"One, two, three..." he started counting as he moved around the living room, his arms moving along with the image he had of Fatima doing the same routine he was trying to follow.

It didn't take him long for him to finish the choreography. He let out a long sigh, leaning against the armrest of the couch, picking up a bottle of water.

He could remember most of the steps, but there were still a couple that he was having some trouble with.

Specially, the clapping in "Get another boyfriend".

"How in the world did I get it right in the first place?"

He shook his head as he tried to remember each and every step. But his memory was fragile and for a second there Kevin believe he was changing a couple, even creating new ones. With a long sigh, he walked over to the dresser, picking up the tape he had practiced with back when they were in Virginia.

He forwarded it until he saw Nick doing the steps, then rewind it a minute more. He stood up in front of the TV and started moving with the music.

He mixed up the first two steps.

"God," Kevin groaned, hiding his head in his hands. They had a show in three hours and he could barely remember the dance routine.

"The lyrics," Kevin hissed under his breath, picking up a set of pages that were over the dresser too: his summary of the lyrics.

His eyes roamed over them, nodding as he recognized the words. He was sure he'd remember the moment the music started, but that didn't mean he wasn't shaking inside.

And his hands were following too, he realized as he looked at them. He was shaking all over.

There was a knock on his door that caught him by surprise and made him gasp.

Taking in a deep breath, Kevin walked to the door and opened it to reveal Nick standing on the other side.

"Hey there," Nick said with a tilt of his head and a smile on his lips.

"Hey," Kevin mumbled, opening the door wider for Nick to enter.

Green eyes closed the minute Nick's back was to him, groaning at having paused the video, not stopped it.

"You're practicing again." A statement; surprise evident in the tone.

However, Kevin nodded. "I can't remember--"

"It's just nervousness."

"I don't think I remember the steps, and I haven't gone through the lyrics. What if--"

Nick stilled Kevin's shaking hands as he held them in his own, smiling at the older man. His own heartbeat started racing, and he could feel his breathing almost catching in his throat. Standing so close to Kevin tended to have that effect on him.

"You're gonna be fine," Nick breathed out, his voice low in the otherwise silent room.

Kevin tried to smile, but his lips didn't seem to cooperate. "I don't wanna mess up."

"You won't," Nick assured him, soft cobalt eyes clearing as he gazed at Kevin. His left hand moved at its own accord, going to Kevin's cheek and caressing it like he was caressing a lover.

Nick's breathing halted, his hand stilling in the air, and he dropped it to his side, shaking his head inwardly.

He had known coming to Kevin's bedroom hadn't been a good idea, but he had been wondering about Kevin's safety. The morning had been more hectic than the day before. They had a breakfast interview, then a radio show, a photo shoot with another magazine and then lunch.

Nick had been sure Kevin would be bouncing off the walls with nervousness and had thought, wrongly, that his presence might ease the older man.

But when Nick looked at Kevin's clear green eyes, the soft smile on his lips and the way his left hand wasn't shaking anymore in Nick's right, he thought maybe it was helping.

"I don't wanna mess up," Kevin repeated, his eyes falling to the floor.

"You're gonna do great."

"I can't rememb--"

"You can't remember right now, but I'm telling you, the second the music starts and you see the crowd, you'll feel at home."

Kevin wasn't so sure, but he didn't want to say that.

Instead, Kevin nodded, ducking his head in embarrassment. "Thanks," Kevin mumbled, and Nick smiled.

"We better go." The blond looked at his watch and tried not to remember how it used to be Kevin who was always attentive of the time. "We leave in ten minutes."

Kevin nodded, picked up his gym bag, just like Brian had reminded him of last night, and walked towards the door.

When Nick placed his hand on the hollow of Kevin's back to guide him to the door, and the warmth of Kevin's body could be felt even through the cotton fabric covering the sculpted torso, Nick knew his presence had helped.

*****

His eyes traveled through the length of the venue, and he almost gasped.

"Kevin."

He turned around to look at Howie, green eyes edgy as he tried to take in everything about the stage at once. He nodded and walked to his place for practice.

Nick's head swirled to the back and gave the band a sign, the music starting.

Closing his eyes slowly, Kevin started dancing.

Look at the crowd. Smile.

Kevin's eyes opened quickly, remembering Fatima's advice. He smiled, trying to ease into the music, trying to relax on stage. He was accomplishing neither.

Except the words were coming from his mouth, the steps were being done by his limps, and he didn't miss a step as they finished the song.

