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unmitigated weenie alert

alert!

un*mit*i*gat*ed adj. 1. not lessened or eased 2. unqualified; out-and-out; absolute [an unmitigated fool]

wee*nie noun [slang] 1. schmuck 2. jerk 3. drip 4. chicken shit 5. panty-waist 6. simpleton 7. idiot 8. goober 9. dickless wonder 10. fool [an unmitigated weenie]

So what really is a weenie? It's something that sounds tasty at first, then you realize it's only cheap filler.

I'm sure that one time or another most honest, hard working Danger Girls have crossed paths with an Unmitigated Weenie. So you're feeling stupid, betrayed, sucking down cookie dough, and wondering why you fell for it. With the help of some of my fellow Danger cohorts, I have come up with an "Unmitigated Weenie Profile", complete with how do detect a weenie, and avoid them. As an added bonus, I have included some handy tips on how to make a weenie's life as miserable as he made yours!

alert! WEENIE ALERT!: So what's YOUR definition of a sexual act?....EXAMPLE_#1

UNMITIGATED WEENIE DETECTION:

  • Does he constantly ask you for money because he's always strapped for cash?
  • Is he intimidated by your intelligence? Example: Does he resent the fact that you can complete your sentences?
  • Is he intimidated by your independence? For instance, he has to always know who you're with, and what you're doing.
  • Does he have a hard time commiting to plans? It can be something as simple as going to the movies, or choosing which ice cream to buy.
  • Does he always talk about his ex-girlfriends in detail...constantly?
  • He breaks up with you, and the reason he gives is, "I changed my mind", or "It's me, not you."
  • Has he ever used the line "You're a great person, but this isn't a good time for me to get involved."
  • He's not interested in meeting your friends.
  • He often prefers not to go out in public with you.
  • He constantly agonizes over his problems, but never think to ask you about yours.
  • He's a musician/actor/artist by trade and whine about needing to "suffer" for their work
  • He never remembers your birthday.
  • He calls you only when he's horny.
  • He gives you ultimatums. For instance, he'll break up with you if you don't lose weight, or stop being friends with someone, etc.

alert! WEENIE ALERT!: If you're into a man who has a taste for wearing women's underwear, and likes to bite, then check this guy out...EXAMPLE_#2

STEPS TO AVOID TANGLING WITH AN UNMITIGATED WEENIE:

  • If you've encountered a weenie, be sure to dart him, tag him, and then release him back to the wild. If every woman does her part, then weenies will be easy to spot.
  • Become a homosexual
  • Hire a Hitman to take 'um out. Of course this can be quite costly, and you have to be willing to relocate to a different country.

alert! WEENIE ALERT!: This guy (and a few other family members) have made a career out of being a weenie...EXAMPLE_#3

THING TO DO TO AN UNMITIGATED WEENIE JUST FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL AMUSEMENT:

  • Leave him a shit bomb. Oh sure, it's very childish and cruel, but so are UWs.
  • Use him as an example on your UW page.
  • Start rumors about him sleeping with his boss, or his best friend's girlfriend
  • The 'ol sugar in the gas tank routine
  • Glue his nostrils together with crazy glue
  • Sign him up for music clubs and feminist magazine subscriptions
  • Nair + eyebrows
  • Replace his Binaca with pepper spray
  • Beat the crap out of um!
  • Call his mother and give graphic details of your sex life.
  • Take him to court...People's Court.
  • Fill his car with dead fish
  • Lead a successful happy life without him.
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