Catchy title, huh? I guess a lot of people would say they have struggled all their lives just like me. And that probably is true. But for me, it has really been a life long struggle. One that I didn't ask for, but one that I wouldn't change even if I could. I take that back. One thing I would change and that would have been to start living my life as a female much sooner then I did. Hence, a life long struggle which even continues to this day.
My story starts out much like many of the poeple who are like me. For me it started when I was 10 years old. That was the first time I tried on some of my sister's clothes. Why? I can't really say. I knew some 'thing' was different about me. I really couldn't understand how I felt, I just knew that I was different.
My desire to dress and be a female only got worse and worse as the years went by. I had your typical male up bringing. Boy scouts, paper routes, little league baseball, junior high track, church league basketball, high school football and baseball. Throw in water skiing, snow skiing, surfing and pretty girls and that really summed up my life until I was 18. We were raised to fit into the crowd. Be like everybody else. No abnormal kind of stuff. Telling my parents how I felt would have been disastrous for me. So all I could do was to hide it deep down and hope it would go away. It didn't work out like that.
As I said earlier, I dressed up whenever I could. Which wasn't very often. With my parents, two sisters and a brother, it was hard to find the chance to wear anything. Around this time I had this girl friend and we thought it would be neat if we could wear each other's clothes to show how much we loved each other. We even had those stupid t-shirts that said I'm his and I'm hers. One time she dared me to wear her nylons underneath my pants and little did she know that I loved it. But it was fun and I enjoyed the little game we we're playing. But as with all things, it soon came to an end.
After leaving home at 18, (actually I was thrown out on my 18th birthday) I was staying at my parents cabin up in the mountains. My parents and some friends went in together to buy the cabin and shared it every other weekend or so. Well, I found some of my mom's clothes and naturally I was wearing them since I was alone. I had no idea our friends would be coming up there for the weekend. I almost got caught sitting there in my mom's clothes. I quickly took everything off, shoved it under the couch and I left. My heart racing like crazy....
After that close call, it was off to college. By then I was a total wreck. Trying to hide my feelings had just become almost overwhelming. I did the drinking bit, along with some other stuff to help cope with the stress I had. I still had never, ever mentioned wanting to be a female to anyone. During this period in my life, I was unable to wear anything. Living in a dorm just doesn't give you much of a chance to do that kind of thing. But on one Halloween I was determined to go out as a girl. A friend and I decided on Halloween that we would go as girls. I kind of pushed him into it. I was scared to death to suggest such a thing but I just couldn't hold it back. So, we did. We were thinking about joining this frat house and they had a costume contest going on. When we got there I felt like everybody knew I loved to dress like that. Actually nobody knew, but in my mind they all knew and I would be caught. I was so nervous it wasn't funny. I lasted about an hour or so and rushed back to my dorm room to change my clothes. When got back my friend told me I had won the contest but since I wasn't there he took the honors. I kicked myself in the butt for weeks after that. But it was nice to know that my legs were the reason I won the contest. I wore a very short skirt that night.
Well, after that it would be a long time before I could wear anything again. I decided to get married a few years later. I didn't say anything about my desire to be a female to my new wife.
To be continued........