When I think of you
When I need you
I just close my eyes and
you're here
Right beside me when I'm lost
in shadows
Of the memories of you(1)
".... to thy safe keeping, Oh Lord, I deliver this young man, that he may bask in the eternal glory of Your tender heart, forever in the loving arms of God. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..."
Shutting out the droning monotone of the priest's words, Chris glanced up with tear-filled eyes from the plain coffin being lowered into the damp earth, her blurred vision looking from one to another of the pathetically few mourners: Brad's boss, three co-workers, the priest, herself, and, of course, Kevin, one of his large hands enveloping one of her own.
For the second time in a little less than a month, Kevin stood over the grave of a loved one, the dark blue suit barely covering his large frame as he silently watched the last of his family being swallowed by the wet earth. Oblivious to Chris' gaze, the gentle giant raised one hand to his face and unabashedly used it to wipe at his running nose, heedless of the fact that he ended up soiling more of his shirt sleeve than his hand.
At the sight of that, a slight smile appeared on Chris' lips - despite the solemnity of the occasion, or perhaps because of it, Kevin was as unmindful of the world at large as at any other time, carrying on in the same manner to which he was normally accustomed. That one small gesture, so natural and at the same time so repulsive, perfectly summed up Kevin.
The sound of the priest's silence drew her attention back to the coffin, now almost completely gone from sight as it continued its slow descent. While she watched, tears began to roll down her cheeks as she recalled the few short months she had known Brad, the times they had spent together almost as vivid as if they were truly happening once more; the way he had smiled at her, the sound of his voice, the feel of his arms wrapped comfortably around her...
The priest clearing his throat gently but authoritatively brought her back to the present, aware that all eyes - few though they were - were watching Kevin expectantly.
"Kev ? It's time."
Silently, he nodded, then he released her hand and took the two steps forward to stand at the edge of the grave.
At any other time, the sight of Kevin as he simply stood there, his arms straight at his side as he gazed intently down, would have been comical.
But not today.
Now his stance was truly sad - the sadness of someone who has experienced one misfortune after another, and has come to the conclusion that he was alone.
"Kevin ?"
His private contemplation broken, Kevin fell to his knees on the rain-dampened earth, his free hand slipping slightly on the muddy edge of the hole. For a moment it looked as if he were about to lose his balance, and fall headfirst into the grave, but at the last second he regained his equilibrium, if not his dignity. One of Brad's former workmates started to laugh at the sight - not at Kevin, but at the scene itself - and had to hastily turn away.
Kevin reached out with his other hand and paused briefly before letting go of the red rose he had been holding so tightly that its thorns had cut into his flesh, the blood as unnoticed as those around him as he watched the flower fall onto the top of Brad's coffin.
"'G-bye, Brad..."
"Wanna watch tv ?"
"Not right now, Kevin."
As Chris shook her head, she could not help noticing that Kevin looked the same as he had at the gravesite - full of immense sadness and terrible loneliness - and Chris found herself beginning to move forward to console him. But before she could take more than a single step he had turned away and was reaching for the television.
"In a little while, though. I promise. I... I have to do something, first."
Without turning back to look at her, Kevin simply nodded.
As the tears started once more, she quickly turned and walked from the room, wiping at the corner of her eyes as she made her way down the hall. Halfway down, she had to stop. Leaning against one wall, she covered her mouth with both hands in an effort to muffle the sounds of sobbing which threatened to burst from her lips, both cheeks moistened by her salty tears.
"Chris ?"
Brad ? No, it was Kevin...
"You 'kay ?"
"I'm fine !" she lied, hastily going on, "I'll join you in a couple of minutes! I just... have to get something ! "
Ashamed at her lie - she could not recall ever intentionally lying to Kevin or any of the others at the Centre - she forced herself to regain control.
"You stay there ! I'll be right back !"
Whether he had believed her lie or not, Kevin did not materialize at the end of the hall as she had feared he would.
Her tears under control once more, Chris pushed herself away from the wall and continued to make her way down the hall, not stopping until she at last stood in front of Brad's room. Without hesitating - if she took the time to think about where she was, she had no doubt she would begin to cry again - she opened the door and stepped into the room beyond.
Everything was exactly as it had been when last she had been there, only three days earlier, just after Kevin had called with the news....
The bed was still perfectly made, with its usual, almost military, precision; the bookcase contained the same books, all in the same places; the same pictures rested on the desk and on top of the bureau; Brad's jacket still hung over the back of the chair... everything was exactly as it had been. And everything would remain that way unless somebody changed it. Someone other than Brad....
"No !" she muttered fiercely to herself. "I will not cry again !"
She succeeded in maintaining her composure, but only by closing her eyes and trying to think of other things: her work, the weather, the book she was reading, the last movie she had seen.... Only when she was once more in control did she permit herself to open her eyes and look around the room.
This time, however, she did see something different - or at least something she had not noticed before: under one of the pillows on the bed, just its corner visible, was Brad's notebook, it's dark leather cover blending with the dark burgundy of the bedcover, explaining how she had missed noticing it before.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she retrieved the book from where it rested, pausing only for the briefest of seconds before opening it.
