The Nimon Page

Nimons!


Now you can have your site Nimon Approved! An opportunity of no value whatsoever, but not to be missed! Go to the bottom of the page and apply now for your Nimon Seal of Approval!

YES! It has finally happened. I have found a picture of an actual, real-live nimon! Not only that, the photograph appears to show the nimon actually actuating a lever! Yes! Amazing. The nimon, by the way, is the one on the left. The guy on the right is the Doctor.
Nimons are horrible creatures which roam the galazy, going from planet to planet, sucking the resources out of each, and then moving along to another. They are truly awful. They like to trick gullible people (often named "Soldeed," or "Sizum") into giving them the run of the planet by sending one of their number ahead to the next target planet, where this one nimon pretends to be "the last of a dead race." Naturally, the dummies believe this sob story even though the nimon itself resembles nothing more than an extremely large, horribly burnt, two-legged slug.
Normally, the nimon sent thusly ahead will build lots and lots of extremely complicated-looking equipment while making the most outrageous promises to the locals, until, finally, the nimon has created a device which, having enough big levers for dramatic actuating, is suitable for its insidious purpose. Without further ado, the promises stop, the levers are thrown (or actuated, if you prefer) and more nimons arrive - two at a time, in little capsules. This often has the effect of freaking out whoever they have been lying to, with the phrase "THREEEEEEEE, I HAVE SEEN THREEEEEEE!!" commonly applied by the locals as a method of describing their unease at seeing more nimons then they are accustomed to (i.e. more than one).
At any rate, nimons are really neat even though the costumes they use to depict them are probably the worst costumes in the history of television. In fact, the actors portraying the nimons are not scary at all, even though everyone on the show acts terrified of them. What they seem, in lieu of frightening, is deeply off-balance and worried about losing their costumes at any moment.

The Jackalope's Guide to Dealing With Nimons

  1. Don't let him use the title "The Nimon." Call him Dave or something like that
  2. Don't believe the promises, whatever they are. Ask yourself how something that looks like it was coughed up by a lobster is supposed to fulfill all of these wonderous promises
  3. Don't let your nimon (Dave) have any levers. Nimons love levers and will do anything to get their paws on them. Nimons can do truly frightening things with any device that has a lever or levers, provided their costumes do not fall off
  4. If your name is Soldeed, when you meet a nimon, change your name to something else right away. Like "Matador," for instance
  5. Your nimon will attempt to construct something called "The Complex." You can allow this, just to keep the nimon quiet, but be sure to follow the "no levers" rule above, and, if the complex suddenly develops a case of moving walls, it is time to spank the nimon and put it outside. Nimons love complexes with moving walls, and enjoy confusing the gullible smeg-brains with which they are normally surrounded by causing the walls to move around without any warning. Also, always be sure that when complex constructing time rolls around, YOU hire the contractor. DO NOT entrust this task to your nimon; he cannot be trusted to do this.
  6. Once your nimon has a suitable complex, if you want to further retard its attempts to take over your planet, insist on keeping your dog in the complex with the nimon. Especially if its a bulldog.
  7. Sneak into the complex late at night (you ought to be able to make your way around it, since, having hired the contractors yourself, YOU have the plans of it) and make a lot of heavy grunting and grinding noises. This is what the nimon, itself, spends most of its time doing in there, and making it think that another nimon has suddenly arrived (WITHOUT any levers having been thrown or actuated, etc.) will unnerve it enough to cause it, possibly, to begin asking for a gravitic anomolyser.
  8. Once you have tricked your nimon into demanding a gravitic anomolyser, you have him utterly cornered. Whenever he demands one, simply give him the item of your choice - not being from your planet, he won't know the difference! Give him a lit stick of dynomite, a live rattlesnake, whatever. He'll never know it's not a gravitic anomolyser.
  9. If at any time you actually see more than one nimon, CALL THE EXTERMINATOR! This means that your nimon has somehow managed to jury rig a lever or levers of some kind and has sucked one or more of his comrades across space and time with a massive energy beam which could easily be mistaken for a black hole. This is bad enough, but, should you see a second or third nimon, also be wary of a sudden spike in your power bill. It takes a lot of energy to suck capsules through the space time continuim.
  10. Finally, don't put up with your nimon accusing you of being idle or of trying to alter bargains. Let him know you're the boss. Smack him around now and then. (also, since he will want to eat your neighbors, please keep your nimon on a leash at all times, unless you have him locked in the complex with your dog)

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