Truly said and truly hurtful

                             Below you will find some true stories. Comments made to bereaved parents in
                             order to "comfort" them but which in fact hurt them and for which they still suffer
                             pain with the memory.
                           If you are in the position to offer comfort to bereaved parents please avoid any  of  the comments below
                            as they will hurt the person you are seeking to help.  

                            1. "You're young, you can have more."  This is such a common comment !
                             This is how four bereaved mothers felt when they heard it :
 
                             That was so hurtful when my baby means so much to me.
 
                             All I want to know now is "where are  the other kids I  can have?????" I mean,
                             they told me I could right !!!!
 
                             After I heard it so many times, I got  upset and said to them if my eight year old
                             had died would you say I  could have more? No! So don't say it about my baby.
                             They  stopped.

                             2. We had gone on a family trip to Sweden when I was approx 6 months
                             pregnant. A couple of  days after my daughter was born still, my Father
                             said "Well at least she got to see Sweden"!! I  was shocked! I know he didn't
                            mean it as hurtful (he's one of the kindest men) but it was way out  of line and the
                            tears started running down my face again.

                            3. Four days after my second stillbirth, a lady told me that my babies were "devil
                            babies", because if they had been of God, they would have lived!!! I just stood
                            there totally in shock and didn't even  respond. Later I came up with all kinds of
                            responses to that, but, at the time, I just couldn't believe  anyone would say such
                            a thing and couldn't do anything but stare at her! (I am perfectly capable of
                            punching holes in that kind of theology!!!) : )

                             4. My oldest friend said "it's just the luck of the cards, move  on"

                             5. My good friend who was due 6 weeks after me said "We knew you would
                             take this hard, but  we didn't think you would take it THIS hard" (that was 3
                             weeks after my daughters birth/death.
 
                            6. Comparing losses:

                            7. "Just be glad you didn't get to know her, she was probably deformed or
                             going  to be  retarded". My daughter had a cord accident, there was absolutely
                             nothing  "wrong" with her, she  was perfect. BUT even if she had been deformed
                             or retarded I  still would have preferred to have her and care for her than not.
                             Also I feel like I didn't get to know her enough, I have so few happy memories of
                             her I feel like my grief would be easier to bear if I had known her a little more and
                             my family and friends knew her and lots of memories of her too.

                             8. Sitting around the lunch table at work, we were discussing our babies birth
                             weights, as a women we work with had delivered her baby the night before. I
                             said that I had a big difference in the birth weight of my babies, the biggest being
                             my oldest at 9 lbs, 11 oz and the smallest being my baby who died at 6 lbs. 3 oz
                             That's when one of the women said, "well, he doesn't count". First, I burst into
                             tears and ran into the ladies room. There was no way I could stay the rest of the
                             day, so I went home and cried  some more. After talking it over with dh, the next
                            morning I confronted her and told her how much  it hurts when people totally
                            ignore the fact that I had another child. My baby may be gone, but he'll
                            never be forgotten.

                            9. Several weeks after our son was born my husband and I were invited to
                            supper at a co-workers  house. Emotionally I hasn't really ready but agreed on
                            my husbands behalf. While we were there a neighbour  came over and brought her
                            two year old and three week old daughters. When she asked if we had
                            children I could barely respond - what a difficult question to answer. I answered
                            no thinking it  would be easier than explaining our situation to a complete stranger.
                            Her response to this was,  "you are so lucky". I immediately burst into tears and
                             had to excuse myself. It has taken some time  but I can now proudly answer the
                            question by saying "yes, we have a son in heaven".

                             10. This person said to  me I heard that you lost the Baby. Then she asked
                             me "What's the matter with you? -Why couldn't  you carry her?  I looked
                             at her stung. I then spoke to her as if I were speaking to a child of 3 or 4
                             years old. And I told her I didn't lose her she was born dead. For a lack of a
                             better term people  use that word, "lost" , and it annoys the Heck out of me.

                             11. This first comment was made after I had lost my babies and shortly after I
                            found out I was  pregnant again. A close co-worker said "Why would you go
                            and get pregnant again?" This may seem like a logical question considering that
                             I had two stillbirths before, but my feelings were  VERY hurt by this comment.
                            Her tone of voice made me feel like she was implying that I wasn't fit
                             to be pregnant. Like I wasn't "allowed" to have children. Needless to say, she
                             wasn't very  supportive during my pregnancy or after I had my next baby..

