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Empty Silence

An Explanation
The Smile of a Clown
The Best of Friends
The Party
Gentle Rain
And Other Things...
A Forever Moment
The Good Place
Memories of Farewell
A Dream So Sweet
Empty Silence

These chains are all your own
These chains are comfortable
This cage was never locked
Born free but scared to be⁽¹⁾

It happened again - just like every time Kev and I go out anywhere.
People staring at us - at him.
It just makes me so damn mad !
I mean, why can't people just accept him for what he is ? He's not a monster; he's a human being.
He was having such a good time with that child - both of them were. And then the boy's mother came out and that was it. The look of horror on her face at the sight of Kev and her son throwing that ball back and forth... That really said it all.
It was as if she expected Kev to all of a sudden take the boy away, or worse...
Why ?
Because he's different ?
Is that it ?
Have we become so hung up on appearances that it's as simple as that ?
Yeah, I know I'm no better. When I first see a person, the first thing to go through my mind is whatever stereotype fits them: redneck, slut, nigger, spic, dyke. I can't help it; it's so ingrained. But at least I push that label to the back of my mind, and go on to judge the person by who they are, not by what "society" says I should think they are.
But with Kevin, that woman didn't. She couldn't have. She didn't have enough time.
All she saw was her son playing with a stranger - a giant.
A potential threat.
At least the other woman was a little better - I don't think she liked either of us. She just seemed to be pissed at everyone...

"Hey Kev, can you turn it down a bit ? Please ?"
Turning his gaze from the television - Bart was enjoying the fruits of yet another one of his scams, this time lounging on a hotel bed while a masseuse went about his business - Kevin looked up at Brad with slightly widened eyes, worried that he had done something to displease his older brother.
"It's alright," Brad assured him with a smile, at the same time closing the notebook he had been writing in. "It's just a little loud, that's all."
The worry visibly drained from his features as Kevin returned the smile with a wider one of his own.
"I's sorry, Brad. I turn it down now." Giving action to his words, he turned back to the television and, with one large hand, depressed the button to turn down the volume, not letting up until the display on the screen read ‘0.'
"Better ?"
The genuine desire to please his older brother - not out of fear, but out of love - was just as plainly evident in the set of his face as in the tone of his voice: the wide, uncertain eyes, the raised eyebrows, the half-open mouth as he anxiously awaited Brad's blessing...
"But now you can't hear it," Brad pointed out.
"Tha's okay. I don't have't hear it. I just watch."
"You can turn it up to ‘8' or ‘9,' Kev. That would be fine."
" ‘sure ?"
"Yeah, Kev, I'm sure. It won't bother me."
Just in time to catch Lisa spying on one of the politicians from her home-state taking a bribe, Kevin adjusted the volume until a ‘9' was showing on the screen; after listening for a second, he adjusted it down to an ‘8.'
"How's that ?" In his eagerness to please, the two words came out sounding like one.
"That's fine."
As Kevin situated himself so that he was once more fully facing the screen, Brad set the notebook down on the edge of his chair and stood up.
"How about an ice cream ?"
"Yeah !" Kevin exclaimed, nearly jumping to his feet in his excitement - "Sandwich !" - the television forgotten. "Ice Cream Sandwich !"
"I'll get them." Using one hand, he motioned his brother back down to the floor. "You sit down and watch your show."
"Okay !" came the reply from behind him as Brad headed for the kitchen.
First grabbing a handful of napkins from the holder on the counter, he retrieved the last two ice cream bars from the freezer before returning to the front room.
"Here," he said as he unwrapped one of the bars and handed both it and a napkin to Kevin. "Use the napkin, so it doesn't melt all over you like last time."
"‘kay, Brad."
Eagerly, the younger brother took the offered ice cream and immediately proceeded to shove it into his large mouth; the offered napkin he took in his free hand, holding it under his chin, almost touching.
Satisfied that Kevin was not going to let the slowly melting ice cream get all over the floor - and himself - Brad moved back towards his chair and his notebook.
Just as he was about to lower himself back into his chair, though, a loud knock on the front door of the apartment stopped him in mid-motion.
"I'll get it," he told Kevin with a wave of his hand, unintentionally getting a few drops of the melting ice cream on his shirt.
Wiping at the spots with his free hand, he made his way into the hallway and to the front door, but not fast enough to prevent a second knock.
