Yesterday this guy I know said the funniest thing - " Your parents must be real freaked by you and all the stuff you do", and that just made me laugh sooo much. People always think I'm "rebelling" or whatever by dying my hair or getting a tattoo etc etc, but heh, that has got nothing to do with anything. I do them things because it's FUN and I wanna..capisce? I will say this though, if it's fun to shock anyone at all in my family, it's my brother. He's SO conservative and disapproving it's funny.

It took him over a MONTH to discover my tattoo, and he did it while seeing it oen day and going ' go wipe that drawing off yer leg'..and I laughed and went 'um, I think there might be a slight problem with that..' and he goes 'why?' ' coz it's kind'a stuck where it is?'..'YOU GOT A TATTOO?I will not believe that is a tattoo, it looks like a drawing!' 'um..well YOU try and wipe it off then..'
Then he immediately goes 'has mom seen it?what'she say?' and I told him that at first she was a bit shocked but she thought it was real cool as long as I liked it. He of course didn't believe that, so Mom told me later that he'd come to her and yelled and huffed about it and couldn't believe she didn't care. Heh.

Now yesterday, he *finally* noticed my hair. I've had it like this for DAYS but he didn't notice until yesterday. He like, stopped and STARRED and went "Your HAIR is half black half RED! I cna't believe it!How the HELL could you DO that? Yer so fucking weird!" And then he as always went to mom, coz that's his response, he's 30 but still wanna tell on me to mom. Baby. Anyways..so he did, and I went downstairs to see what she had to say, and she saw it and went "Heh..what's wrong with that? I think it looks really cool. Besides, look at your aunt, she has multi coloured hair too (which is true, and she's 40 something), and I've seen lots of girls dye their hair in different fun ways. Grow up."

This is my day according toJessica, whom' I spent most of the day having fun with. She's without doubt one of the coolest people online, and the other half of the two dancing, crying al's.;)

me ->{aLanis} I haven't started writing yet I dunno what to say}
{Alice} i spodded all day.}
{aLanis} at least i'll say ti's a good day}
{aLanis ahs been laughing and smiling lots}
{Alice} 'i don't have tetris but alice does, so i hit her'}
{Alice} 'i made lots of typos'}
{aLanis grins}
{Alice} 'i gagged emanuel and didn't know how to ungag him'}
{CuRiouS} hehe.. serious?}
{aLanis grins, shuddup}
{Alice} yeah}

Gee. If you read this and never spod, you might think spodding means inane pointless conversations. heh. Well, you'd be right too, to a point ;)I'll say this though, as pointless as online talking must seem to outsiders (and it does, anyone who hasn't tried it always gets this blank look in their eyes when I mention spodding), it's really amazing. And can be so incredibly heartbreaking. It's basicaly real life in a weird concetration.

I can never really comprehend how much my online friends mean to me, or what impact I have on their life, but I hope they feel I am there for them when they need me too. The hardest part about being online is that people will come so very close to me and practically crawl into my head, but they aren't real, in the sense that if I don't log on they don't exist in my outside world. *sigh* It's hell not being able to be an irl shoulder to cry on when listening to stories of rapes, deaths and abuse, or being able to touch someone you love. Blah. Like I said, life taken to it's extremes.

And Now I Shall Leave. I'm gonna uuuuh....go to the library and spod more;)

I LOVE SPODS!

I really do feel GREAT, and it's all jessica's "fault". We've been talking for hours, and now I feel strong enough to go out and stare back at the people staring at me. Oh. Didn't I mention? I'm doing the Goth Thing today again. yes. I parted my front hair in two parts, one black and one red, and made little pony tails, one at each side of my forehead. Then I did the black eyeliner/mascara/white poweder/eyeshadow thing (I'm getting real good at it too!)..and purple/black lipstick.

To be quite honest, I look very strange, and I wasn't all up to go outdoors like that either, but I made myself do it anyways. I'm beginning to like the way i transform myself really, before i didn't even go outside my house with _mascara_ on, just because I have rather long eyelashes, which makes them look almost like fake eyelashes when I put mascara on and OH heaven forBID that anyone'd notice that I was wearing MAKEup, what was she thinking that she could be PRETTY?

heh. i realize that's not making much sense. oh the life of a paranoid phobic person. What can i say? I've spent most of my life being phobic about my overweight/ugliness that everyone claimed I possessed, it never once hit me that I might actually be pretty, and be allowed to do things to show myself off. *smile* Sometimes it's nice to grow up.

