things are spinning in me head. it's rather entertaining. the really fun thing about being cyclothymic is you never know what's real and what's in your head.... which leads me to - is there really a difference? anyone who has read over these pages in the past probably has picked up on my obsession with perception, subjectivity, and reality. i keep coming back to it - i just canna see it any other way, really - reality comes from the inside out, not the other way round. it's a tough view to really convince a lot of people of, though, because we have these little objective facts that are pretty sticky - gravity, air.... things like that.... which of course seem indeed to be coming from the outside in, imposing their reality on us, rather than the other way round. those things aren't particularly important, though - i mean, the laws of physics - we're kind of stuck with it - so instead of spending my time trying to figure out if that stuff is REALLY going on or if all of us humans just conveniently choose, collectively, to make it so, i'll choose to do something amazingly clever - ignore it. the rest of it is flexible, subjective, changable, and quite impossible i think for anyone who's not dead to get a complete grip on.
just why exactly am i going on like this today-? um. mostly because i have been in a flurry of updating and changing my pages around a bit and i feel like adding something less silly, daft, pointless, or poetic, and writing something a little more.... purposeful. and - here's the joke, folks - THIS IS IT! har har har.
see, there are some of us who have a hell of a time seeing things the way everyone else describes them. have you ever seen one of van gogh's paintings? one of his later ones? the interesting thing about van gogh is that these paintings - very bold and bright, filled with huge swaths of dabbed on paint - these painting were widely panned when he did them. didna look like anything in particular to the folks looking at them. but - here's the thing about van gogh - he really saw the world that way - all bright and fiery, light and dark, exploding with colour - so he painted that way. and people looked at the paintings, and, not seeing the world that way, they said, "who is this nitwit, and what does he want?" leaving poor old vincent scratching his head and wondering how in heaven's name to explain this. of course, his paintings DID explain it. poof - there it is, where everyone can see it - vincent saying, "welcome to my world, folks? isn't it bright and beautiful and bold!"
which brings me to something else. art. i think that's what it's for. the artist (poet, writer, film director, soccer player, dancer - any inspirational genius, really) takes the world, wraps it in her or his perspective, and then puts it some place where everyone else can see it. this, folks, is human interaction at its most basic. we're all so alone, in the end... even when we're together, even when we're in love or attending a party filled with close friends.... even then, it is so difficult to TOUCH anyone, or to feel them.... and then here comes that genius artist, and there it is, a direct connection between how that artist sees/feels/senses things, and how you do. they are the same things, but here's someone showing you - really showing you - how those things look to them. a feat of near impossibility. something so beautiful in conception, this connection... the most human of talents.... this is why i will always admire artists of all kinds more than other sorts of people. artists have power. and no matter who the artist happens to be, or what medium they're working in, or exactly what sort of work they've done, anytime someone experiences that work, that unique event is happening and one person's feelings and perspective are melting into another person's. and we're left with a third thing, bigger than either the artist or the person experiencing the art - we're left with this high human experience.
so, pay attention. don't just look or listen or read. feel. experience. here we are, being human, and hopeful. life is everywhere. one needs only open ones eyes, heart, mind.