Diary 1998 (How it came to be)

On the 4^th of July, I met her in my Hostel room. She’s moving in as my roomie. Still remembered her in t-shirt and berms carrying boxes of files and text and clothes into my room. I found her tomboyish and rather cute looking even in her glasses. I was rushing off to my orientation camp for the freshies in the hall. Looking tired and plain in old t-shirt and a pair of secondary school shorts, I left my room to her disposal. She said she’s staying from next Sunday onwards….I thought to myself:" good, I’ll have the room to myself for at least another week."

She looked very young.. an engine student perhaps in her 1^st year?? I wondered aloud as I left the room, walking towards the canteen. Thoughts of her float pass me, after awhile, it didn’t mattered.. I was too engrossed in camp games with my juniors.

That 1^st night with her…….I was dead tired from the camp and she’s fast asleep in my room on my ex-roomie’s bed. Didn’t bother to stir her from her sleep. I slipped into bed ( our bed is joined cos’ my temp. roomie had our beds joined when we stayed together ) never thought that she would feel uncomfortable that night, sleeping with me in a strange room with a stranger. I took my room for granted very much I guess.

It was months later that she confessed in being scared that night. My smell overwhelming in my room. I stayed in the room for a year of course it got my smell! I found out more about her. She’s a 2^nd year student too! In Accounts, as opposed to engine, I was stereotyping her too fast too soon then…… all ready to cast her in an unfeminine "course" just because she’s tomboyish. So short sighted I must say, of my thoughts then.

I liked her guts, her mannerism, so much so that we got on very well, shared mutual friends, went out together.. sms each other so frequently that my then boyfriend got very jealous of her even before meeting her at all!!!! Not to say my 10 year gal pal was unhappy with how close we are too!!! It didn’t dawn on me that she’s bent, never occurred to me that I’m not straight too…

I only know her as my best pal in school. We chat almost every night till the wee hours or what is left of our free time. Both of us are very busy then. She got hockey trainings, I got dance competition coming up and have to step up practise sessions. She buys me dessert from redhill or adams rd after her training.. the 1^st dessert she ot me was BK’s apple pie. They don’t sell that kind of apple pie now.. *sigh*

We shared intimate details of our lifes.. strangely, it never occurred to me that it’s strange how comfortable we feel with each other. Just took it as a normal thingy , even my hall neighbours started asking me about us.. about her.

That fateful day when she came out to me, I didn’t believe her…. she asked me to guess her love interest. I knew it wasn’t me. I was just her good pal who’s attached and unavailable. I guessed correctly, felt funny…. Very weird… happy that she’s in love with someone.. jealous that that someone will be getting special attention from her. I am confused and will be confused for the coming next 3 months to follow. 1998, a turmulous year for me.

I am in a relationship with a guy whose main interest then was to play computer games at his best pal’s house and taking me around as a "hua ping" whenever he goes out with his pals… I came to resent him for being so irrational with me.. condemning me cos’ I am too busy involved in dance and hall life … who didn’t protect me in front of his friends when his love for me was put to a test by one of my ex suitor, in favour of showing his machoism and protecting his ego. Alas!! But we looked like the "perfect couple" in the eyes of our friends, even to Su, we looked lovey dovey.. appearances can fool us all.

I remembered her taking my bolster out of the room for awhile, when I was chatting with him on the phone.. she claimed that we are too mushy.. it’s so embarassing! That 1^st meeting he had with Su was quite weird.. he was on guard against Su when he saw her coming back to our room after her class. I was sick that day and he had time to burn , so he came down to visit me and played scrabble with the both of us. We had dinnerin school too.. it was much later that Su told me she felt his guard on her on that very 1^st meeting. Is that an indication as to what will happen in future?I was trying to hold on to my 3 year relationship with him.. but it came tumbling down very fast over the last 6 months in 1998, coincidently that’s when I got to know Su better.

Strangely, I know what I felt for her is more then just friendship, but I tried to convince myself other wise… I even asked for her opinion of my sexuality after an evening of drinking myself high. A little bolder then usual.. that’s why. She was busy going after another gal then. I felt strange pangs of jealousy when we were at spiritz that night…. She ‘s (XX) there with her ex , I was there with Su. Her ex (XX's ex) was trying to create that opportunity for Su to go after her. I was "helping" her too…. Ended up seeing Su really close to her with honeyed words for XX, face to face and intimate. I felt my heart hurting, but silly me.. brushed it aside and turned to a conversation with XX’s ex as I down my bourbon fast and hard. Come to think of it…. It’s my fault that I didn’t dare to confess.. that I tried to hide my fears, my jealousy and my liking for Su. In the long run, it hurt us both the most. She’s gentle with me, brushing aside my questions about me, my doubts of being a bisexual. I know nothing about terms or labels then. I’m not exposed to the type of feelings I am developing. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with it. Especially when I think that I am straight for the pass 19 years of my life!

We were there for each other I guess when she’s having a hard time going after XX.. failing to impress her and stuff.. she was there for me when I faced problems with my ex, my dance….. Things took a turn when we found oursleves more commited to each other… and a whirlwind of events made her realized that I’m the one she love. I was conditioned accept that she’s in love with XX, and that nothing would change that esp. when I see her fervently after XX. I was shell shocked and couldn’t bring myself to accept her. It hurt her lots.. it affected me very much too.. confused once again when I thought that the strange feelings would just go away. It resurfaced with bigger issues to deal with. The next 2 months was hell to her in my self denial and disillusioned state.. seriously, I was scared… scared of relationships. That dream of finding someone .. your soul mate. My ex’s not the one.. Su dropped XX like hot coals suddenly…. What if it’s like that for me too?? I remembered the song from a movie "This kiss" the beginnings of the song goes like this:

I don’t want another heartbreak

I don’t want a turn to cry.. No!

*****************

This kiss this kiss!!

Incredible

This kiss this kiss!

*********

It felt so close to heart then.. we did get intimate.. that fateful night.. with wild passionate kisses exchanged.. both ending in both of us feeling guilty ( she’s supposed to be in love with XX, I’m attached ) what a mess we got ourselves into ……..

It ended on the 1^st week of feb.. I broke up with my bf. and I was single again.. but not for long….. Su got me a ring (platinum with gold) we engraved in it our love for each other.. I was weary.. but I begin to accept my feelings for her and also her genuinity for me.