She had read it before, of course. Brad had shown it to her one night about a month ago, while they had been laying in bed. He had been embarrassed, of course - Brad had always been embarrassed whenever he revealed any of his secrets to her; not because there was anything to be ashamed of, but, rather, as he had confessed that same night, simply because he was afraid someone would laugh at what they heard or saw - but he had allowed her to read the entire thing, even his entry for the night they had first met...
Quickly turning the pages, she found that he had only made a few minor entries since that time - reminisces of moments written out in his tiny, but neat, handwriting. In fact, from the time she had read it a month earlier, there had been added less than a single page. Until the final entry, made the night he had...
Kevin seems to be adjusting fairly well. It's been close to a month now since... since the funeral, and I think he's finally beginning to snap out of his pain. Not that I don't think he doesn't still remember Staci - I can still hear him in his room some nights crying himself to sleep - it's just that he seems to be trying to place it all in its proper perspective.
This is the first time that he's ever really had to deal with the death of someone close - he was too young, obviously, when Mom died, and as for Dad... I don't think there were too many people who really mourned his passing. Not after what... not after...
Anyway, Chris has been a great help, to both of us. If not for her, I think Kevin would still be having a hard time coming to terms with Staci's death.
No. Not just Kevin. Me, too.
She's done a wonderful job helping the two of us keep our minds on other things when necessary, or providing comfort when nothing else would help. If not for Chris, I don't know how either of us would have been able to successfully come to grips with Staci's loss.
I don't know what it is about Chris... since we first met - I know it's a cliche, but it seems like only yesterday we danced outside the Centre to the sounds of Journey; the touch of her skin on mine, the smell of her hair in my nostrils, the sway of her body as it moved gently in time to my own - my whole life has changed. She's made me see just how empty it was before. Now, everything has taken on a new meaning. All I have to do is close my eyes and everything's so... not clear... just... right.
Thinking of her, I realize just how lucky that I'm not like other people. Which isn't to say that no one else feels the same way about anyone else, it's more like... Damn !!! I know what I mean, but I can't quite put it into words...
You see people wherever you go - on a bus, walking, waiting in line at the grocery store - and two people could be standing right beside each other. Yet, neither one talks. They just sit or stand or whatever without talking or even making eye contact. They all look so lonely - or pissed off at the world - that it just about makes me want to scream at them.
I'm not the happiest guy in the world - far from it. I've got my share of problems. And I realize that others must think the same thing about me that I think about them. And that used to scare the living shit out of me:
"What would it be like without Kevin ? Would I be more like them ?"
But not anymore.
Now I've got Kevin and Chris.
Never before has my life felt as complete as it does at this moment.
And yet...
I know that Chris and Kevin get along great - anyone can tell that just by seeing the two of them together - but could they... I mean, would they want... what about spending the rest of their lives together ?
(damn, just writing that down - putting the thoughts on paper for all time - I think that's the first time that I realized just how much I've come to love Chris. I think I surprised Kevin as much as I surprised myself, judging from the way he looked in my direction when I nearly dropped this book !!)
Yes, I love Chris more than I've ever loved any other person, with the possible exception of Kevin.
Possible ?
No, that's not quite right. Kevin's my brother, the one person that has kept me sane in the face of all the adversities life has tossed in my direction. He is the one that has forced me to curb my baser instincts when I've felt like lashing out at the world, forcing me to swallow my anger and fury at the stupidity raging around me. The one who has given my life a purpose... No matter how much I love Chris, that love will never be as strong or as lasting as what I feel for Kevin.
And still, when I am with her, or when images of her fill my every thought, at that time Kevin is almost forgotten - delegated to a far corner of my mind...
To see her glide through life is like watching perfection in motion; to hear her talk is to hear love's voice. Each time I look on her I see God's ultimate creation - the perfect combination of beauty, goodness and love - and I realize that only when we're together is my life truly complete.
And then I think to myself: what do I have which she could ever need ? All I can offer is the promise to be here when she needs a friend, to hold her in my arms and keep her warm when she's cold, to make her laugh when she feels like crying, and to love her forever with all of my heart...
I am hers for the asking: heart, body and soul....
God !!! I'm so damn confused !! On the one hand I love Kevin more than life itself - I would do anything, everything, for him !! And yet... and yet the way I feel about Chris is almost more than I can bear !! With her, every moment is a Forever Moment; without her...
I think that without Chris I'd be just like all those others: a victim of the empty silence.
I'm rambling...
Or, rather, procrastinating. I know what I have to do - what I want to do, with all my heart - and I'm just putting it off.
I only hope she will accept the both of us...
Placing the book down on the edge of the bed beside her, Chris closed her eyes to fight away the tears, the back of one hand going instinctively to cover her mouth as the realization of the last words struck her with all of their force.
For a few seconds it worked.
Then they started...
"Chris ? You 'kay ?"
The sound of Kevin's voice - questioning yet at the same time full of concern - broke Chris from her revere, forcing her to fight back the tears which had been flowing freely for she knew not how long. Without thinking, one hand reached out to where the notebook rested on the edge of the bed, the feel of the leather cover - a tangible reminder of Brad - giving her the strength to look up and meet Kevin's eyes.
