A once long-time companion of sailors, explorers, adventurers, men and women, young and old alike, the Large Wooden Badger has played a part in the life of mankind since Biblical days.

• Genesis 6:4

  There were giants in the earth those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men...

• Numbers 13:33

  And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.

It is believed by many Biblical scholars that the excess number (that is, greater than the required two of every kind) of Large Wooden Badgers that were unable to seek passage upon Noah's ark were actually used to help build the ark. At the time there were no known Large Wooden Gophers on the earth so how could the ark have been made of gopherwood? More than likely the ark was made from badgerwood, from the Large Wooden Badger.

While pharaohs came and went in Egypt, so did many of the statues, obelisks, and monuments for each particular pharaoh. When someone new came into power the old artifacts were recarved to display the face of that new ruler. The same has been found true of monuments to animals. The well known Sphinx of Giza is one such example. Originally, this masterpiece was, in fact, a monument to the Large Wooden Badger. Years later the head was replaced with a human head followed by reshaping the body into that of a lion. The way scholars know it was originally a Large Wooden Badger came with the discovery, in the early 1950s, of an entrance underneath the Sphinx. Buried in the sand was a trapdoor leading into the monument's interior. Therein, many long wooden benches were found with seatbelts to hold and protect the soldiers during their perilous rides. Much to the scientist's confusion, instructions were posted on the inner walls both in English and French.

Today the wild Large Wooden Badger is all but extinct. Sightings of this disgusting yet magnificent creature are even less often than that of Bigfoot or the interest on your checking account. While the domesticated Large Wooden Badger is found in much greater abundance than that of its undomesticated brother, you probably won't see them anytime soon selling oranges at a freeway onramp.