1. "You're young, you can have more." This is such a common comment
!
This is how four bereaved mothers felt when they heard it :
That was so hurtful when my baby means so much to me.
All I want to know now is "where are the other kids I can have?????"
I mean,
they told me I could right !!!!
After I heard it so many times, I got upset and said to them if my
eight year old
had died would you say I could have more? No! So don't say it about
my baby.
They stopped.
3. Four days after my second stillbirth, a lady told me that my babies
were "devil
babies", because if they had been of God, they would have lived!!! I just
stood
there totally in shock and didn't even respond. Later I came up with
all kinds of
responses to that, but, at the time, I just couldn't believe anyone
would say such
a thing and couldn't do anything but stare at her! (I am perfectly capable
of
punching holes in that kind of theology!!!) : )
4. My oldest friend said "it's just the luck of the cards, move on"
5. My good friend who was due 6 weeks after me said "We knew you would
take this hard, but we didn't think you would take it THIS hard"
(that was 3
weeks after my daughters birth/death.
6. Comparing losses:
I had a woman ring me up after my full term baby had died and said that she could understand how I felt because her sister had had a miscarriage !
My aunt said: "I had a miscarriage too, and I got over it, Just have another baby and you will forget all about this one" (first, her miscarriage was 50 years ago, perhaps she has forgotten how painful it was) and I did NOT have a miscarriage, my baby was stillborn...not that a miscarriage is not devastating in itself but she said it in a way that would even minimize the pain of a miscarriage...like it meant nothing).
7. "Just be glad you didn't get to know her, she was probably deformed
or
going to be retarded". My daughter had a cord accident, there
was absolutely
nothing "wrong" with her, she was perfect. BUT even if she
had been deformed
or retarded I still would have preferred to have her and care for
her than not.
Also I feel like I didn't get to know her enough, I have so few happy memories
of
her I feel like my grief would be easier to bear if I had known her a little
more and
my family and friends knew her and lots of memories of her too.
8. Sitting around the lunch table at work, we were discussing our babies
birth
weights, as a women we work with had delivered her baby the night before.
I
said that I had a big difference in the birth weight of my babies, the
biggest being
my oldest at 9 lbs, 11 oz and the smallest being my baby who died at 6
lbs. 3 oz
That's when one of the women said, "well, he doesn't count". First, I burst
into
tears and ran into the ladies room. There was no way I could stay the rest
of the
day, so I went home and cried some more. After talking it over with
dh, the next
morning I confronted her and told her how much it hurts when people
totally
ignore the fact that I had another child. My baby may be gone, but he'll
never be forgotten.
9. Several weeks after our son was born my husband and I were invited to
supper at a co-workers house. Emotionally I hasn't really ready but
agreed on
my husbands behalf. While we were there a neighbour came over and
brought her
two year old and three week old daughters. When she asked if we had
children I could barely respond - what a difficult question to answer.
I answered
no thinking it would be easier than explaining our situation to a
complete stranger.
Her response to this was, "you are so lucky". I immediately burst
into tears and
had to excuse myself. It has taken some time but I can now proudly
answer the
question by saying "yes, we have a son in heaven".
10. This person said to me I heard that you lost the Baby. Then she
asked
me "What's the matter with you? -Why couldn't you carry her?
I looked
at her stung. I then spoke to her as if I were speaking to a child of 3
or 4
years old. And I told her I didn't lose her she was born dead. For a lack
of a
better term people use that word, "lost" , and it annoys the Heck
out of me.
11. This first comment was made after I had lost my babies and shortly
after I
found out I was pregnant again. A close co-worker said "Why would
you go
and get pregnant again?" This may seem like a logical question considering
that
I had two stillbirths before, but my feelings were VERY hurt by this
comment.
Her tone of voice made me feel like she was implying that I wasn't fit
to be pregnant. Like I wasn't "allowed" to have children. Needless to say,
she
wasn't very supportive during my pregnancy or after I had my next
baby..
12. The second comment was just made to me recently. Also at work,
but
not by a co-worker, but a client. This person said "just wait until
you have
children". I really wanted to say, "I do, but they live in Heaven".
I didn't have
the strength to say anything, but hopefully some day I will.
13. How about "what did you do for that to happen?" and when I responded
"nothing, it just happened the DOLT said, "well, you must have done
SOMETHING." THANK GOD my friend was there, someone who is usually
quiet and thoughtful. She asked her "What would make you ask something
so incredibly STUPID?" with a totally relaxed demeanour that never betrayed
what that last word was going to be.