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Other then that, I worked all day. Yes. First I got to go down in the school's basement and go through a book archive...OH god, why'd I watch all those horror movies? On the other hand, I got more disappointed that nothing happened at all down there... I would've liked to've gottne a use for my bloodcurdeling scream. As it was now I was all alone there with white walls and pipes going along the ceiling singing Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush, so that might count as screaming too.;)

They din' really have work for me today though, so I've been using a paper shredder to shred old classified papers. HAHAHA! I *always* wanted to use a paper shredder! Makes me feel all...secretive. Oh I'd make a great spy, I'd glue together all secret documents I coiuld get my hands on and..no. Heh. Nice thought though..

You know what? I'll go shred some more papers now, and maybe I can sleep tonight as opposed to the last couple of nights. I stayed up til 5 in the morning sunday night watching Terminator and playing Solitaire on my puter coz I couldn't sleep, and last night was almost as bad...I feel great while awake, but in the morning's..yikes.

Kay...On a more neutral note. My cousin's are to come for a visit tonight..I see them a couple of times/year. Heheh. It's Martin (same age as me), the straight A student, and his li'l sis Sanna (10) who's almost like a sis to me. (Oh and John they'r lil brother, 3 or 4 or something like that. he's named john Yngve Leonard, Leonard after Cohen. hehe.) Sometimes I wonder how Sanna'll be when she's all grown up. She has a brother who gets her to listen to rage Against The Machine and Beastie Boys, and dyes his hair blonder/green/pink etc every now and then, and a cousin who dyes her hair black and red all the time, and gets her tapes with Tori Amos and PJ harvey and Björk. I am terribly proud of her though, she could sing Winter when she was 9 . Good indoctrinated girl, good indoctrinated girl.

Yesterday my beloved cat Sammy was hit by a car. After a lot of ado we got him to a veterinarian. She seemed nice etc, but she kept talking and telling the details to my mother all the time, which pissed me off since Sammy's MY cat, my responsibility and oh, guess what, I'm paying the bill. Eventually she got the message.

he was just lying there on the table while she examined him, breathing, not giving a crap what happened to him =( She called me last night to tell me if she thought he had a chance or should be put to sleep. He'd woken up a bit more and was growling at her so apparently he was a bit better. This morning he was a teeny bit better still, he was growling and hissing at her (GOOD sign in my book, it's when he doesn't resent anybody but me he worries me!)

He seems a bit more active now, but something's clearly wrong with his hind legs, so we're gonan go get him xrayed later today. This just SUCKS so unbelievably much!=(( If I had a lot of MONEY I'd be able to do everything needed to kepe him around, but as it is now, money will decide his future. I FUCKING HATE IT! He's more dear to me than most humans *sigh*

Oh. Did I ever mention sometimes, just sometimes I want to mutilate each and everyone of my ex boyfriends? It's just so..tempting. But, uh, I'm nice and civilized so I'd never do such a thing. I can't even remember yelling at an ex boyfriend or telling him to fuck off ever. I feel so deprived. I'm gonna try that the next time.

Sammy's still ok I think, but I'm not gonna stop worrying. He hasn't urinated much and I don't think he's been able to...well...do #2 during all these days. I'm worried. Oh and I have to call the vet.

My nose keep running, it's almost like I'm allergic to cats, but I suspect and hope it's simply because yes, Sammy's shedding a helluvalot, and in a lil tiny place like my room then the hairs get _everywhere_.

Kay, I don't feel creative or spiritual or even anything today, I feel numb, so I'm gonna stop writing here, ad a thing to my poetry page and be done with it.

Comment about things online? I'd rather..not. No. Coz things're a mess and I'm so terribly tired of it.

I put my name through an anagram generator, but the funniest it came up with was something with lesbian. heh. Jessica got the good ones such as: MAGNA CLICK JESUS

I'm in a sorority! "yeah? what's it called?" MAGNA CLICK JESUS!

Kay, so I was sleeping..*sleep sleep sleep* and I don't really recall much to begin with, only that I travelled by bus to some town somewhere. There I apparently knew some ppl, and we was walking around not doing much. Suddenly one of us has the brilliant idea to break into a school nearby and steal some money. So um, we decided that yeah, that's sounds like fun. We go to the school, and other ppl are already there with the same idea..and we crawl into the school's basement and walk around in it's ventilation systems and strange dark dungeon like rooms with dripping water.

All of a sudden I *know* that after us, not chasing us, just behind us. is Marilyn Manson (the guy, not the entire band). Maybe I should mention that if there's _anyone_ that freaks me out it's that guy. No, not the music, the music's quite alright, it's just that guy..has...weird proportions alltogether...his neck is so long and weird and (insert other strange things about his looks).