And even when they dancing "Get another boyfriend", Kevin barely missed his cue.

Maybe Nick had been right, maybe he would ease into it with practice. He hoped so.

*****

He stood in front of the mirror, his head tilted. Kevin's hand moved to the shaky image, the unreal image he was seeing, and it paused in mid motion.

Instead, his hand moved to his goatee, how perfectly and expeditiously it had been trimmed. He saw a face in the reflection, a face that was just familiar as it was strange to him.

He was wearing a long black coat; leather, he recognized as he felt the fabric. He had matching pants and a shirt that was as dark and with silver symbol on the chest.

His hair had grown in the past three weeks. It was spiky, combed and gelled by a woman that had winked at Kevin and patted his head when she had been done. That woman knew him, that was obvious, but Kevin had no idea who she was.

He closed his eyes slowly, images of pictures, pieces and pieces of information coming to mind.

Names and dates, occurrences, actions and decisions that had been taken over the years. He remembered how Nick looked when he was fourteen and how Brian used to hang out with Kevin when they were kids. He remembered that Alex had started smoking when he was young and how Howie liked to be with company most of the time.

He let out a soft breath as his remembrance came to an end. His memory was finite, and it shook Kevin to the core.

He had... they had summed up thirty years in three weeks. He breathed in a shaky breath and he realized he didn't know anything about himself.

Not something that matter. He barely had a handful of true memories, of experienced.

A hand on his shoulder made him turn around.

Alex smiled softly at him. "It's time."

Kevin nodded. Alex paused there for a moment, before nodding as well and walking out of the room onto the hallway, where the rest of the boys were waiting for Kevin.

Kevin looked at his reflection one more time before turning around.

He didn't have many own memories. He was going to make his own.

*****

Kevin bit his lower lip, his hands clenched tightly as he tried to breath in.

The boys were talking with people Kevin didn't know, but was sure he should have. The bodyguards were around, there was Ariadne to the side, talking with a guy Kevin thought was a technician and Kevin had never felt more out of place.

"Relax Kev," Alex told him as he draped his arm around Kevin's shoulder. "It's not that bad. You'll see. In a minute, we'll be out there and you'll have the time of your life."

Kevin nodded, still not convinced. "Yeah."

"Just relax dude, you'll be great. If you don't remember a step, don't stop, okay? Just keep going until you're back on track." Alex slapped Kevin's back with a chuckle. "You'll do great."

Kevin let out a long sigh.

*****

Kevin stood there, his head low as the screams were heard even under the stage.

"Kev, Kevin."

He turned around and saw Nick grinning at him.

Nick said something else, but Kevin didn't catch it as the technician counted down from five.

"Four, three, two..."

Kevin didn't hear the one either as the platform started ascending, his heart beating faster, overlapping the screams and the chants. His hands were shaking, trembling so much Kevin felt like they would never stop. And he couldn't breath, he realized. He couldn't breath.

But then the music had started, and his hands were moving according to the beat, the drums, the keyboards and the guitars.

The movement was controlled, decided and calculated. He didn't miss a step, nor did he lose his pace. So far, he was doing great.

Seconds after, the platform was lowering and the floor was coming closer and closer and Kevin was starting to feel nervous and anxious once again.

He walked with a pause towards the edge of the stage, step by step, turned around and his hands moved over to his shoulder.

He remembered the routine, having practiced it more times than he could count. He had figured if he was to mess up, at least he wasn't going to in the first song.

The intro, Nick's voice loud around him made him took in a deep breath.

Nah, nah, nah, nah...

He followed his instincts as the routine continued, and he paused.

The song started and Brian's voice caught him by surprise, seeming to bring him into a trance as they sang.

We’ve been through days of thunder
Some people said we don’t belong
They try to pull us under
But here we stand together and we’re millions strong

All of a sudden, he felt like grinning, his heart was beating faster, but from excitement, not nervousness. And this times his hands were shaking as he danced, but because he couldn't relax as he moved along with the beat.

He lifted his arms and sang along and, to his surprised, he grinned all through the song.

But when the second song started, it was different.

During "Everybody", he hadn't had time to look at the stage. However, right now, as he waited for "Larger than life" to start, his eyes were glued to the endless darkness of people there, watching him, seizing him, waiting for him to fail, and Kevin felt like he just might give them what they wanted.

When the song started this time, Kevin froze there.

I may run and hide
When you're screamin' my name, alright
But let me tell you now
There are prices to fame, alright
All of our time spent in flashes of light

The music, and the lyrics, caught him by surprised, and it took him a second before he caught up with the guys.

