Farmer Jokes
All semblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. If you happen to recognize yourself
or someone that you know in any of these jokes, I hope you have enough of a sense of humor to laugh about it.
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A livestock feed salesman was traveling through a very remote rural area and his car broke down. Getting out, the man walked down the dirt road and eventually came to a farmhouse. Walking up into the yard, the salesman saw an old farmer sitting on the porch. Sitting beside him was a pig with two wooden peg legs. The farmer allowed the salesman to use the telephone and call a tow truck. Once he had, the salesman and the farmer moved back out onto the porch and began talking. The salesman commented to the farmer, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice that your pig has two wooden peg legs." "That there is an incredible pig, young man. One night, there was a fox in the hen house and the incredible pig charged up on this here porch and banged on the door until I woke up and heard the commotion. Saved me alot of chickens, he did." "Wow," the salesman said, "that is an incredible pig". "Oh, that ain't all he's done" replied the farmer. "Another time, the incrdible pig saved me and my wife's lives. Our kitchen had caught fire and the incredible pig kept charging the door until he broke in. He raced upstairs and woke us up. I was able to put out the fire. Yep, that pig saved us, he did". The salesman was amazed. "Sir, you are right. That is truely incredible pig. If you don't mind my asking, what happened to his legs?"
"Son," replied the farmer, "you just don't eat an incredible pig like this one all a once." |
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A couple got married and after the reception they were heading off to the farm in the horse and cart. Along the way, the horse stopped to have a nibble of grass off the side of the road. The farmer got out of the cart and grabbed the bridle, looked the horse in the eyes and said "That's once". He then hopped back onto the cart and proceeded down the road once again. About a mile or so later, the horse stopped again and started eating the grass. The farmer grabbed his rifle, hopped off the wagon, and shot the horse dead. His new bride was horrified, and screamed at him, "What the hell did you do that for." The farmer said: "That's once"
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There was a young man who was hitchhiking through one of the Southern states. A farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift. As they rode along, they got to talking about the local moonshine whiskey. The young man said he didn't drink very much and moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes. "Nonsense!" said the farmer. "You gotta try some." He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. "Here," he said, handing the jar to the lad. "Take a drink!" "Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "I really don't think I care for any." "No, I insist," pressed the farmer. "Have some." "No, thanks - really," said the young man. The farmer wasn't going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, "I said, take a drink!" "Okay! Okay!" said the young man. "I've changed my mind! I guess I will have some after all." The young man took a few swallows before he realized how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound. "What do you think of it?" asked the farmer. "Good, ain't it?" "Yeah," gasped the lad, "I guess so." Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. "Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink!
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Farmer Brown, from Nebraska, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because Farmer Brown knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem. "Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bulls rectum and blow and when the eyes uncross, yell stop!!" The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross. He says to himself "I better call the vet. No, wait a moment. Last time I called the vet he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself." He went to the barn and called his trusty farmhand, Luke. "Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing." Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened. Finally he said "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch." Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it over and reinserted it. "What the hell are you doing, Luke?" "Hey, boss, I'm not stupid. I'm not blowing on the same end that you did!!!!"
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A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows." "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?". "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
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A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself mister," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
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A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go huntin'?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
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It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."
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There was a Texas rancher visiting his cousin, a Nebraska dirt farmer the other day. The Texas producer was asking his cousin about the size of his fields and the size of his farm. The Texan went on to say, "I can get in my pickup in the morning and ride all day and not see my whole farm." The Nebraska cousin replied, "Yeah, I had a pickup like that once, but I traded it for a brand new one."
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Two city boys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen a goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
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A farm boy walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The boy says, "Okay," and leaves. The next day, the farm boy walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the boy leaves. Next day, the farm boy walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The boy leaves. The next day, the farm boy walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No!" says the clerk. "Good!" says the farm boy, "Got any duck feed?"
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