't deserve you? 43. Are there some qualities you especially like about yourself that he disapproves of or ridicules? 44. When you've acted independently, has he sometimes called you a "women's libber" or "dyke"? 45. Has he been in fist fights or hit other women he's been involved with? Betsy Ramsey "How to Avoid Wrong Turns When Looking for Mr. Right"
More things I learned from Betsy and so many others who have helped me: Some additional questions:
- Does he have large tattoos anywhere on his body? Is he under age 50? Many older men and war veterans have tattoos, but this is a danger sign for a younger man.
- Get a copy of his court records from EVERY country he has lived. Most batterers do NOT have a police record because we don't call hte police and prosecute. Still, any type of record is bad-including tons of parking tickets. What about DUI's? It shows how irresponsible and disrespectful he is. While you are at it get a copy of his credit report. Make sure you know what you are getting into. Once you marry you may be responsible for his debts as well!
- Has he been married more than once? Be very suspicious if any of his ex-wives died.
- Does he have full custody of the kids? BEWARE if this is the case. I have found that many abusers will discredit, defame, beat, threaten their wives into giving them full custody.
- Do you know how many girlfriends he has had? Are any of them in prison? Do you know any of them? Does anyone say "Gee, I just don't know HOW you can put up with him???"
- If accused of battering his ex-girlfriends/wives, does he say, "She made me mad"? "She's a lying slut etc..." and blame HER for him hitting her?
- Does he have many children and believe a woman should be barefoot and pregnant? Does he have a problem with women in authority?
- Was he abused as a child? Chances are that if a man is abused, OR SEES HIS MOTHER BEING ABUSED, he will grow up disrespecting and abusing women in his life. Sometimes he will abuse his children, especially the girls. Were you abused in any way?
- Do you try hard to avoid making him mad? Is it like you are walking on eggshells and trying not to upset him?
- Does he fly off the handle easily? Does he blame you when he does?
- Does he own any weapons? Does he like his camoflage clothing and is into paramilitary activity?
- Does he drink or do other drugs?
Please learn from me and the thousand women I have met at shelters and groups: YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. YOU CAN NOT SAVE HIM. Continuing to try will only hurt you and your children more. MAKE A PLAN and a BACKUP PLAN. Don't tell yourself that you need him, or that you are too weak to leave. If you are strong enough to stay in the relationship under these brutal and war-like conditions, then you are also strong enough to leave. I did, and I thought I would NEVER be able to get the courage. I had it all along.
I only wish to help others see that they don't have to live with the violence. Please be warned that many abusers will do ANYTHING to keep you from leaving. Why are you a slave to his wishes? Be very careful when you call for information and when you leave. I don't want to scare you or discourage you but I, and many women I have met, encountered the most severe brutality when our abusers thought we were leaving them. Don't let them know they are losing control of you. You have to make your own decisions, but advice from experts is more helpful than anything I can say here. The people at the hotlines have all the information you need and will be able to advise you further. You don't have to go through this alone.
When it is safe please call and maybe visit your local battered woman's group and hear their stories of trying to change their partner. You'll meet doctors, lawyers, welfare moms, meteorologists, factory workers, computer programmers, even psychiatrists! Women from all walks of life! Maybe their experiences will help show you that it is not your fault, and by LEAVING HIM you are not only helping yourself but the kids (and your pets). Call your local battered women's shelter or 1-800-799-SAFE. (TDD for the Hearing Impaired is 1-800-787-3224) My story: I grew up in poverty and abuse but overcame those things and eventually worked my way through college. I was on my way to being a success, but then I met my ex-husband. Please see "The List". Maybe you will recognize both the obvious, and the more subtle abuse in my former relationship. Having left him after 8 years, I am finally, by all counts, a success. More of my story.
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Last updated:
04 October 1998