Why..?	Becuase, for one thing, it's fun to say "crocodile," or, better yet, "Croco--dile," and for another thing, they are sneaky and scary-looking.
Basic Info:	Anywhere from 9 to 18 feet long, typically, crocodiles are large carnivores that hides in rivers and stealthily sieze and kill large prey with their long, skinny mouths. The are, also, by the way, reptiles, and among the oldest species on earth.
If attacked...	Well, first get out of the water, because if you're being eaten by a croc, you're probably in water. If not, run... but it will catch you if it wants to, since these things run faster than horses (over short distances). Climb the nearest tree. If caught, hold your breath. They'll probably spend some time trying to drown you before they resort to snapping your spine with their powerful jaws.
Where can I get one?	BAD idea... very bad. I guess you could rob a local zoo, but to succeed in sneaking in and then back out again with a live crocodile while avoiding being eaten... well, that's probably beyond anyone who does not routinely scream "TIGER SNAKE" while wrestling monster-sized crocs on Discovery Channel. So, don't do it. Buy a dog. Be sensible!
Do they make good pets?	I imagine they are good pets for people who don't want to live long, who want their legs chewed off, who are screaming "TIGER SNAKE" on Discovery Channel, or anyone who thinks the North American Grizzly Bear is harmless and cute. Also, I recommend these animals to anyone who wants to impress someone who has been attacked by a shark.
Are they good with children?	This depends on your point of view. In most cases, the crocodile would think that YOU are good with children, particularly if there is a side order of wildebeest nearby... but, honestly, if you don't like your children, or anyone else's, the crocodile is the perfect thing for you. If you love your kids, try something slightly less fierce. Like a badger, for instance...

for more info, go to The Crocodile Hunter where you can read
about Mr. TIGER SNAKE himself!

,

Why..?	Elephants are simply the best animals on earth. I cannot begin to describe how wonderful they are other than to say they are gentle, intelligent, and remarkable creatures. Their trunks - complete with "fingers" for manipulating things - ensure that, combined with their great intelligence, they will evolve into something amazing, if they survive poachers.
Basic Info:	Elephants are huge, very heavy, four-legged mammals. They have long, prehensile noses, called trunks, and they are the only four-legged animal on earth that has four knees which point the same way. That last one is not particularly useful, but I'm sure the elephants are proud of it. They are grey in colour, they love water and eating, and they are extremely protective of their young. Males are thrown out of the herd around the age of 15 or 16 (elephants live about as long as humans do), and wander around thereafter, except when it's time to mate with a female. Elephants are matriarchial. They're great intelligence is evident in most of their beahviour. They are also the only animals other than humans which are known to mourn their own dead .
If attacked...	If you are attacked by an elephant, I have no sympathy for you at all. The elephant was certainly fully justified in attacking you, and it most likely maimed you badly enough that, in the future, you'll leave them alone, as you should, and go pester some other kind of animal instead, like crocodiles. Elephants fight using their trunks and tusks, and are quite deadly unless they are being shot by a poacher armed with a shoulder-cannon. Elephants have no natural enemies aside from the above-mentioned poachers. Instead of worrying about what to do if you are attacked by an elephant, worry about what to do if you see a poacher attacking an elephant... in which case, I recommend breaking the son-of-a-bitch's legs and leaving him someplace where the mommy elephant can get to him.
Where can I get one?	Firstly, you don't need one. Secondly, they do best in the wild, and would not be happy about being taken to live in someone's garage. You can view what are essentially domesticated elephants of both African and Indian variety at your local zoo. Be nice.
What's so amazing about elephants?	Well, they are very intelligent. They figure things out. They raise their young exactly the same way humans do, and a young elephant with no one to teach it will turn out just as poorly as a young human child that has no adult to raise it. They are gentle, caring creatures, usually very friendly unless provoked. While wild elephants are unlikely to approach and mingle with humans, they are slow to attack unless they feel their young are threatened. Part of weighing several tons is that you tend not to feel terribly threatened by most things. Their social structure is a matriarchy, with an older female who leads the herd, and her sisters with her. Males and females are raised by their mothers with the help of various aunts and other relatives. The males are forced out when they hit adolescence and become unruly. They are leisurely, fun-loving animals, who enjoy playing in water, watching their children play, and eating... they eat often and in huge quantities. They are incredibly destructive due to their vast eating habits. Elephants also play in mud and will cover themselves in it for relief from the various insects which like to bite them. They can be stubborn, and attempts to get wild elephants to do what you want them to usually fail. It is almost impossible to fence areas off from them, or to restrict their movements. It is possible to train them (the mahouts of India and Thailand are experts at this), but unless you possess the expertise, it is more likely that the elephant will train you.
Do they make good pets?	No. Don't think about it. You'd never afford the food, let alone the landscaping.
Are they good with children?	Extremely good. No elephant will ever hurt a small child. They are more likely to look after a child, protect it, or save it from harm. They have a tenderness and compassion towards young. Also, they do not step on things that they could hurt. They know exactly where their feet are at all times and, unless they are attacking, would never inadvertantly step on a small child.

