First of all, I am safe and happy now. Looking back I can say that all the pain of leaving was worth it,
I missed my inlaws and friends and job, but I deserved a happy, violence-free life, and did what it took to get it.
Now everyday is a gift. I don't have to worry about him punching me in the middle of the night, that I might be 5 minutes late getting out of work, and he'd interrogate me/beat me up for hours,or that the pizza didn't turn out right, and he would blame me. I am free ladies, and I am so glad. I finally have what I always wanted - a normal life, a good job, true friends, and a thoughtful and respectful relationship. It was so easy to have a good life, but first I had to leave my (now ex-)husband.
There is so much to say and I can't seem to ever finish this site, so I'll ramble on here for now...I am anxious to complete the basics by Oct 15, 1998- exactly 2 years since I left him.
My story, briefly. Here's "The List" of what my life was like for 8+ years.
I left when my husband was out of town. It was the safest way but it was still a harrowing experience.
I made a plan with the help of Helpmate, Inc., in nearby Asheville, NC.
If I had the jerk arrested for just one of the things he did to me, he'd be in jail still.
and I would still have the career and the life I missed dearly.
I can't get into details but I gave up everything and ran away days after the Protective Order
expired. I was really scared for my life, and hadn't taken the advice given to me. I still felt
that I had to protect him and his reputation, and looked like a fool when it was all over. And I
was in more danger than ever, and who would believe me because, from what everyone else knew, Doug never
broke the restraining order during the whole year separation. I got out alive but I wish I made
some different choices - the most notable being, getting out of the relationship at the FIRST SIGN of abuse!
The second thing I'd have done differently would be to have fought for what I deserved, and not let him keep the
house and the car and his job and the John Deere tractor and the camcorder and
the large screen tv, and the CD's and tools and everything else I let him keep because I FELT GUILTY THAT
I WAS LEAVING HIM BECAUSE HE BEAT ME!
Please learn from my mistakes and ask yourself this.
What if a stranger walked up to you on the street and threatened you?
Wouldn't you call the police? Wouldn't you tell someone? YES! So what makes what happens in your house different? Don't let him hurt you anymore.
You don't HAVE to stay, but you do have to be careful when you leave. Would you give that stranger your kids and
your house and your job and your car and just run away? No, of course not.
Make a plan and get some help from your local Battered Woman's Shelter!
You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE
TDD for the Hearing Impaired: 1-800-787-3224.
You can call from a pay phone. You can call from work. YOU CAN CALL WHEN HE IS IN THE SHOWER! (this is what I did!) I was careful to always re-dial my own phone # after I called the help line. That way, if he picked up the phone and happened to hit "redial" it would not connect him to the shelter, but to our own "busy" phone line. You have to remember that your life depends on fooling him, until you are safe. You can call from a friend's, or when he is at work but have a good excuse why you were on the phone if he calls you and the line is busy, and he wants to know why! Try not to let your abuser have ANY idea that you are trying to get help. Try to be objective and realize you have a "concentration camp" mentality when it comes to him. Let these support systems help you! I could not have done it without my local shelter. But all the hotlines are very understanding. They do not judge you or tell you what to do but they are trained professionals and do this for a living. It is free, confidential, and they will help with EVERYTHING!!!!!!
I know it is hard. I have been there. You feel like it is your fault. You still may love him but you realize that he will kill/seriously injure/emotionally scar you and your kids, but you don't know what
to do. You don't trust anyone. He has beat you down so much that you don't trust yourself. It would be good if you just called your local domestic violence shelter for information.
You will learn that you are not alone.
You deserve a life free from violence.
I swear that I thought there was no one else in the world who was in more danger, or more trapped
in it than me. But I have met over 1000 women in all the meetings I have attended and each one has
a similar story as me. And they all got out alive, their children are safe, and they are happy now.
Most of them are happy for the first time in their lives, and their kids know that their mom loves them
and wants to keep them safe from physical and emotional harm.
It was difficult but I had a plan, and a BACKUP plan. If worse came to worse my backup plan was the shelter,
and an alternate was going straight home to XXXXX. That meant I would lose my job, a job I fought so hard to get.
I had so many questions, and the obstacles were seemingly insurmountable.
How could I be sure he wouldn't kill my parents after all the times he threatened to?
How can I find an apartment and NOT use my husband as a referral ? (I didn't make much money)
And then I had to make sure they would allow cats?
