Wings on the Mend:
More About My Own Journey of Healing
WARNING: Some of the content on this page may be triggering or very upsetting. For this reason, I have placed the SAFE HAVEN! link right at the top of this page for easy access, in case you need to step out for a while and distract yourself. I want you to feel safe!
On this page, you will be reading more about my own personal struggles with depression and PTSD. I want to share some of my experiences during my ongoing journey of healing, in hopes that it will help people to realize they are not alone in their pain and struggles. This is not easy for me to do, but I feel that my sharing is helping me, knowing that it may make at least some kind of difference in the lives of others.
I have been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. I do not know what life is like living without depression being a part of it. For quite a long time, I was oblivious to the fact that I have been depressed. It is only just in the past recent months during therapy, that I have come to realize this. All my life - disappointment after disappointment, "failure" after "failure" -I wondered if I would ever amount to anything. I could see my friends going to college, graduating and getting great jobs while, here I am going in and out of the psychiatric hospital, moving from place to place, job to job, and being placed in on-again, off-again therapy. When I look back at my life during my late teens/early twenties, I realize I did alot of running away - from what, I still am not sure. I have moved many times geographically, and I doubt it was because I didn't like the location I was in; rather, I suspect that at the time, there were circumstances occurring that I could not deal with emotionally, so, in my mind, moving would temporarily take me away from the pain. I am just recently beginning to realize and believe that it has been this disease called Depression that has had an influence on most of the things that were occurring/are occurring in my life. Today, although still hard for me to do, I am learning that I am not lazy, worthless, or useless. I am a person suffering from a very disabling illness. I no longer lash out at people who do not understand; rather, I simply do what I can to educate them about what it is like living with Depression and what they can do to help me and many others who are also struggling.
I have had the diagnosis of Depression for years, but I have had feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, emptiness (and many others associated with this illness) for as long as I can remember. Within the recent 4 years, another illness called PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) has taken up residence in my life along with Depression. My therapist tells me that it's not much wonder why I have such a terrible time functioning in everyday life. So, I often ask myself: Is this why I can't keep steady work, or maintain my motivation to do anything? Is this why I have so much trouble trusting people and reaching out for help when I need it? Is this why I curl up in my bed at night, rocking and crying, wanting to vanish forever? Is this why I often stay up at night, waiting for sunrise so that I can go to sleep without fear of the dark and nightmares? As I write this right now, those feelings called fear and emptiness surface again. I am still a child, longing to be held and sung to, and reassured that she is safe. I am just now beginning to learn how I can embrace this child in me whose wings have been broken and lost. I am learning that these wings can be repaired and found with time and love.
I have found that journaling and writing poetry is a positive outlet for me to express my feelings when I otherwise can't. If you have stumbled upon this page and would like to see some of my poetry, you can find it here: My Poetry. However, I have included on this particular page the poem found below this paragraph, because it involves more intense feelings and experiences, and correlates with my PTSD. Before you read this poem, please be warned that it describes a very traumatic, upsetting experience, and that it may be triggering. It is very difficult for me to share this, but I feel that speaking out about experiences like this (only if and when one is able and ready to, of course), is a positive and often therapeutic way of expressing feelings that may otherwise be kept locked deep inside. If you feel that you cannot read the poem at this time, please go to one of my other pages (Home Page, My Poetry, PTSD Support, Depression Support, SAFE HAVEN, God's Creations, or Tribute to My Friends), or scroll down to another section of this page. Your feelings of safety are very important!
Wounded Soul Mending
She watches and bears her terror and pain
as evil invades her body and her mind.
Four men take her with them to hell;
but it is they who deserve to remain in the morbid darkness
so they may never again cast their spell of inhumanity
onto another innocent being.
She takes her helplessness and terror,
and carries it for her;
she whispers, "Drift away in your mind, precious one,
for I will protect your body from shock, your mind from insanity."
She silences her cries for help, embracing her,
as she tries to keep malevolence
from overtaking her life.
She carries her terror, her pain,
and shares her helplessness,
knowing she can only remain with her
as she helps her endure two nights in hell;
pitch darkness, a gun, ripping searing pain,
tearing from inside out;
four mens' burning hell deep inside her,
repeatedly stripping away her tenderness.
She can only wish for death
as the force of hard steel rips inside her;
trigger squeezed by evil;
the thundering roar of laughter
as the fire she feels is the empty barrel;
Her wish for it to end not granted -
they feed their hunger for one more night of vile torture;
ropes, screams, invented twisted schemes;
today they invade her nights and her dreams.
She fades away again in darkness;
the fragility of her mind protected from more horrific things.
She wakes up and evil is gone........or is it?
She feels the coldness of the last night underneath her;
her wounded and bleeding innocence.
Her body injured, never completely healed;
she must now overcome agonizing pain of emotional recovery,
and survive the darkness through every night
to allow her mind to mend in her own time;
Her soul and her spirit also wounded, but slowly mending,
will sustain the strength
to embrace her lovingly as a survivor
during her journey of healing.
By Wings4Soul@aol.com
"He will cover you with his feathers,
and under His wings you will find refuge;...." ---Psalms 91:4
There are many other wings out there that are in need of mending. Perhaps, among them, are yours. I am saddened to think about the thousands of others like you and me who are enduring similar adversities and living endeavors. But as I have realized, and try to keep believing, there is hope for survival, happiness and peace. I want you to also know this hope, embrace it, and keep it stored in an easily accessed place in your heart for the days when you need it the most. You are a survivor and I am a survivor. Let's remind ourselves that every new day is a celebration that we are still alive, despite all we've been through!
My journey of healing so far has been excruciating, tiring and lengthy - and I know that I have yet a long way to go. But now I do anything and everything I can to get though each day. Lately, it has been going to my therapist (who is great), spending time with those who understand me and support me, trying to remind myself that I am worthwhile, and doing what I can to help others. Creating this site has been very therapeutic for me. Its main target is to help others find hope in their own healing, but it is a great advantage to me, too. I thank the Lord for giving me the strength and courage to speak out so that I can reach out and help myself and others continue to survive. Thank you for coming to my pages, and may God's angels watch over you and protect you always.
I am honored to receive this award. Thank you so much, Bruce!
Click the link below to visit his wonderful site.