Why..?	Beavers are really funny critters. If you find some in your back yard, next morning, when you wake up, you'll find all the trees cut down, a dam through the local stream, and your back yard flooded! They are amazingly quick workers, and, although their behaviours are pretty well known, stop and think about it for a moment... these animals are more efficient dam-builders than we are!
Basic Info:	Beavers are large rodents, with chubby, beady-eyed faces, huge buck teeth, cute little paws, and big, flat tails. They have webbed feet and are kind of roly-poly chubby little guys. They are accomplished woods-critters, able to completely transform a section of land in a very short time. Also, they are wonderful swimmers and prefer water to land most of the time.
If attacked...	...then you're probably either a tree or some other form of plant life. The rumours that these creatures can travel at exceedingly high speeds through the atmosphere at very low altitudes, thusly smashing into things as they zoom about, are strictly un-true. There is no such thing as a low-flying beaver, although I would be willing to bet that they sometimes fall short distances, which might be construed as "flying" by some who define the term loosely. Anyhow, if you're attacked by beavers, I think you'e pretty much going to be chewed to pieces, since they travel in packs and have very large chompers. I imagine (though I am not sure) that an entire colony of beavers who suddenly became rabid might possibly be one of the most destructive forces in all of nature.
Where can I get one?	Well, I'm not sure, although they are currently roaming the wetlands of America in large groups. I think the trick here is not "where" but what to do with the blasted things once you've got a hold of them. In fact, I have a very good idea what to do with them, which I will explain below....
Do they make good pets?	I don't think so, unless you have a forest area you want to convert into a lake. The best thing to do with beavers, once you have a bunch of them, is to find someone you really hate, who lives in a wooded area near a stream (yes, I know this really cuts down on your options... if you hate them ebough, it's worth it to actually buy a nice wooded lot near a stream for them...), and release your beavers onto their property one night. Within a matter of hours, you'll find that your victim no longer has a nice house in the woods, but instead has a washed-out house with a desperate flooding problem located in the middle of what appears to be a strip-mining facility. The beavers will pretty much wipe out everything and build their lake regardless. Just be sure you don't live next door to your targets, else you might be flooded too.
Are they good with children?	How in heaven's name am I supposed to know that? Look, anyone who has spent a lot of time with beavers and children, let me know, and I'll put your findings in here. I imagine beavers don't like kids much. I don't like kids much, for that matter. So.