14. I got all the usual things, . . . well, you have two others,
you can try again,
this was God's way of taking care of something wrong, now that child can
never
cause you heartache in the future, yada yada yada . . . . PU-LEASE!
15. At church...they announced about my second baby being born still and
the
funeral arrangements and things this couple sitting in front of my
close friends
looked at each other and said "well, you would think they would've figured
out
not to have anymore"
16.I sometimes have difficulty around kids who are the same age as mine
would have been if they had lived. This woman noticing my discomfort
said
"How in the hell do you think you could've taken care of your own kids,
when
you can't even stand to be around mine??"
17. They would say that it wasn't meant to be.
18. I am pregnant now and at the beginning of the pregnancy, I was
spotting so I
thought I was going to lose the baby. I told my SIL that I was going
to the
hospital and she told me that if I m/c at home that it was only going
to be a
blood clot so why bother going to the hospital. I was so mad at her
and I told
her I didn't care what it was because it was still my baby and I did not
want to
have it in the toilet. That was just mean!
19. Thirty minutes after our son was born/died at 20 wks due to incompetent
cervix, my sister called at the hospital. She was crying and told
me she was
sorry. Then, she asked me "Have you scheduled a hysterectomy? Why
don't you get it all done with since you're already in there?"
Now, I ask you this.
How in the world was I supposed to respond to THAT???
20. On Jack's due date, I was speaking to my sister on the phone. I
made a comment about it being a bad day and that I was upset about
Jack. I
told her it should have been his birthday today. After about 10 minutes
she
asked me "Who the h*** is Jack? What is the big deal? What
are you
talking about?" Well, since she had paid for his funeral, I didn't feel
that a lengthy
explanation about him was necessary. Apparently, I was wrong.
21 In the hospital RIGHT AFTER my daughter was born, I heard a nurse
say
well it was for the best anyway how is a young girl like that going to
care for a
baby?" I was 19...
22. I was told my baby died because I didn't pray enough and because I
planned to divorce my husband.
23. On the first Mothers Day after Sierra's birth I was talking about
my best
friend being on bed rest and all the trouble she was having. She
looked at me
with the straightest face and said "Did you tell her not to put her
hands above her
head like you did and strangle the baby?" My mouth fell to the floor
and I
proceeded to tell her that there was no truth in that old wives tale and
she
wanted to argue with me over it.
24. One comment I got was about a month after loosing my baby. I
was telling a
good friend about the birth experience and she asked me, "How in
the H***
could you hold a dead baby?" I told her, "Well, he was my son and
he
deserved to be held."
25 I was talking about Bryan with another friend and she said, "Who is
Bryan?" I
was floored. I explained to her who he was and she said, "oh you
named it."
26. I had someone recently refer to me only having two children and when
I
corrected her she said, "Oh, you know what I mean."
27. What I get these days is stuff like "Aren't you over it yet?" and "You're
dwelling in the past." (Mostly because I have a web site in honor
of Bryan.) I
guess if I was a cancer survivor and had a web site dedicated to
heightened
awareness about cancer then I would be viewed as a saint or something.
28. After stating that "It's better this way, anyway" my "friend" said
"Well, it
wasn't like it was a BABY, ...you can have a baby some other time...you
should
wait five years, though, because you just can't afford it...you should
look at this
as a good thing." Well, I was happy to tell her when I found out
I had finally
conceived again! And, you know what she said THEN??? "So, you got
knocked up AGAIN, huh?" Geeze, I'm married and 23 years old! I live on
my
own with my husband and 4yo little girl and a good job! What the
hell is wrong
with her???
31. I miscarried at 4 1/2 months. I was told that it was a girl, so
I named her. There was no funeral, no pictures for me to see, only this
emptiness in my heart. When I arrived home from the
hospital the next day, I was met by many of my husbands family members.
I could not believe some of the things that were said to me.
My sister-in-law asked me what I had done to cause the miscarriage.
My Mother-in-law (our baby's grandmother) said it was for the best
because we didn't need another
baby anyway.
My best friend asked me why in the world would I name a dead baby.
She wasn't actually born if she wasn't alive at birth.
Others thought I was morbid because I said I would have liked to have
seen her and taken a picture of
her to keep. And the classic of all times was said by many. You can
always have another baby, when you are more prepared. If people only knew
how bad those words hurt. Maybe they would think before speaking.
32. Stupid comments said to me after my idential twin son died "he's
in a better place,
just be glad that he's in no more pain, did you get your tubes tied?"
33. Some-one say to me "If I had taken the correct vitamins that my baby wouldn't have died."