How could I get a new bank account without him finding me? I couldn't let my direct deposit check get into his hands.
How could I live on my own with no one to help me? I had never even pumped my own gas, nor driven a car more than 10 times in my life.
How could I work with him and be safe?
How could I work with him and not let people know he abused me?
How could I be sure the court wouldn't put him in jail and then we'd go bankrupt with the house payments and bills? I could lose the ONLY thing I
had left - my good credit rating.
Where could I find a parking space where he couldn't slash my tires or put a pipe bomb under my car?
How could I be sure his friends didn't follow me?
How could I give up the only financial security I ever had?
How could I leave his parents? God, it would crush them, I thought.
But how could I stay when I knew damn well he was going to kick my ass the second he came back from his trip, accusing
me of having affairs with every man, woman, child, dog and extraterrestrial in the universe?
How can I get a PO BOX or a phone or cable? I couldn't tell anyone my real name because he'd try to hunt me down any way possible?
How could I stay, when I knew he really didn't ever love me?
In the end, he had driven me to the point where I didn't care. I was going to let him kill me,
kill myself and get it over with, or escape. I halfheartedly chose to escape.
I didn't want to go. I still loved him, but I realized that he abused me, even though I didn't believe it.
I learned too much from the talks with the Helpmate counselors. I had to try, for Bailey (our cat) and for them. (I wasn't quite strong enough to do it for me) I didn't want their efforts to be for nothing. They told me how smart I was, and that I was strong enough to do it. They had told me how many women go to them for help but never follow through.
I had the perfect opportunity. The only one I ever had. In one month he was going out of town on business. He HAD to
go, and he had just broken my arm. It had been so long since he punched me in the face where people could tell I was abused.
I knew society takes physical abuse more seriously than emotional abuse. This was my chance to "show" the world and justify my
decision. If I had to I would tell the world, but I wanted to protect our reputations. I had to try soon. It would
be another year before his next trip to WI-if I was even alive for it. Every other time before I tried to get out the front door he would beat the shit
out of me so bad. I couldn't leave, and during my recuperation I got honeymooned back into staying with him. I had one
month before he trip, if he didn't lose his temper again and kill me before then. I couldn't let him know I was really thinking it. It was the longest month
of my life. He didn't hit me but everyday I heard the threats and the RELENTLESS HOUNDING. I thought I was going insane. He knew I had had just about enough of his abuse.
When he backed me into corners demanding and threatening "When are ya gonna leave?" I half lied, and said, "New Year's Eve IF YOU DON'T CHANGE" - That was a full 3 months away.
I had to get him off course. Sometimes I would say "on our anniversary, if you don't change" I kept putting it off, but deep inside I was getting
stronger, and I so wanted to tell him that this was the one time I would outfox him! He taught me to lie, and I was going to use that skill to free myself from
him.
I crossed my fingers when I lied. I prayed for God's forgiveness, as I felt so guilty. I told myself "Maybe I will leave during his trip, and if he changes I'll come back, but for now I am protecting myself and Bailey."
I slowly and deliberately ran for my life.
See the very end of "The List" to see how I finally decided to leave. I overcame every obstacle, but they weren't all easy. Still, with each hurdle I became a little stronger, and more resolved that I would not let that man kill me. Some of the things I thought would stand in my way were illogical - like, finding a parking spot that was secure. There were hundreds, and it took me all of 10 minutes to arrange for one, but it was one of those things I was sure I couldn't do. Some things didn't turn out the way I planned but I was able to compensate for them. Being with an abuser teaches you how to be tough, and to think fast on your feet, and sadly, how to lie.
The best advice I can give is DON'T LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU ARE PLANNING TO DO!
The second best advise is DON'T BE FOOLED AGAIN BY HIS "TRYING TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU". HE WILL
YELL/THREATEN/HIT/RAPE/TORTURE... AGAIN!!!! I know. He did it over and over and over again. "The List"
Every time I thought that he had changed and I thought about going back to him, I looked at my list, and remembered all
the other times I thought he changed. It kept me from going back.
And don't let him give you the "We can go to counseling routine." I don't know of ONE man who was helped
by counseling. The abuser (1) said they would and never did, (they decide they don't need it after you come back) (2) went for a year and
it didn't do any good or (3) the abuser yells at and hit the victim for something she said/didn't say to the counselor. It doesn't
matter what you say or do, he will hit or yell at you anyway. He may also try to religious ("saved") route,
or say that he'll stop drinking/drugs. They never do stop for any length of time.