Why..?	Mostly because they were in those really cool ads some years ago, where a koala bear would appear on top of a parked jet airliner saying "I hate Quatas" in this miserable little voice. Also, because they are cute but dangerous, and because they live in Australia, which has all of the worlds most interesting animals, with the exception, of course, of elephants,lemurs and a few others.
Basic info:	I don;t know much about koala bears, really, except that they hate Quantas. Maybe someone could help me out with this- if so, e-mail me... but I do know that koalas live in Eucalyptis trees, where they munch the leaves of this tree, raise their young, and lie in wait for passing humans, who they typically (and without warning) pelt with Eucalyptis nuts. Seventeen deaths a year are ascribed to koala-peltings. They are very dangerous animals when cornered - which is bad, since you have them cornered pretty much the moment you encounter one. Koala bears often become roaring drunk on the Eucalyptis sap, which, I have only now been informed, is incredibly intoxicating. When in this state, their accuracy with the Eucalyptis-nuts dramatically falls off and they tend to fall out of their trees onto anyone below. They are no less dangerous, however, since when they are earth bound, they are unable to reach the delicious Eucalyptis leaves, and they become unbelievably cranky. While not normally seen as swift creatures, a ravenous drunk cranky earth-bounded koala bear can move with great speed for short distances - they have been clocked at over 70 mph over short distances chasing and catching over-zealous American tourists! Finally, koalas are huge fans of Australian Rules Football, especially the Western teams. They will do almost anything to get a chance to see a match, particularly the great Western Derby (in which 47 players were maimed this year, and an additional 8 killed). Koalas are fancied to be the best Aussie Rules Footballers in all the world, but they have proved difficult to recruit due to the findamental lack of Eucalyptis trees on the typical football pitch. Several koalas have been caught on film storming local department stores to purchase televisions and satillite dishes. I will put more info in here - and accurate info, too - when I learn more. Meantime, just remember: hates Quantas, will pelt you.
If attacked...	No one has ever survived an attack by a koala... usually, after they pelt you senseless with Eucalyptis nuts, they drop from the branches of their tree with their awful fangs bared, screaming at the top of their lungs. They grab the face of their victim and basically tear him or her to bits. The only known method for avoiding a koala attack is to stay at home, inside, under the bed (with the lights off, of course) at ALL times. If you are attacked, scream "TIGER SNAKE" and fall to the ground. Sometimes, this tricks the koala into thinking it is about to be on TV. Koalas hate being on tv, so this might buy you enough time to get away.
Where can I get one?	In Australia, in any conveniently located Eucalyptis tree. Watch out for nuts.
Do they make good pets?	Only if you are in the cough drop industry and need to have your trees guarded... (or is that some other kind of -alyptis?)

Why..?

These remarkable animals fill a vital niche in society. Without eels, the value of the average hovercraft would be extremely questionable. Eels are wriggly. They come in many colours and flavours. Finally, "eel" is a terific word, not quite as great as "fork," "fuckwit," or "nifty," but pretty cool nonetheless.

Basic info:

Eels are fish, mostly. They are long and skinny and look like snakes. Some of them bite things. They look scary if you are afraid of snakes, but they are pretty harmless mostly. Eels inhabit every ocean on earth, and many lakes as well. Also, if you try fishing in the Back Bay, you are as likely to catch a couple of wrung-out looking green eels as anything else. Most importantly, eels LOVE alternative music, particularly Nine Inch Nails and 311. Eels can often be found hanging around used hovercraft stores, hitting on waitresses, or hanging out with sheep at interminable "Blade Runner" viewing parties. Eels come in many varieties: moray eels, which love to be hand fed; electric eels, which can be used to power your hovercraft or as a particularly "edgy" item of jewelry for those who don't mind pain (if this is you, be sure to read all about crocodiles, above); there a green eels, which are green; there are northern ocean-going sneezing eels, which live in the North Sea and are notorious for their unexpected attacks on ships and boats - these eels are identifiable not only by their characteristic sneezing, but also because they tend to all wear identical leather jackets. There are many other kinds of eels, including flying eels, screaming eels (as seen in "The Princess Bride"), crack eels, squid eels, eel eels, leaping eels, atomic eels, the rare east pennsylvannia knitting eel, sheep eels, double eels, inky eels, and pot-smoking smiling eels. I haven't the time right now to go into all the differences in these various kinds of eels, but most of them are harmless and will even, on occasion, loan you money, if you can prove that you're not Mel Torme.

Profiles on:

lemurs
llamas
wolves

...coming up soon. Possibly others, as well. E-mail me if I missed any cool animals, or if you disagree with my choices!

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