                             12.  The second comment was just made to me recently. Also at work, but
                             not by a co-worker, but a  client. This person said "just wait until you have
                             children". I really wanted to say, "I do, but they live  in Heaven". I didn't have
                            the strength to say anything, but hopefully some day I will.

                             13. How about "what did you do for that to happen?" and when I responded
                             "nothing, it just happened the DOLT said, "well, you must have done
                             SOMETHING." THANK GOD my friend was there,  someone who is usually
                             quiet and thoughtful. She asked her "What would make you ask something
                             so incredibly STUPID?" with a totally relaxed demeanour that never betrayed
                             what that last word  was going to be.

                            14.  I got all the usual things, . . . well, you have two others, you can try again,
                             this was God's way of taking care of something wrong, now that child can never
                             cause you heartache in the  future, yada yada yada . . . . PU-LEASE!
 

                             15. At church...they announced about my second baby being born still and the
                             funeral arrangements and things this couple sitting in front of my  close friends
                             looked at each other and said "well, you would think they would've figured out
                             not to  have anymore"

                             16.I sometimes have difficulty around kids who are the same age as mine
                             would have been if they had  lived. This woman noticing my discomfort said
                             "How in the hell do you think you could've taken care of your own kids, when
                              you can't even stand  to be around mine??"

                            17.  They would say that it wasn't meant to be.

                             18.  I am pregnant now and at the beginning of the pregnancy, I was spotting so I
                             thought I was going  to lose the baby. I told my SIL that I was going to the
                             hospital and she told me that if I m/c at  home that it was only going to be a
                             blood clot so why bother going to the hospital. I was so mad at  her and I told
                             her I didn't care what it was because it was still my baby and I did not want to
                            have  it in the toilet. That was just mean!
 

                             19.  Thirty minutes after our son was born/died at 20 wks due to incompetent
                              cervix, my  sister called at the hospital. She was crying and told me she was
                              sorry. Then, she asked me "Have  you scheduled a hysterectomy? Why
                             don't  you get it all done with since you're already in there?"  Now, I ask you this.
                             How  in the world was I supposed to respond to THAT???

                              20. On Jack's due date, I was speaking to my sister on the phone. I
                             made a comment about  it being a bad day and that I was upset about Jack. I
                             told her it should have been his birthday  today. After about 10 minutes she
                             asked me "Who the h*** is Jack? What is the big deal?   What are you
                             talking about?" Well, since she had paid for his funeral, I didn't feel that a lengthy
                             explanation about him was necessary. Apparently, I was wrong.

 
                             21 In the hospital RIGHT AFTER my daughter was  born, I heard a nurse say
                            well it was for the best anyway how is a young girl like that going to care for a
                            baby?" I was  19...

                             22. I was told my baby died because I didn't pray enough and because I
                            planned to divorce my husband.
 
                             23.  On the first Mothers Day after Sierra's birth I was talking about my best
                             friend being on bed rest  and all the trouble she was having. She looked at me
                             with the straightest face and said "Did you tell  her not to put her hands above her
                             head like you did and strangle the baby?"  My mouth fell to the floor and I
                             proceeded to tell her that there was no truth in that old wives tale and she
                             wanted to argue  with me over it.

                             24.  One comment I got was about a month after loosing my baby. I was telling a
                             good friend about the  birth experience and she asked me, "How in the H***
                             could you hold a dead baby?" I told her,  "Well, he was my son and he
                             deserved to be held."

                             25 I was talking about Bryan with another friend and she said, "Who is Bryan?" I
                             was floored. I  explained to her who he was and she said, "oh you named it."

                             26. I had someone recently refer to me only having two children and when I
                             corrected her she said,  "Oh, you know what I mean."

                            27. What I get these days is stuff like "Aren't you over it yet?" and "You're
                             dwelling  in the past." (Mostly because I have a web site in honor of Bryan.) I
                             guess if I was a cancer  survivor and had a web site dedicated to heightened
                            awareness about cancer then I would be  viewed as a saint or something.

                             28. After stating that "It's better this way, anyway" my "friend" said "Well, it
                             wasn't like it  was a BABY, ...you can have a baby some other time...you should
                             wait five years, though, because you  just can't afford it...you should look at this
                             as a good thing." Well, I was happy to tell her when I  found out I had finally
                             conceived again! And, you know what she said THEN??? "So, you got
                              knocked up AGAIN, huh?" Geeze, I'm married and 23 years old! I live on my
                             own with my  husband and 4yo little girl and a good job! What the hell is wrong
                             with her???
 

 

 

 
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