"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"Okay, then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the two met up, and the farmer who sold the donkey asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."

While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came across a contest form while she was in the store. It was from the Carnation Milk Company and the object was to complete a jingle in fifty words or less. The Company furnished the first line of the jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best of all......." and it was about those little cans of milk found on grocery store shelves.

So she completed their jingle and sent it off to the Carnation Milk Company. A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However, it was unfortunate the company could not publish it.

In lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of $1000 for her creativity. "I like Carnation best of all, No tits to pull, no shit to haul No barns to clean, no hay to pitch JUST PUNCH A HOLE IN THE SON OF A BITCH."

The farmer says, "Well, y'all got to prove how bad you want her. You gotta run across that there field, jump over that barbed wire fence, swim across that there creek, then run up and fuck the cow that's there, and then come all the way back."

The English guy takes off first, but gets caught in the barbed wire. The French guy gets as far as the creek, but forgets he can't swim, and almost drowns before he washes up on the rocks downstream.

The hillbilly shoots across the field, leaps over the barbed wire, swims across the creek, runs up and fucks the cow, and runs all the way back.

The farmer says, "Well, I guess it's plain to see... you get my daughter."

The hillbilly says, "To hell with your daughter. How much you want for the cow?"

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'." Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said,"You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!!"

However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking, he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend my honor. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the damn chickens."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."

The farmer felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The farmer finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Earl the farmer, 30, struck by lightning while driving an old tractor."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

A while later the doctor saw the man in town and asked how the delivery went.

The farmer said all went well and both mother and bouncing baby boy were doing great. The only trouble he had was getting his wife to eat the afterbirth.

Farmer John takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he under- stood and said, "Ok, Dad."

A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for..

Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself.

Farmer John says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."

The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that DAMN TRACTOR IS PAID OFF!!!"