This past week, Al Gore started two initiates to improve the quality of life in the United States. He held a symposium on traffic and introduced new regulations on non-perscription medication. In addition, he reminded us that he invented the Internet. Blasphemous you say? Why waste your time on petty issues you say? Well, since the Vice President is now in the business of regulating minutia and making false claims, I thought I'd help him out by giving him some ideas...
Now that traffic, non-perscription medication, and Internet commerce have been taken care of, one might get the false impression that no issue is too minute for Al Gore to micromanage. How wrong you would be. For you see, our buddy Al is a man of great vision, great ideas, and great boasts. So when he says you can make your quality of life better, you'd better believe him. Just listen to what he will be coming up with...
Weather Regulation: Don't you just hate it when the weather changes at the last second and ruins your day? How about when rain spoils an event you've had planned for months? Or how about that time you plan that trip to Wyoming only to find out that they're in the middle of a massive blizzard? Well, with Mr. Gore's help, these problems will be a thing of the past. Starting in 2005, Al promises that all weather occurences will be posted at least 9 months in advance so Americans can better plan their lives. Rain will try to be held to no more than 3 nights a week, except of course during baseball season. Snow will only be scheduled to occur the night before a 3rd graders big test he didn't study for. Hurricanes, while a ugly necessity, will only hit areas populated by Republicans and other vermin. And tornadoes? We're shipping them to Costa Rica as part of the NAFTA agreement.
Better TV Shows: Now that we will know what the weather is, what will all those TV weatherman do? We wouldn't want Al Roker to turn into a homeless bum, would we? If your name isn't Willard Scott, the answer is no. And what better way to use this fine national commodity than to promote the horrid sitcoms that currently abide on these nations airwaves. Just think how much funnier Suddenly Susan would be if your local meterologist would take the place of, oh say, anyone. I garauntee that ex-weathermen would sweep next years Emmys.
Mandatory HDTV: Well, we're all inside watching TV thanks to the scheduled weather and our weathermen are now making television shows better to watch, America will become glued to the tube, moreso than they already are. And that means that HDTV will be rolled out faster than expected. Right now, only rich white people can buy the expensive sets. But with Al Gore using all the tobacco money to buy everyone a new tube, all of us will be able to see the crisp, clear new signal.
Nuclear Holocaust: You didn't think that Americans made those new television sets, did you? We exported those jobs years ago. Now the Chinese are the only ones in the TV making business. And when we put in a request for 250 million sets and we only toss them a few goverment bucks, it's understandable that the Red Army will get a little peeved. Then, we'll see just how far American technology has come as it reigns down on us in a firey mushroom cloud.
School Uniforms: In the inevitable nuclear winter, we'll need suits that can withstand the fallout of the Chinese bombing. And what better way to protect yourself from all the radiation than with the newly mandated uniforms that all schoolkids will have to wear. No more trying to dress up to impress people. Everyone will get the same design of space suit. Parents will no longer have to worry about how much skin their kids are showing, since any uncovered flesh would immediately burn off. And no one would dare try to piere anything on these suits. That's just asking for trouble.
See? What a better country we'd be with Al at the helm. Just a thought...