Sure, you hate to admit you watched it. But the stats don't lie. We all gawked last Wednesday just like we would at a car wreck. What would this enigmatic intern say? What revelations would be revealed? How many times would Monica cry? And by now, you've seen all the reactions to her performance. Regardless, there's not much else interesting to report on, so Monica it is...
Frankly, I've seen chimps that were more articulate and thought out than Ms. Lewinsky. Marcel the Monkey wouldn't have giggled and grinned through this show. Koko the signing gorilla wouldn't have been so brazen as to think she could show just anyone her thong. And that wacky chimp from Project X would have never tried to explain to Barbara Walters how to have phone sex.
Yet Monica was there in all her "glory", laughing at her own little in-jokes, smirking at Barbara, and generally making a fool of herself. And yet we watched. This was the woman that seduced the most powerful man in the world. This was the chick that almost caused the collapsed of government as we know it. This was the lady that would be written about in history books for eternity as a key figure in American life. This was the temptress that gave MSNBC a reason to exist.
God, how I hate her.
But you can't help feeling a little bit of sorrow for Monica. After all, she'll never be able to have a decent job. (Last job: Presidential humidor.) And the motivational speech circuit that most celebrities hit will be difficult to exploit. (Sample speech: How to dry-clean evidence.) So other than writing her memoirs and putting Fabio on the cover, there's little she can do for the rest of her life that will be profitable. Why not do all the money grabbing you can now?
Well, for starters, she didn't string together a coherent sentance the entire evening. One would hope that a college graduate and someone trusted enough to work in the White House would have some grasp of the English Language. I heard more valley speak than any episode of Beverly Hills 90210. But I guess that's understandable, since she herself hails from the region.
Although I don't remember Shannon Doherty being that chubby.
Yes, Monica seemed a little big. Now, I'm no model of fitness myself, but I at least have some self respect. Monica seemed a little bit too obsessed with her appearance as to ignore basic things, like not having sex with the leader of the free world. And then there were the commercials...
No, Monica didn't have any control over the Lean Cuisine, diet shakes, and Weight Watchers that were so hyped during the breaks in the "action." The fault there lies cleary with ABC who thought it would be clever to run a laundry commercial right after the spot where she talks about keeping her dress. (Get it?) With the subtly of a sledgehammer, the network that made stars out of the Olsen twins spewed forth more commericals than I knew what to do with. Unfortunate for me, I kept watching to catch some revelation that might spew forth.
And the only apparent one was that she had had an abortion. What life-shattering details! Now we'll never know if Bill could produce an uglier offspring than Chelsea. Now People Magazine won't have another Presidential kid to put on the cover. Now Stanford won't be able to suck up and give the kid a free scholarship.
So I guess some good came out of the evening after all...