Your friends are hurting, hurting more than you can possibly imagine.
We wish
we could give you a couple words that would take their pain away but that
will never happen for they have lost a part of themselves along with their
dreams.
Many of us wish that we had one or two friends and relatives who
had asked
another bereaved parent what to say and what NOT to say. So we have
written
this list. It consists of some of the things our family and friends
did for us that we
found helpful and some of the things that they did we advise you
avoid altogether.
Thank you for being such a good friend and we hope this list helps you
help your
friends.
- Use the baby's name when talkiing about the baby. This shows the
parents that
you acknowledge their baby as a real individual. People most
often don't use
the child's name for fear of upsetting the parents, but the parents are
already
upset, nothing is going to change that. So mentioning the child by
name tells them
that you have enough regard for their child to remember their
child's name and
that you care about them. Say something like " I know you miss
(name), how
are you doing?"
If you don't use the baby's name it really hurts, because our baby is real,
and a
huge part of our lives.
-Go to the funeral or memorial sservice if the parents are having one.
-send flowers and a card, for maany of us the cards and flowers
received
when our baby dies are special. We may put them in our baby
book as a
reminder of how much our friends and family support meant to us through
this
difficult time.
-bring them food for dinners andd lunches is you are able to,
this is so helpful,
it is just too difficult to have to cook especially after just delivering
a baby and
dealing with the aftermath of emotions and feelings you have when your
baby
has died and is not home with you where he/she belongs.
- go over and do some housekeeping if you can, this can be such
a help, your
kindness will always be remembered by doing this for the grieving
parents. No
need to do spring cleaning type housework just the normal chores that are
not
being done now, is immensely helpful!!
-Ask them if there is anything they wouuld like you to do to memorialize
their
baby. This could be a donation to a charitable organization, purchasing
a tree or
flower bush, donating a toy to a christmas appeal etc. etc.
-Be there, offer to help if you can, but don't be offended if the
offer is not
accepted, do offer again later, but don't take over.
-Listen, whenever they want to&nnbsp; talk. It is so important to
the parents to have
someone they can talk to at any time and who knows it doesn't matter
if they say
the same things every time, or if their feelings don't seem logical or
rational to
you, it is still very healthy for them to be able to express them.
Encourage your friend to cry. Let her know that your shoulder is available.
Let
them tell "their story" a hundred times if they need to.
-Talk about their little baby wiith them, if/when they are ready.
Don't take the first no as they may still be in shock, but there
may come a time,
later, when they are ready. So let them know you will be there to
talk about it
with them. Let them know that you realize the pain never goes away.
They will
never forget their baby and neither will you. Understand they will learn
to live
with the heartache.
-Express your own feelings>, something that may upset your
friend or relative,
is that society in general does NOT realize just how much a baby's
death really
hurts. They need to know that their baby's death has affected you
too. "I don't
know what to say, I'm just so sorry" are sometimes all that needs to be
said.
Avoid saying "I know how you feel." You really have no idea how they
feel,
even if you have lost a baby you can't know exactly, as everybody's
grief is so
unique.
- Allow them to express their grief<, they will need to cry and go
over it
many times, this is a very common expression of grief and really
needs to
be done for their sake. Allow and accept expressions of guilt, anger
or blame.
These are all a normal part of grief and are very difficult to work
through if they
are not accepted by others. On that note, this doesn't mean that you should
agree with say a Mother who says "I am to blame for my baby's death, because
I
ate such and such or did such and such". Instead listen to
her feelings and
acknowledge them, and when the time is right let her know that it
isn't her fault
and she didn't cause it, and that there is nothing she could
have done to prevent
it. The main thing is to let her know you hear her feelings and that it
is ok that she
talk to you about them.
-Spend time with their other childreen. The children will be experiencing
a range
of feelings they may have never felt before. They will need much
support also.
Be careful not to take over. Find out what their parents have
told them and
how what has happened was explained to them. Respect and support
their
parent's decisions in this area.
-Remember the father, he ttoo is grieving, but is often overlooked
by people.
He may have difficulty in expressing his feelings and may feel he
has to be strong
for everyone else. Give him permission to grieve. Also sometimes
people call the
husband and ask "is she ok", "how is she doing,"
Try to remember that he lost his baby too and though he is going to most
likely
act strong for her he is hurting also. So ask how he is doing before you
talk to her. The father may well answer the phone, as it is common for
them to try and screen calls. Remember to ask him how he is
coping!
Sometimes men start to grieve a little later, after the woman has started
to feel a
little better.
