It ain't just Palm Piloting

Aaaah, spring is in the air, and pheromones compete with eau de desperation as the hot new fragrance. Of course, that means sex is on the forefront of everyone's minds. The layers come off, everybody runs to the waxer, and soon, mating season is in full swing.

Which leads us to PDAs: Public Displays of Affection or Personally Disgusting Assgrabs?

I guess it's all relative. When you're foolin' around and giddy, you don't really think about maintaining appearances when there's a giant tractor beam on your tush. When you're everyone else, it gets to be a major annoyance because A) somehow, it's invasive, like white noise and B) it reminds you of all the sex you're NOT getting at that moment.

Travelling thru Europe, I noticed the importance of context. In England, I noticed the ones making out on the escalator were usually stinkin' drunk and seemed just a little bit pathetic. In the Mediterranean, everybody wore their genitals on the outside (so to speak) and were more open and aggressive. Schoolboys were making dirty jokes, couples were pashing everywhere and women were just as up front with their dismissals and demands. The Anglo-American contingency of tourists pooh-poohed the coarseness of conduct, but I found it mightily refreshing. That is, until strange men were following me all across the campo because I made the mistake of making eye contact. It's all relative...

Back in the States, with hookups and coupling everywhere, it's time to set some rules (this coming from the rule-breaker).

1. Look both ways before the pink parts come out.

2. Tongue is not OK during birthday parties. Especially your nephew's.

3. Affection is naturally displayed by quick greetings, eye contact and hand-holding, the way you stand and sit together. Anything beyond that is foreplay and best left without an audience (unless you're doing the group thing).

4. If you're in a crowded area and just can't wait, make a game of it and try not to get caught (footsy under the table is an old standby).

5. If it absolutely can't wait, you can't think because all the blood's left your brain, find the nearest alleyway/restroom/broom closet and make sure no one else is hiding there. Then find cover or LOCK THE DOOR. I can't emphasize this enough.

That's the end of my spiel. Now go forth and avoid winding up pay-per-view on the Internet.