However, parents should be aware that no person knows what causes a persons sexual orientation.  There are many theories, but regardless of which if any are true, it doesnt alter the fact that a person maybe either homosexual or heterosexual.  

Ill-informed people argue that a gay person could change if they tried or wanted.  Research has shown that a persons sexual orientation is something that cannot voluntarily be changed or chosen.  Furthermore, a homosexual orientation is not a mental illness, emotional or social problem, as some people mistakenly believe.  

 Coming Out can be a very lonely, brave and painful experience for the gay youth.  Yes, it is also very traumatic for us as parents.  This is a time when many parents have unanswered questions and fears, about a sexual orientation they know very little.  This is also a time when beliefs and values are challenged. Understandibly, many parents will need time to process the coming out of their son/daughter.  

The most common questions asked by parents are:   

What did we do wrong?  

Do you think it is a phase?  

Have you tried it with the opposite sex?  

Homosexuality is something most parents never think about as a possibility for their child/children.  When babies are first born, most parents look in wonder at this new little person, who is just hours old and wonder if when they become adult will they become prime minister, a lawyer, handsome/pretty, will they be successful, very rarely do they wonder if they will be gay/lesbian. So it should not be surprising to the son/daughter that Mum and Dad are totally shocked when they come out to them.  

The biggest problem in society, is misinformation and ignorance, which has many parents believing doom and gloom, will rain down on their child and the family.  Often times, parents are in fear of what will happen to their child in society.   Many fear he/she may be ostracised, bashed, discriminated against, get HIV the list goes on.  Fortunately, for parents and the young ones, parents fears are usually worse than reality.  

Others are concerned about how they will be able to tell friends and family.  Many feel they also will be shunned by society, especially if they live in a small community, or possibly be judged as bad parents for not stopping this, or for not seeing it coming.  

Some parents feel disappointed about not having the expected wedding, grandchildren, or there wont be the traditional lifestyle for their child, which most parents see as a natural progression in society.  All they see is possible hardship for the child, they got through the mumps and measles, pimples and puberty and who somehow believe that their childs life has now taken a wrong turn.  

To many parents, this is a time, which is like a grieving period.  Often times they are grieving the loss of their dreams and their expectations for their child.  However, given time parents will come through the process.  By the time a young person Comes Out he/she has usually worked through most of the issues of their sexuality, some in an easier manner than others.  This is the same for parents. Some work parents also work through the issues easier than other parents. Interestingly, some grieve because they werent able to help their child through this difficult time in their life.  

Another issue is by the time the young person is ready to come out to the parents they have generally have worked through most of the issues. Many have come to terms with their sexuality and have possibly been on the gay scene for a while.  Then, when Mum and Dad are informed, the young person doesnt understand why his/her parents arent taking the news calmly.  Usually the young person isnt seeing things from their parents perspective, who now have to begin to try and understand a sexual orientation they know very little about.  

For many parents there is the concern about religion.  Some believe their child will never make it to heaven. Others believe they may be damned. The interpretation of the bible is all important with the issue of religion and beliefs.  

Sadly many see the gay lifestyle as a strange and mysterious world that they dont understand, which they believe may eventually swallow up their child and will eventually become lost to them.  Many parents dont understand it is sometimes ignorance and an unwillingness to try and understand the issues that may make them eventually lose their child.  

As parents we need to be aware that to feel shock is o.k. when the son/daughter breaks the news.  

As a parent we need to be aware that it is o.k. to cry, some parents cry frequently. Just dont do it too often in front of the child, as it may cause him/her to feel guilt. This doesnt help anybody.  

As a parent it is o.k. to feel homosexuality is not the norm for us. But we must be aware it is the norm for our son/daughter.  

As a parent it is not unreasonable to have fears about HIV/AIDS, discrimination and ostracism etc.  

Not surprisingly, most parents find this a stressful, painful, confusing time, full of unanswered questions and fears. Many dont know where to turn for help. This is a time when most parents have their beliefs and values challenged and understandibly many will need time to process the coming out of their gay son/daughter.  

A concern is if we reject our son/daughter during this time, we are leaving them alone at a very difficult and stressful time in their life without support.  It could be argued, if we do this, we are saying it is o.k. for  society to reject and ridicule our child. Can we allow this to happen?  

This can be a time when suicide is seriously contemplated some run away and often move into a very hazardous lifestyle, if not supported.  Our sons and daughters should not be forced to hide their sexual orientation. Gay youth should not be in fear of rejection and ridicule by friends and family.  

I believe homosexuality is the only culture that parents and children are not similar. With race, religion, language and colour, families are the same and so everyone understands the issues, whether they are positive or negative. Here is the culture of sexuality, and most heterosexuals are ignorant of homosexuality.  

One of the most asked questions is why do you think they are gay? my answer is, it doesnt matter what the theory is, whether it be dominant mother, absent father, genetics etc., the point is they are. So whatever theory a parent chooses to believe, it is irrelevant now, we cant change anything and as parents we need to accept and openly support our children. Parental love should not be conditional.  

The good thing is that generally when parents are given time to adjust to the reality of their childs sexual orientation they can become acquainted with a side of their child they never knew and in some cases they may become a closer family unit, because of the honesty.  As parents, we also need to recognise that this is still the same child that was loved, before we were made aware of their sexual orientation.  

Realistically, a persons sexuality is only one small part of the jigsaw that makes the total person. We are all many different things to many different people. But for a while, our childs sexual orientation may seem to be all consuming. Fortunately, given time and a willingness to understand, parents will again become realistic and objective towards their gay child.  

 This can be a very traumatic time in any family it doesnt matter how strong the bonds. Both parents and child need to be aware of the stress that each side is under. Time, mutual respect and understanding of feelings from all parties should help to again rebuild and strengthen the family unit.