- Make a note of the baby's birthdayy and/or due date. Send a card
or
flowers or simply phone the family and say you are thinking of them, your
kindness will be very much appreciated. The due date may be particularly
significant for parents whose baby died early in the pregnancy. Also
remember,
Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day and other significant occasions.
Holidays
may be painful and the parents will need EXTRA support and understanding!
Receiving a gift or special keepsake/momento on baby's birthday
and
Christmas and other holidays means so much. The days and weeks leading
up to
these holidays are so hard for the parents and such a reminder of
what they have
lost! Acknowledge that the baby lives on
their lives and hearts.
- Do call them often, (even afteer months have passed) and let them
know you
are thinking about them, this time is still so hard, and often
parents feel
forgotten when the first couple of weeks pass and people go on with
their lives
and tend to forget that they are still in the midst of such severe pain.
We suggest
you ask how they are doing and mention the baby by name 2, 4, 6,
etc...months
from now.
-Avoid using clichés p; especially those starting with
" at least" i.e. "At least you
can have another baby." "At least you already have children."
These statements
tend to minimize what your friends are going through and deny the individuality
and significance of this precious baby's life and the importance he/she
has in her
parents lives and hearts. Some clichés we REALLY HATE are
"It was God's
will," "It's for the Best," "You should be happy. At least you know your
baby's in
heaven," "you'll get over it" etc. Statements like this DO NOT help. Bereaved
parents do NOT want to hear that it was for the best or that God
had a hand in
it. Even if it's true, it doesn't help. Instead, if spirituality
is important to your
friend, encourage her and tell her you will pray for her. Tell her
it's OK to be
mad at God. He understands, etc...
-Do not be tempted to judge your friiends feelings. They have enough
to
cope with without having to justify their feelings or reactions to
anyone. There is
no 'normal' way to react and they need to know that you accept them as
they
are.
- It will help parents to know you rremember their baby, and you
realize that
their baby is constantly on their minds. Even if talking about
him or her makes
them cry, these are tears that need to be shed. Don't think that
you have upset
them, they are already upset and you have helped by allowing them
the freedom
to express their pain.
-Be sensitive about the things that belonged to or where going to belong
to
the baby. Most parents will want and need to out these
things away by
themselves when they feel ready. Don't rush them. This is part of
saying
goodbye, and some parents may not take or put things away for a long long
time
and that too is okay.
-Realize that unfortunately there issn't anything you can do to make
it better.
They are going to be very upset and all you can do is tell them that you
love
them and that you will be there for them.
-Tell them how very sorry you are
-A big thing is to try not to comparre any other loss with the loss of
a baby.
Sometimes people think by saying " I know how you feel my (grandma, dog,
Mother etc.) have passed on" it will make us feel better. I know
peoples initial
reaction is to try and relate to the person but, we have lost innocent
little babies
who will never know life and comparing it to any other loss
usually will cause
upset.
-Admit you don't know how they feel<, say "I can't imagine how you
feel and I
just wanted you to know that I am here for you and very sorry."
-If you are pregnant it may be hhard for your friends to see or even
talk to you.
you will need to be very understanding and extra patient with your friend.
They
still love you and and happy for you it is just such a huge
reminder of what
they have lost. Some may not be able to talk to you right now. If this
happens
please don't take it personally it is just that to avoid pregnant people
at the
moment may save our sanity.
Your bereaved friends may even feel a little jealous of you
(especially after
your baby comes), and then feel ANGRY at themselves for feeling that way
because they don't really begrudge you YOUR happiness, it's just
that they are
mourning the loss of theirs.
Congratulations on your baby, we know this will make you know just how
blessed you will be. When people with little babies know how lucky
they
are, it is easier to be around them.
Another very difficult situation is the baby showers of friends or relatives.
Even as
long as a year, after the baby's death your friend still may not be able
to go to a
baby shower. It is just too hard -- too many memories. Please don't
take it
personally if she opts to not attend your shower.
-When the shock has worn off (3-77 weeks after the baby's birth) we
may begin
to feel hopeless and may begin to wonder how on earth we will be able to
resume a normal life without our baby.
Call the bereaved family frequently during this time they may not want
to talk but
knowing people called may help them to feel just a little bit better.
Please let
your other friends know too.
- If the parents have a computer with iinternet access, encourage them to
check
out this bulletin board at Parents
Place. They will find an unbelievable amount of
support and encouragement from parents who have been where they are now.
The day some of us found this group is the day we knew we could make
it.
You are a great friend. Good luck to you and please give other friends
some of
this advice.