Hi, my nickname is "PandaBear". My real name is Jackie. I am a 31 year old survivor. I am doing this page to help others that have been abused or are going through it. You are not alone and there is help out there.
My abuse started when I was five years old. At first it was just fondling then as time went on things progressed into him having sex with me and forcing me to do things to him.
I honestly don't think he left anything out. Most of the time he was rough and uncaring, he didn't care if he hurt me, he only wanted to feel good.
I was so scared, I wanted him to stop but he never did. I wanted someone to help me but how could they help.... no one knew what was going on.... I never told, I couldn't or he would kill my mom. That is what he held over my head for my silence.
This went on for 25 years. I just could not tell anyone I didn't want to lose my mom I had to protect her. For 25 years I kept that secret and protected my mom. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it was the wrong thing to do.... I should have told that was the only way the abuse was going to stop. I was a little girl forced to do things as a woman. Now I am a woman and feel like a scared little girl.
I have been a very lonely person all my life, I have never dated. When I was 20 I met this young man through our parents. We talked and got to know each other. He was so nice, and I started to have feelings and he said that he loved me. As time went on we because best friends and I started to feel ok with his company and we got close but still I never told him about my secret. Well when I was 22 and he was 25 he asked me to marry him.... think YES!!!! this is my way out, and I agreed to marry him.
We got married and had a beautiful wedding and I moved out. We lived a few minutes from mom and my stepdad. At first it all seem to be working being abuse free, but, then he was at work one day and I was asleep. The next thing I knew someone was touching me and on top of me. I thought it was my husband then I realized it was my stepdad.
I begged him to quit. He told he had to punish me for leaving him.... he raped me and beat me up. He said I was his and I would be sorry that I let my husband touch me.... I told him he hadn't and he didn't believe me. That afternoon he made me write a letter to my mom and my husband, a letter stating I had to go away. He took me to a cabin and tied me up and raped me everyday.
But.... it was true.... I wasn't able to let my husband touch me. After he brought me back home my husband told me that he needed and wanted to make love to his wife. I couldn't. After a month he moved out and we got divorced. I have never been with a man besides my stepdad.
Anyway, I never moved back home but the abuse and rapes continued. He would take the apartment key my mom had and come over as he pleased and take me. I lived in fear all my life never telling a soul but my husband. I don't blame him because he tried to be loving and understanding and part of me will always love him. But "I can't" be with anyone.
Well this brings me to getting my computer and discovering the internet and some great people.... people that I felt safe to tell what I have been hiding all these years. I really talked my head off (their heads). As time went on I learned about some channels for survivors and abuse issues.
My favorite is called healing-Pyramid.... I met one woman there and was talking to her regularly (BunnyLee), and I met another one (JavyB) they were great! Then I met the founder of the channel (Will) and he has too many nicknames to name but they all talked to me for many hours and finally convinced me I had to tell my secret to stop the abuse. So on June 8th 1998, I told my mom about everything. She hung up on me.... I never talked to her again.... I thought she hated me.... on July 25th 1998, in the middle of the night I got a rude awakening.... my stepdad killed my mom.... I hate it and 6 months later my stepdad is in prison and he is still controlling me....
So see you have to tell now don't hide it!!! I honestly think I will always be alone. I regret my mom is gone but I don't regret telling.... Please get help.
By the way, my mom didn't die hating me like I thought. He was telling her if she had anything to do with me he would kill me.
So, she was protecting me.
If you would like to talk to me or have any questions. Please feel free to email me Or ICQ me below
All ages are current at time of writing.
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