"Well, my wife ain't home," said the man. "She's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got."

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God! How'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "So this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

"Now listen, Luke," the doctor advised, "you have to be more loving to your wife. Give her lots of hugs and kisses. Show her how much you care."

"Well, I do the best I can, Doc," the fellow cried. "You see I'm up before the sun rises, working in the field until dusk. I'm just too tired."

The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "Take a shotgun with you next time you work in the field and shoot it off every time you're feeling a bit frisky. When your wife hears the noise, she'll come a-runnin'."

About a month later Farmer Brown went back to the doctor....this time really depressed.

"What's wrong" asked the doctor. "Didn't you take my advice?"

"Yep, I sure did, and everything was going great until hunting season started last week," moaned the farmer. "I haven't seen her since."

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're in aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on 'em," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.

He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago, and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replies, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, Ma'am, my Daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bailout over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Hitlery tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.

2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face.

Hitlery wants to know what happened. The driver tells her, "I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had this bag of cookies for me."

Hitlery says, "What the hell did you tell them?"

The driver replies, "I told them I was Hitlery Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the bitch."

So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!" Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! Hey, you got you a daughter!" Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we still ain't finished!"

The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry, 'cause that's it!" So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children.

When they got home, they sat down and began talking. Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good thing we didn't use no WD-40!

When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks how he made out. "Not good, Doc." Says Red." I went home and tried to do what you said. I tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis....no luck. I tried with my left hand, until I had blisters....still no luck." "Then I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and then with her right hand....no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out....still no luck."

"Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help...." "Good Grief man!" exclaimed the doctor, "You asked your next door neighbor to help you?"

"Yep." says Red "Couldn't none of us get the lid off that damn jar."

The midget arrives, and the rancher asks if he would like a male or a female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So, the rancher shows him his finest filly.

"Nith looking horth. Can I thee her mouf?" So, the rancher picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

"Nith mouf. Can I thee her eyeth?" Again, the rancher picks the midget up and shows him the horses eyes.

"O.K., what about her earzth?" The rancher, getting pretty irritated by now, lifts him up higher to the ears"O.K.," says the midget, "can I thee her twat?"

With that, the rancher picks up the midget and shoves the little fella's head way up into the filly's rear end, then yanks him out.

Shaking his head, and out of breath the midget says: "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. "Can I thee her wun awownd a wittle bit?

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be sanitary."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the Wharton Law and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The farmer zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Missouri.........and they taught us not to piss on our hands."