Standing in the dim hallway, dressed in a pair of loose blue-jeans and an old, ratty T-shirt, was a petite, dirty-blonde of about twenty-seven, her flaxen hair tied back in a loose ponytail; her face was not what a lot of men would consider beautiful, yet none would call it ugly, and the majority would describe it as pretty.
"Staci," he greeted her with a nod of his head and a smile.
"Hi."
When he stepped back so that she could walk past him into the apartment, she shook her head, "Thanks, but I can't come in. I just wanted to drop this off for Kevin before I go to work."
As she spoke, she waved the video tape she held in her hand - still wrapped in its plastic covering - for emphasis.
"You didn't have to do..."
Kevin cut him off as he came running out into the hall, drawn by the sound of Staci's voice; he held the half-finished ice cream bar and the damp napkin in one hand, both forgotten in his excitement at seeing
"Staci !!"
"Hi Kevin. Here. I brought a present for you."
"A present ?" Accepting the tape she held out to him, he excitedly moved it close to his face so that he could try to read the title. Unable to comprehend the words - he did recognize the characters on the front - he cried out instead: "A Disney ! Thanks, Staci !!"
"Why don't you go put it in the VCR, Kev ?" Brad suggested, nonchalantly taking the dripping ice cream from his brother's other hand.
"‘kay !"
Tearing at the plastic wrapping with his large fingers, Kevin started back for the front room. Then, remembering Staci, he turned back to her. "You gonna stay and watch ?"
"I have to go to work..." she started to answer. Seeing the disappointment seep into Kevin's eyes, though, she quickly changed her mind. With a laugh to set him at his ease, she stepped into the apartment. "Oh, alright. It's not like I have to punch a clock..."
Taking one of her small hands in his own over-sized ones - paying no mind to the melted ice cream on his hand - Kevin headed back towards the front room, nearly dragging her in his wake; shutting the door, Brad followed the pair.
"You sit there !"
She had no choice, really, as Kevin all but pushed her down onto the couch.
"Don't mind if I do !" she laughed out loud while using a clean napkin Brad handed her to wipe away the ice cream from her hand.
Now that Staci was sitting down, she was forgotten by the younger brother as he moved over to the VCR, fumbling once more to remove the plastic wrapper from the video tape.
"Here," setting the two half-melted bars and the dirty napkins down on the glass coffee table, Brad took the cassette from Kevin, removed the wrapper and put the tape in the VCR; automatically, it started to play.
"Thanks, Brad !"
Dropping heavily to the floor in front of the screen, he leaned forward just enough to turn the volume back up - this time to ‘17' - before once more getting into his tv-watching position: knees pulled in close to his chest, held there by his crossed arms.
Rather than tell him to turn it down before the movie started - ‘17' was not all that loud, not really - Brad simply shook his head and smiled as he retrieved the ice cream and napkins from the coffee table and took them into the kitchen.
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot," Staci said when he returned; in his hands he carried a bundle of paper towels, with which he began to clean up the mess on the table. "I received a package from that University I was talking to you about: their calendar for next year, and some other stuff. They also said, where I've been out of school for almost ten years, they'd be willing to waive the usual academic prerequisites. Personally, I think it's the fact I'm willing to pay cash, which is good ‘cause, from what I hear, certain banks will end up screwing you if you take out a student loan..."
"That's great !"
Brad's exclamation caused Kevin to glance away from the television to see what was going on, "Wha's great, Brad ?"
"Staci's going to college next year."
"Tha's great !" Kevin nearly beamed with excitement for her. "Wha's college ?"
"It's like school, Kev. Except it's for adults."
At the mention of the word "school," Kevin lost all interest, only taking the time to give Staci a comically-sympathetic look before turning back to the cartoon on the television.
"It's not guaranteed yet," she cautioned Brad, "I've only got enough money at the moment for the first two years. If I don't start until after the New Year, I should have enough saved to carry me through the full three years."
"Then are you going to give up your...uh... job ?"
"Yeah, I think so..."
"You think so ?" Brad cut in before she could go on, "I thought that was your plan ? Leave all this behind, get an education and become a teacher."
"It was. I mean it is," she corrected herself defensively. "You think I want to do that for the rest of my life ? Not a chance ! But... the money... it's almost too good to give up... And the people I get to meet... They're not all..."
She trailed off meaningfully, averting her eyes from Brad's gaze; he knew to what she was referring.
"Staci..."
