Farmer Jokes
All semblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. If you happen to recognize yourself
or someone that you know in any of these jokes, I hope you have enough of a sense of humor to laugh about it.
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One
day the schoolmarm was reading the story of Chicken Little to her
class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
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A young man graduated from the University of Missouri with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Missouri himself, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, down by Westphalia in Osage County, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's pigs got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, even had all of her teeth, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home." Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "Well, I got lost once..."
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A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow
Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
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A professor at the University of Indiana was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost. About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begin to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Billy Bob replied, "Shiiiiiit!!! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!
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Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse." Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!" Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole." Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!" Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!" Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!" Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole." Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!" Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
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A rancher lived out on the prairies of Montana all alone, far from town, with only a few neighbors in the distance. One day he looked up and could see a car coming down the road in a cloud of dust headed for his place. When the car arrived he could see it was the local sheriff. He knew the local sheriff and said "Hi Bill, What brings you out here? Come on in for a cup of coffee". "I can't" the sheriff says, "I'm on official business. You know that some new people named Abernathy bought the old Williams place over there. Well. it seems that Mrs. Abernathy is a nosey sort. Anyway, she has a telescope and has been watching you. She's filed a formal complaint. She says she's seen you having sex with one of your goats". "Well" the rancher says "it's true. I'm all alone out here and it does happen". "I'm going to have to take you in" the sheriff says. On the way into town the rancher asks the sheriff. "What do you think I should do". "You need a good lawyer". "Can you recommend anyone". "Well" the sheriff says "There are two lawyers in town. There's that new kid, Benson. He's new to the area but graduated with honors from Harvard law school. Then theres Ole Earl. Now Earl has been around forever and is a little behind the times on the latest laws and everything. But one thing about Ole Earl is he really knows how to pick a jury". "Who would you recommend" the rancher asks. "I'd recommend Ole Earl". So the rancher hires Ole Earl and they go to trial. The prosecutor puts Mrs. Abernathy on the stand and tells her he wants to tell the jury every detail of what she saw, not to leave anything out. Mrs. Abernathy says "I saw that man right there (pointing at the rancher) having sex with one of his goats. And not only that, when he was done that goat turned around and licked his penis". At that point one juror leans over to another and whispers... "A good goat'll do that for ya"!
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A farmer and his new wife were checking in to a small motel. The wife mentions that they are on their honeymoon. "Oh how nice -- would you like to rent the bridal?"
"Nah, we won't need it," the farmer answers. "I'll just hold her by
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"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.) "It ain't my fault." Miss Crabtree, "You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!" Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!" "Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'. "Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
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A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was
plowing the field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the
farmer a tractor to plow with. The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have three new ones at the barn" "Well, if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing this field with that bull?" asked the salesman. The farmer replied, "This is part of the bull's continuing education, I am teaching him that there is more to farming than screwing cows and tearing down fences.
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The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-
viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this
career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
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Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil and then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes." The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body. Then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour." The Farmer says, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours." The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on her new winder curtains.
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A Farmer was plowing a field and his neighbor came over to see how he
was doing. When the farmer was done he came over to talk to his neighbor, the neighbor told the farmer that he had missed a spot. The farmer said, I can't plow that, that is "SACRED GROUND", thats where I had my "FIRST SEX EXPERIENCE", and do you see that tree over there? Her MOTHER stood there and watched us. The neighbor said "What did her mother say?" "She said 'BAAAA! BAAAA'!"
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