"Yes, Kevin. I'm..."
He's got Brad's eyes...
That realization for a moment startled her. After all, she had known Kevin for close to seven months, now. Surely she must have noticed the similarity previously. The way his eyes would look at you and make you feel a kind of warmth all over, apart from the mere warmth the presence of their possessor provided. Even the shade - dark brown, nearly black - was the same...
Quickly turning her head to break the contact of his eyes with hers, Chris instead found herself staring at the more subtle reminders of Brad which were scattered around his bedroom: the bookcase stacked to overflowing with well-read novels and non-fiction history books on the Middle Ages, the Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon poster above the bed, the desk with its pictures of the brothers, the picture of her...
This time she could do nothing to stop the tears, their salty moisture flowing freely down her cheeks and onto her lips.
"It's 'kay," Kevin's voice somehow managed to reach her through the sound of her sobs, "I miss him, too."
Then he was sitting on the bed beside her, his arms reaching awkwardly, almost tenderly - almost lovingly - around her slightly heaving shoulders, one over-large hand lightly patting her as he had seen her do for Brad shortly after discovering that Staci had been murdered. For a moment she stiffened in his awkward embrace, the touch of someone other than Brad causing her to flinch unconsciously.
"He's in the good place..."
Then everything was alright...
"Kev ?"
The last light of the fading sun was streaming through the opened curtains of the living room when next Chris spoke, almost two hours after the scene in Brad's bedroom. Even now, Kevin sat hunched in front of the television, as usual, his large eyes fixed on the dull colours of the cartoon playing out before him. And, again, as usual, he did not turn at the first sound of his name being called.
"Kevin ? Why don't you turn the tv off for a few minutes and come sit here on the couch with me ?"
" 'Kay."
Slowly, the giant of a youth rose from his hunched position, reached out and turned off the television - leaving the VCR on - and moved over to the couch, where he lowered his large frame down on one of the cushion beside Chris. Looking into his questioning eyes, she almost lost control again, but quickly fought back the tears with a firm resolve. She had to do this now - it could not wait.
But first, she was curious to know what he had meant earlier.
"Do you remember a little while ago ? When you said Brad was in the 'good place ?'"
He had to think for a moment - the lines of his forehead drawn into a tight line of wrinkles - before finally smiling in triumph, and nodding.
"Yeah ! I remember !"
"I was wondering: what did you mean ?"
"Mean ?"
"About the 'good place.' What is that ?"
"Jus' somethin' Brad told me 'bout. It's where you go when you leave here."
"When you leave here ?"
"Yeah. That's where Mom and Staci and Brad all are. Sittin' in the garden by the stream, waiting for me and you to join them in the sun."
"You mean Heaven ?"
"Yeah - the good place."
Her curiosity satisfied - she had been sure that was what he had meant, but had wanted to find out what it meant to him - she smiled comfortingly up at Kevin.
"Did you know that Brad and I were going to get married ?" she spoke softly at long last.
"Really ? That's good !" For one brief moment his whole face lit with his smile of pleasure at the news. But then, as quickly as Chris' tears had started earlier, the smile was gone, replaced by the same sadness he had displayed at the graveyard.
Almost, Chris began to reach for him, to comfort him as he had comforted her. But instead she held back, forcing herself to allow him to come to terms with Brad's death on his own.
"He's really gone, ain't he ?"
She was surprised. She had expected him to cry when he came to the realization that Brad was truly gone; expected to see his oversized figure overcome by a long fit of quivering and the tears flowing freely down his ruddy cheeks. But it did not happen. Instead, he had simply turned to her and asked in a calm voice for her confirmation.
"Yes, Kev, I'm afraid he is. But only from our physical lives. Brad will never be utterly gone from our lives if we don't want him to be. He will always be there with us whenever we close our eyes and think of him. Or when we share our memories of him with someone."
"But with who ?"
"With who ? Why, with me, that's who. You and I both love Brad, and between the two of us we have to keep his memory alive. And the best way to do that, I think, would be for the two of us to live together. Here. Where our memories of Brad are the strongest and the freshest. So that we will always be close to him and to each other, so that we can take comfort in our mutual love of your brother. Of... of my... my husband..."
Too late, the words were out. While yet in her thoughts only, they were simply words - "my husband" - a dream to be cherished and held tight, but never realized. But now... Though there would never be a ceremony, they were, for all time, truly husband and wife. This time, the tears were not just tears of sorrow, but tears of happiness.
"Chris ? Do you mean that ? We'll live together ?"
"It's... it's your decision, Kevin." Her tissues long since gone, she used the back of one hand to wipe at her nose and the tears on her cheeks. "You have to decide if you want me to stay here with you; I can't make that choice for you. But Kevin, I... I hope that you do. I'd really like that."
Without hesitation - and almost without transition - the sadness that had previously been so evident in his eyes and in the set of his lips vanished, leaving in its place the large, open smile Chris had come to know and care for since first meeting him. And, also, it was once more in his voice as he gave his answer:
"Yeah, I'd like that, too."