She quickly cut him off, once more bringing her eyes up to meet his.
"A lot of them - most of them - are really nice. They are ! They're just... lonely... Like me..."
The sound of the phone ringing filled the momentary silence which descended between them after her admission.
"We'll finish this later," he promised as he headed for the extension in the kitchen.
Dropping the soiled paper towels in the sink, he answered the phone on the third ring.
"Hello ?"
"Hi," the voice of the woman on the other end of the line spoke in soft tones. "Is this Brad Murphy ?"
"Yes it is," he answered hesitantly, expecting her to start in on the inevitable sales pitch.
"My name is Chris Timmons. I work with your brother, Kevin, at the Sutherland Centre."
"Hello, Ms Timmons." The relief at finding it was not a saleswoman was plainly evident in his voice. "What can I do for you ?"
"Actually, I was calling the guardians of all of our members to inform them - you - that we're throwing a party next week. Sort of a ‘Summer kick-off.'"
"Sounds like fun."
And it did - for Kevin.
"Oh, I'm sure it will be. All of our members are really looking forward to it. Especially your brother. He's taken the lead in making the decorations."
"That sounds like Kevin," Brad agreed with a chuckle.
"Yeah," Chris chuckled right back at him. "So, can I count on the two of you coming ? It's next Thursday night. From seven ‘til nine."
"Yeah," he answered after a hesitant moment. "We'll be there."
"Great ! After everything Kevin's said, I look forward to finally meeting you."
"Me too."
Ignoring - or failing to notice - the slight pause before he had answered, Chris went right on, "Until next Thursday, then."
"Okay, until Thursday."
"Good bye."
"Bye."
"Who was that ?" Staci asked as he returned to the front room; rather than answer, Brad simply held up one hand to signal for her to wait.
"Kev ? Is there something you wanted to tell me ?"
Turning his gaze - and his whole body - away from the television, Kevin looked up at his brother, a look of intense concentration on his face.
"Nooo..."
"You're sure ? About next Thursday night ?" the older brother prompted helpfully.
"I don' think so...."
"Something about a party..."
That did it.
Kevin was to his feet in an instant - a wide grin taking over his expression - as he began to jump around excitedly.
"Yeah ! Tha's right !! I forgot !"
"What's this ?" Staci asked either of them.
"There's a Party !!" Kevin answered before Brad had a chance. "At the Centre !! To welcome the Summer !"
"A party ? I can see why you're excited - I love parties, too !!"
"You wanna come ?? There's gonna be dancin' !!"
In an effort to demonstrate, the large youth began to shuffle his feet back and forth on the carpet - in time to music only he could here - while at the same time waving both arms in the air.
"Thanks, Kevin," Staci laughed, "but I'm not a very good dancer..."
"I teach you !"
Shuffling close to the couch, he reached for Staci's hands and lifted the laughing young woman to her feet. With Brad watching them, a smile on his face, Kevin guided her carefully around the coffee table.
"It's easy," he went on to explain, motioning for Staci to look at his feet. "You jus' move your legs and arms ! See ?"
"You're quite a dancer," surprisingly, the sincerity in her voice was genuine. "Who taught you how to move like that ?"
"I seen it on tv ! Now you try !!"
"Okay... like this ?"
Staci's face took on a humourous look of intense concentration as, with exaggerated movements, she began to shuffle her feet and wave her arms like Kevin; Brad had to cover his mouth with one hand to keep from laughing out loud at the way she looked.
"Yeah !"
For three, four, five minutes, the two continued to gyrate freely on the carpet in the middle of the front room to the sounds of unheard music, laughing loudly at the sparks which flew when they inadvertently made contact. Finally, pleading exhaustion, Staci retreated to the safety of the couch, where she collapsed heavily. Kevin, however, was not quite ready to stop; his feet still tapping out the silent beat, he turned to his brother.
"Now you, Brad ! You dance with me !"
"Not right now, Kev. Maybe later."
A glimmer of hope in his eyes, Kevin looked at Staci - maybe she was rested enough to get back up on the "dance floor" with him - but she answered his unasked question with a laugh and a shake of her head.
"You tired me out..."
"I think that's enough dancing for now, Kev," Brad interjected. "You don't want to wear yourself out before the party, do you ?"
Noticing the disappointment in his brother's expression - from the downward pout of his over-sized lips to the slump of his shoulders - Brad expertly changed the subject.