Anyhoo, I guess I was scared, but we keep crawling there, and we find the money (a couple of thousand), split it and leave. Then I just wonder around the town, go down to the harbour and decide to take this river boat (?) to just..anywhere. I mean hey, I got the money for it. And so I get on it and lo and behold, who's there if not Mr Manson..and so I get scared shitless, and THEN his face melted off and under the makeup is this guy who played Flagg on the filmatization of The Stand. And um, since I found him quite attractive (I DUNNO he looks like a lion heh) I wasn't scared anymore, and we started talking and he said that I should remember to mind my bubbles, and then he kissed me (shuddup, it was a DREAM I didn't plan it ;), tugged my hair and stepped into an elevator and was gone.

That's when I woke up, and even though it sounds really wimpy and not very fascinating written down like this, it's been driving me nuts all day long....MIND MY BUBBLES?

On a better note, I got in touch with the translator =) She was a great lady and we talked for ages, and she'll do it for real cheap! You know what this means, don't you? MORE CRAP I CAN BUY DURING THE CRAZY FARMERS DAYS! (and Maria's hooome..i missed her lots..WeEEe =)))

Lately it feels as if my page is the source of evil...well then...all I have to say is..:P~ I enjoy working on this page, even though 60 %of the things aren't at all done. I enjoy being able to use this as a vent for the times when I need it to be. Sometimes I need to write down how I feel in a particular moment, and I rather write it here than just on a piece of paper. I don't know WHy that is, it just is.

I'm sorry if anyone feel hurt or anything, but I think most everyone would admitt that so far I haven't gone that personal in these diary entries or any of my pages. Well, something in me tells me that it's about time I DO. There's not much point in having a diary where I don't write 70 of my thoughts and events I go through if I can't be honest. This isn't coz I want' to be cool online or get awards or even get read. This is more of a place where I feel I have a goal to work towards...when I feel good about these pages, I generaly feel good. It's the only thing I have to do right now, and I will keep on doing it until I don't feel like it. Simple, isn't it?

Maria came and I showed her some websites I like..we went and had some coffee (well we don't drink coffee, but we had some cookies and apple juice) and we taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalked and went back to her place and taaaaaaaaaaaaaaalked and ate and listened to so much music my mind is still woozy..hehe, it's so funny, coz the first time I was there her boyfriend was so shy *grin* I barely saw the guy at _all_ in maybe 12 hours..yesterday it was fun, we bickered and talked lots the three of us =)

You see, there aren't many categories males fall in when it comes to my behaviour.
1) We bicker and snarl and :P~ lots. Means -hey this guy's cool hahahhaha, coool.
2) We act civilized, but on my part the bicker and snarls are for real. Means - hehehe, look, I don't like you and the odds are quite high saying I never ever will like you. Sorry.

See if I act like I think someone's ok, that's when you should worry. It's when I insult and smack and argue with you that you know you're ok in my book. Really. Unless you're a female, if I like - I talk and talk. If I don't I smile and don't really have anything to say.

It's CRAYSEE FARMERS DAy! I am buying three t'shirts at least, u know the cheap kind I mean..and I'll buy cherries and candy and pecans and get my palm read and buy cheap necklaces and I'll see what silly stuff I can find for my beloved spod ppl. =>

I feel soo GOOD..all the hits to this page is a bit weird though...104 in 4 days? AND someone read my poetry! Who ARE YOU? Identify yourself!

I just dunno what's up. I feel so sad lately. I've laughed a lot and had fun, but I still suddenly feel sad. it's quite annoying. I can be sitting watching whatever....Black Adder - _anything_, and suddenly, in the middle of a laugh spasm I'll draw in air and feel like crying, right there, right then. It's the oddest feeling ever, and there's not much to do about it. Things FEEL very fucked up right now, and yet nothing is the matter, nothing is wrong and things finaly seem to be a-changing after some crappy weeks. But no, things are alright, I'll find something to get upset by, ahve a fit and be alright later maybe. Self-induced rage and tantrums. Better than therapy;)

I don't know how I feel otherwise. I think I'm still a bit depressed, because I keep eating all the time. Well not all the time, but when others aren't around. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not stuffing myself with anything, and really, it isn't very much, but since I spend all day nto eating and then suddenly I snack and snack some crackers here and some cookies there then...that's enough to make me feel odd.

I got a book at the library that I totally forgot I sent for, The Running Vixen by Elizabeth Chadwick, so I guess I now ahve something to do when my insomnia kicks in.