Farmer Jokes
All semblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. If you happen to recognize yourself
or someone that you know in any of these jokes, I hope you have enough of a sense of humor to laugh about it.
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A lawyer was out in the country visiting his wife's cousin
about some land contract deal when the farmer suggested they do a
short tour of the dairy pasture. As they walked along, the farmer in his overalls and boots, the lawyer in his $900.00 Armani suit and $400.00 Gucci shoes, the lawyer inadvertently stepped in a cowpie. "Damn!", he exclaimed, pulling his foot from the center of the puddle. "What the hell is this?". The farmer glanced around casually and took in the scene, "Looks to me like your melting," he replied.
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The farmer had an old bull named Sam for many years and he had done a
wonderful job for the cows, very productive and fine calves were always
the results. However, old Sam was just that, getting a little on the old
side. So one fine day, the farmer brought home a young bull to assist
Sam in his endevors. The two bulls looked each other over carefully for a day or two and then began to size each other up a little more carefully. The young bull says to Sam - "Sam, I believe that I can do a much better job and a lot faster than you can." Well, Sam said he allowed that the youngster hadn’t been to the bathroom for a few days so he must be full of it to make such a remark. The snipping went on for a while and it was decided that a test would be the only way to really solve the question. The young bull says, "We will just line all the heifers up in a row and you start on one end and I’ll start on the other and we will see just where in the line up we meet". So the cows were all lined up and Sam started on one end and the young bull on the other. Down on his end old Sam was WHAM BAM -- THANK YOU MAM! WHAM BAM -- THANK YOU MAM! WHAM BAM -- THANK YOU MAM! WHAM BAM -- THANK YOU MAM! On the other end the yougster was WHAMBAM-THANKYOU MAM! WHAMBAM-THANKYOU MAM! WHAMBAM-THANKYOU MAM! WHAMBAM-THANKYOU MAM! WHAMBAM-THANKYOU MAM! WHAMBAM-THANKYOU MAM! WHAMBAM-THANKYOU MAM! WHAMBAM-SORRY SAM! WHAMBAM-THANKYOU MAM!
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Step up folks, I'm gonna sell this cow,
Give me 8, this cow's great,
Call the vet, I'll take 4.
She's a dandy, not too old,
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A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A
man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that is so horrible? Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over. Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So then what happened? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. Man: Again? So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. Man: And then what? Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail. Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset! Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So then what did you do? Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
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One day this Nebraska couple decided to get married. After the
wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road,
the new bride sees two cows mating. The new bride asks, "What
are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses mating. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands pecker. "What is that?" she asks. "That is my rope" he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" "They are my knots" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband asks "What's the matter honey?" The bride replies, "Undo those knots and give me more rope."
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A man takes his wife to the livestock show. They start heading down the
bull alley. The sign on the first bull states: "This bull mated fifty times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated, "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This bull mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceed to the last bull and his sign states, " This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "WOW!! This bull mated 365 times last year. THAT'S ONCE A DAY. You could really learn from this one!" Fed up, the man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
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The farmer was getting on in years(ninety five)
to be exact so after much urging by the kids he went to the undertakers to
arrange for his funeral. They went over the hymns, the pallbearers,the plot,where to seat the mourners, the flowers or if the doner wanted to give to a charity. They even talked about a wake. After all was decided the undertaker said, " Please do not misunderstand me for we can do as you request, but why do you want to be buried on the seat of your Minneapolis-Moline tractor?" To which the old farmer said, "I never did see a hole that Moline could not dig its way out of."
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window on to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discoverinng what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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A young farmer and his new bride wanted desperately to start a
family, but they didn't know what they had to do to have children. So,
they decided to visit a doctor. With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor. The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result. Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the examination table, removed all her clothing, and had intercourse with her. He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, "Now do you understand?" "Yes, doctor," the hillbilly responded, "but just one question." Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor asked, "Yes, what is it now?" "How often do I have to bring her in?"
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A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning
and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards. Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard. As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house. "Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!" "Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck." "No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!" "Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer. "Country way? What's that?" says the hunter. "We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is, unless you're Yella." "Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter. "Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first." With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly dies. After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn! The farmer reply: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."
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There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I am the boss", she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?" "Well. . . yes", he answered. "Then unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said. He did as she asked. "Now take off my boots." He did. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked. "Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him. Then she looked at him and said.... "And don't you ever wear my clothes to town again.
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