The third best advice is to at least TRY to get a restraining order, and if he breaks it tell the judge and they will put the creep in jail. You HAVE to follow through. Even if there is NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE to get a restraining order, the fact that you tried is on record, and just MAYBE your abuser will know you mean business and not try to injure/kill you after the separation. You WIN, if you only try. If you get strong maybe he won't want you anymore. He wants someone to pick on, but you'll be too big for him. You deserve to be safe, and so do your kids and your pets. Restraining orders work for women and judges who enforce them.
Leaving an abusive relationship is the time that the victim is most likely to be killed! Be careful - he'll kill you if he thinks he can. I'm not kidding. He might try. He doesn't love you. LOVE DOESN'T HURT. Take precautions. Get advice from the experts, and if you have to, call 9-1-1 and PROSECUTE!
Please be sure that you are in a safe place after you leave. If you are staying in the house and have a Protective Order, change all your locks
and have someone watch out around the clock at your house to make sure he doesn't break in and harm you (he will say he was trying to talk some sense into you).
Make sure your neighbors, friends, and coworkers know you are in danger. How many women have been killed by their estranged husbands? You hear about it in the news
all the time. Is your abuser so different? Visit the "Safety Strategies" page.
If you and the kids(DON'T LEAVE THE KIDS WITH HIM unless you are running for your life!!!!) leave, be sure that you are safe and that he
does not know where you are - a shelter, for instance. Don't think you know "he would never hurt my parents/friend/co-workers". He will if he is mad enough.
Remember that he NEEDS to control you. When he loses that he does not know what to do with himself. He will find someone else quickly, or he will plan and plot and
have his psychotic thoughts and God know what. If there is one thing he WON'T DO, it is, realize HE IS THE PROBLEM! He will say that it is YOUR fault for not giving him
a second chance, now that he knows how serious you are (by your leaving). Is that forgivable? It is ok to hit you and yell at you but your tears aren't enough to make him realize. He's a SELFISH creep.
If you do get talked into going back, remember that he average abuse victim leaves her abuser 9 times before she
she leaves him for good. Why 9 times? Because everytime he talks her into coming back, or she can't deal with having to mow the lawn and work and cook the kids dinner and get them
to school/daycare and needs someone to help, or because she misses him (Did you miss getting yelled at and/or hit?)or the kids miss their dad, you are lonely, you only remember the good times...
Think about those good times. It was probably because HE was happy, not you. You were just relieved that he was in a good mood. If it were 100% bad all the time you never would have stayed this long.
He didn't yell at you on your first date! He waited and gradually got you under his control. Now that you are cognizant of this, you will forever be more objective in your dealings and thoughts about him.
It will be more difficult to romanticize the relationship and you can start to see how, step by step, he took over.
If you go to your parents or a friends and he knows you are there be sure that the people you are staying with know it is crucial that you do not have any contact with him. It is so easy to talk you back into the relationship, and he will hound your friends/parents/employer etc., crying that he "just slipped and accidentally hit you" or something stupid like that. You need a support system now. You can always call your local shelter, 1-800-799-SAFE, or even e-mail me! Many women have written to me, and I try to respond ASAP! :) There are lots of other women with web pages like mine. We are all here to support you!
PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. You are a victim, but if you are reading
this you are on your way to getting out of the hold he has got on you.
I KNOW IT IS FRUSTRATING BUT HE WON'T CHANGE. He may pretend to for a
while but look at the "phases of abuse" on my WARNING SIGNS page. It is
just going to happen again and again. YOUR ABUSER IS REPONSIBLE FOR HIS
VIOLENT BEHAVIOR AND HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. He just doesn't want to.
If you don't believe me, go to a group meeting of domestic violence survivors and meet all
the women who thought "If only I did this, or that..."
He really won't change. I said it over and over again, but I prayed Doug was
different.
After my last day of work, Nov 25, 1996, I called him. It was one year, one month
and 11 days since I left him. I told him not to be shocked, but I was leaving town that day. (this was a lie I made up to
protect myself-then he wouldn't call all the moving companies and maybe find
out when really was moving. I used a fake name but xxxxxx is a small town) I told him that I left my
job and how terrible it all was... He was so sad that I had already resigned...
"Kar, you can't leave, this was our dream"...and so forth. I was crying
my eyes out. He was crying too (or pretending to be). It was true. It was our dream. Here I was crying to the man who
destroyed me almost completely. He was so sympathic and sweet.