Alex gave him a sideways glance, asking if he was fine.

Kevin could only nod, trying to remember which step followed the one he had just made, and wondering if he wasn't missing the octave, completely flat, just like he used to when he was singing with Claudia by his side.

You're flat.

He cringed as he heard the woman's voice in his mind.

You're flat. Again.

Kevin sang, trying to sound calm and relaxed, controlled and knowledgeable as he felt anything but.

Again. You're still flat.

Again.

He closed his eyes, biting his lower lip, moving like he knew he had to, singing the words he didn't recognize, but remembered. He sang because he had to, he sang because he was expected to, but felt nothing.

Let it flow. Feel the music.

Kevin didn't feel anything, and Nick's suggestion from weeks prior fell into deaf ears. He sang, but he hated every minute of it.

As the songs passed, things did ease somewhat, but he never felt joy in the singing, or the dancing, or even the clapping of the audience. He felt isolated, alone; he felt fake and bogus as he stood there, looking out and wanting to be left on his own.

He liked dressing up like a cowboy and making the chairs choreography in "If you stay". He moved with confidence and poise, something he hadn't felt since the beginning of the concert.

But then that part came to an end as they sang into the old microphone, the five of them together, and when it was, when the last chords were drawn and the last line was sang, he felt that unpleasantness once again.

The concert seemed long and short at the same time, and every time Kevin thought about how much more was left, all he felt was anxiety for it to be done.

When it was, when they finished singing the last accords of "Shape of my heart" and then bowed and thanked the audience and the people started screaming for them, Kevin felt relieved, not as hyped up as the guys did.

They walked out of the stage and into the dressing room. The guys were yelling, screaming and throwing their hands into the air, so happy, so glad they were back on tour their hearts couldn't stop beating.

Kevin, almost unseen by the gang, walked over to the couch and started taking off his clothes.

Howie slapped him on the shoulder. "Was it great, or was it great?"

Kevin grinned at him the best he could. Howie chuckled and left him, going to talk with Alex.

The guys were talking, chatting and laughing; Kevin didn't want to join them, he didn't even want to listen to them.

And he was saved by one of the bodyguards who knocked on the door and let them know they had to be leaving.

There was more chatting all through the ride, and Kevin just sat there on the side, looking out the window.

"You okay?" Nick asked, his head tilted and concern in rich blue.

Kevin smiled softly even as his heart seemed heavy in his chest. "I'm just tired," he said and Nick nodded, understanding fully.

It's his first concert, Nick told himself. It was natural that he was tired. He was probably shocked too. Shocked and stunned at the audience, at the way they react to them, to their songs and their own spirit. But it was invigorating, and Nick was sure Kevin had felt it.

How wrong he was.

They said their goodnights, Kevin lying through almost clenched teeth, and entered his room.

He shed his clothes and walked into the bathroom, turning on the water and placing his hands on the tiles. The water poured down his head as he leaned over, his forehead against the wall. He closed his eyes, letting his breathing out slowly through almost flaring nostrils.

His chest constricted so hard, it hurt to even breath. Warm water, hot water dripped down his hair, onto his chest, arms and legs. He felt cold, so cold inside, the water seemed only a degree above freezing.

Everything had gone wrong.

The moment you step onto the stage, you'll love it

Everything was so wrong.

Let the music flow. Feel the words.

He hadn't felt a thing. He hadn't felt the music, or the lyrics; hell, he hadn't felt himself.

He had felt trapped, goggled at, seized and measured, like he was a price at a gallery, or an animal in a cage close to being sold.

Music it's in your veins.

He hadn't heard the words that were leaving his mouth, he hadn't felt the movement that went through his limbs.

He let out a long sigh, his eyes shut closed and his hands trembling so much, he didn't think he could stop them. He was freezing even though hot water was falling down his body. He was trembling. Vapor emanated from the shower, obscuring the mirror and filling the whole bathroom, but he was trembling.

You'll love it there.

"Oh god," he groaned softly, barely above a whisper and the words didn't stir the vapor around him, didn't effect the water. They were just words mumbled in despair.

You love to sing.

That wasn't me, he had told Nick back then. That wasn't me.

It hadn't been him. That man hadn't been him.

That man had liked the music, had loved it, had thrived on it.

Instead, Kevin had felt nothing. He had felt nothing. When it had been him, he had felt nothing.

Kevin was different.

"Oh god," the words barely left his mouth.