"I tell you what: why don't you go wash the ice cream from your hands and I'll rewind the movie. Then I'll make some popcorn and we can watch it from the beginning."
"With lotsa butter ?" The party was forgotten, overwhelmed by the more immediate promise of popcorn.
"Is there any other way to have it ?"
"No !" the younger brother agreed loudly as he started for the bathroom.
With Kevin temporarily gone, Brad made his way over to the television, where he turned the volume back down to ‘9' before hitting the stop and then rewind buttons on the VCR.
"You don't seem overly thrilled about the party," Staci observed as he started for the kitchen.
Avoiding eye-contact, Brad merely shrugged his shoulders in reply.
"Why not ?"
"You know me..." he tried to explain as he stopped in the archway. "I'm not good in situations like that..."
"Don't be foolish." Although there was a hint of admonition in her voice, there was also a touch of sympathy for his imagined awkwardness. "You don't give yourself enough credit."
Still not meeting her gaze, he simply shrugged again.
Anticipating the inevitable question - she knew him too well to think he wouldn't ask - she went on to give her answer: "And no, I won't go in your place."
At last bringing his gaze up to meet hers, he looked genuinely surprised at her reply to the question that had been on the tip of his tongue. "Did I ask ?"
"You didn't have to," she smiled knowingly. "I can read you like a book."
"What kind, a kids' book ?"
"Actually," she answered with a semi-serious expression, "I was thinking more along the lines of a comic book..."
"Too colourful... Are you sure ?" Although they had momentarily gotten off-topic, there was no doubt as to what he was referring.
"I'm sure. Besides, it'll be good for you to get out and socialize more. All you do now is work all day and then sit around here all night."
"We all go out together."
"Yeah, but that's different. Kevin's your brother and I'm your friend. You need to get out and meet other people.
"You can't hide from the world forever, Brad."
"And you think by forcing me to go to this party, everything will all-of-a-sudden change ? My life will be all roses and cream ? I know," he went on as he saw her about to protest his choice of words, "you're not forcing me to go - you know I'll go because Kevin wants to go. But that doesn't change the question."
"I can't answer that," she said honestly. "Either it will or it won't. But if you decided not to go - if I went in your place - than I can tell you for sure that nothing will change."
When he did not immediately reply, she flashed him a disarming smile as she added, good-naturedly: "Then again, I'm just a whore - do you really want to be taking advice from someone like me ?"
"You're not a whore." Brad firmly asserted. "Never that..."
"Popcorn ready ?"
The sound of Kevin's excited question broke off any further discussion of the matter. Standing just inside the front room - neither Brad nor Staci had seen him return - the younger Murphy brother was staring expectantly at his older sibling. The water from where he had washed his hands was dripping silently to the floor; evidently, he had forgotten to dry them before leaving the bathroom.
"I was just getting ready to..." Brad started to say, but when he saw that Kevin's hands were still wet, he cut himself off. "Go dry your hands, Kev. You're getting the carpet wet."
"What..." Confused, he slowly looked away from Brad and down at his hands. Seeing the water, his expression went from one of confusion to surprise, and then to one of apology. "I sorry..."
"It's okay, Kev," Brad called out reassuringly after his brother as the youth began to lumber back in the direction of the bathroom. "I forget all the time, too."
When he had vanished into the bathroom, Staci again rose to her feet.
"Well, I suppose I should be getting home..."
"You're sure you wouldn't rather take the night off and stay here with Kev and me ?"
"I would. You know I would." Her pale blue eyes revealed the truth of her statement. "But I can't. You know how it is..."
"Yeah," he agreed sympathetically. "I know."
Silently, the pair moved for the front door, stopping only long enough at the door to the bathroom for Staci to stick her head in and say good-bye to Kevin; she soothed his obvious disappointment at her early departure by promising him that she would be back tomorrow to watch the video with him.
Kevin was already perched in front of the television - he was watching the cartoon on the screen as he waited for the movie to start - when Brad returned from seeing Staci off.
"You can go ahead and start it, Kev," Brad told him as he passed through the room on his way to the kitchen. "The popcorn'll be ready in a few minutes."
The excited call for "lotsa butter !!" followed Brad into the kitchen, causing a genuine smile of love to appear on his face as he called back:
"Whatever you say, Kev !"
Then, more quietly - to himself: "Whatever you say..."

1. "These Chains," Marillion, Radiation, 1998