He begged me to come back to him. He said I could live in the basement and have my
own little apartment! We would live in the same house again and just "date"
each other, and, more importantly, he said, "We can get to know each other
again. We aren't the same people anymore. I have changed, and so have you!"
I was dying inside. It had been over a year since I left him and got my own
place. It's true, he never hunted me down, but he didn't have to. He saw me
every day at work and could intimidate me there. And he rather enjoyed his "most eligible"
status at work, anyway. But logic flew out the window, as I seriously considered his offer. I forgot about my "list", all the threats he
made to me at work, how he screwed me over on the house and our posessions, how his parents and
our friends took "his" side, how many times he broke the restraining order, and how many times I didn't
tell the judge he was still harrassing me. I let him go on and on about how
I could live with him, but I was leaving for NYC in a week. After a few minutes
I realized that my plans were set. The movers were paid for, my job and my career,
(thanks not only to Doug but also one of his pathetic scumbucket lying friends, let's
call him...Chug...)were over. I might as well give NY a try... All this as
Doug's sympathy turned mean. He went on and on about how my career was ruined and I had no future without him and he could help me get
back into Meteorology...He would not let me get a word in (as always). I
started to get irritated that he would not let me say anything. He kept
going on and on...
Still crying, I interjected, "Doug I appreciate your offer
but I have to leave now. My movers are waiting to pack my stuff up. I hope
that if we can keep talking friendly like this that maybe I can come back in
a few weeks and visit and stay with you and we can get to know each other..."
I really believed I might give it a try, but he wouldn't let me finish my
sentence.
He cried, "YOU'RE LEAVING? YOU ARE LEAVING NOW?" I said
"yes, right now, but maybe..." Again, he interrupted, and with that sinister
tone I hadn't heard in some time he growled, "Then I want you to know that
from now on this is ALL YOUR FAULT AND AS LONG AS I LIVE I WILL ALWAYS CONSIDER THIS WHOLE
THING TO BE ALL YOUR FAULT!" and then he hung up on me.
And those were the last words that piece of shit ever spoke to me. I cried for 2 days
straight. I was devastated. I had almost went back to him again. But it only took a few seconds
to see his true colors. Thank God he did show them.
I realized that it is true; they NEVER do change. They lie and spin
their webs and wait to trap you. But I thought maybe he was special. He's just another abuser. I am SO glad I left and I am SO glad I didn't kill myself over that creep.
It is a cycle of abuse:
I wish I could save you all the pain but I can't. If you are strong enough to stay in the relationship you are strong enough to leave. Don't forget how brave you are. You did your best with him. Now, make a plan and get him out of your life. You deserve better.
So, surprise, surprise. I have a life after him. Oh, and I could NEVER make it on my own,
and NEVER EVER would I make it in the big city. I always told him I wanted to live in NYC,
and now I do. He always said my wanting to try big city life was "the stupidiest thing ( I ) ever said", but then again,
EVERYTHING I said was stupid.
I'm not "living in the past" by starting up this web site, but I feel a sense of responsibility to help others now.
He demolished me when I was with him but THE BEST REVENGE IS A LIFE WELL-LIVED. Now, months after leaving for good,
and after all my covering up for him to protect his reputation, I don't care if he rots in Hell. After all the threats he made I
am finally sticking up for myself, in the safest way possible. He might have the house and the friends and the camcorder and the
computer and VCR and stereo and living room and weather station and career and spotless reputation, but I have my dignity, and I have my life to do with it
as I see fit, without living in constant fear.
He should be in prison. He is lucky and should thank God
everyday that I did not have the strength to put him there.
Unfortunately, my failure to do so has left him free to hurt others.
There is not enough money in the world for him to renumerate ME for
everything HE DID TO ME. I could have sued his sorry ass in civil court for all the equity in the house and could have taken everything,
including his freedom. AND I DESERVE EVERYTHING WE HAD until the day
the divorce was finaled. Why did I have to struggle for so long
when he was the reason for my suffering? I am on firm legal ground with this website. I don't hold myself responsible for him anymore.
Welcome to my website and HIS dirty secrets.
Go back to the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE page.
Want to talk to someone now? Call 1-800-799-SAFE, or visit http://www.getaforum.com/phpbb2/?mforum=domesticviolenc .
Last Update:
09 October 1998