It was the second interview this morning and Kevin was starting to get tired.

The questions were the same he had been asked two days ago. The answers were the same he had said two days ago. The boys were behaving the same they had done two days ago.

Maybe he hadn't understood what Nick had meant when he had said, a long time ago, that sometimes everything seemed to blur into nothingness.

Kevin checked his watch. Almost two. They were running late, he remembered. Ariadne had said they should be done by one and then they had lunch and a photo shoot.

Closing his eyes slowly, Kevin pinched the bridge of his nose.

His mind was still swamped with thoughts regarding the night before. He could still feel that emptiness with every word he had sung. He could still feel his limbs trembling and his lips quivering as he wished it would end.

Green eyes going to the boys as they laughed at something said, Kevin smiled unamused.

He hadn't talked about it with either of them; he didn't know if he could. There were no words to express the lack of everything he had felt the night before.

They wouldn't understand. They loved the stage. They lived for it. They breathed for it.

Kevin loved nothing, he lived nothing and he breathed nothing.

Making his knuckles pop, Kevin tried to think of something else, anything really, as long as he didn't have to ponder about the unfairness of all things living.

He was going to turn thirty in only a couple of days.

Thirty years of life and all he could remember were four months.

He didn't remember his mother, but he knew she had dark hair. He didn't remember his father, but he had been told he had his eyes. He didn't remember his brothers, but he knew they were older than him.

He barely knew these four guys around him, laughing and joking like old friends.

He knew the names and he could put them together with the faces, but he didn't know the people inside.

Letting out a long sigh, Kevin wondered how he had been so tranquil until last night.

"Kevin."

The word caught the man by surprise and Kevin turned around to look at the reporter. "Yes?"

"I'm glad you're back."

Kevin smiled like he had been taught to. Nodding like instructed, making her feel like a friend but being nothing of the sort. "Thanks."

"I hope you're doing better."

"I'm great now, just need to rest a little."

"You're still on medication, right?"

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, for a couple more weeks."

"I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Thanks," Kevin said with a small nod and even a smaller smile.

She stood up and Kevin extended his hand to say his goodbyes.

A couple more smiles here and a nod there and it was done.

"You okay?" Nick asked as they walked out of the conference room and into the hallway.

"I'm fine," Kevin said automatically.

Nick frowned, tilting his head and staring at Kevin for a moment. Nick had used to read Kevin like a book. He used to know exactly what the older man was feeling, what he was thinking.

But that was long gone now.

Nick's eyes squinted for a moment, trying to read between the lines and behind the dark green eyes, and found nothing.

He inhaled slightly, the breath almost catching in his throat.

There was nothing, and Nick didn't know whether it was because there was nothing there, of Kevin was hiding himself behind dark eyes.

He smiled reassuringly, nodding at Kevin's words. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Kevin seemed to think about the blonde's words, seemed to ponder the truth behind the sentence, and he nodded. "Of course."

Seconds later they entered the elevator that would take them to the lobby and to lunch, and they could talk no more.

However Nick was sure there was something amiss in the usual calm nature of his older friend. He just knew it, he felt it. His heart felt something was wrong.

*****

Kevin stood against the white background clad in black, arms spread on either side of him, one leg bended as his heel supported him against the wall, the other one stretched.

His head was hung low, his eyes vacated.

"That's it. Good. Perfect."

He didn't do anything, just stood there, in that moment in time, with lost eyes and a million thoughts running through his mind as the flash of the camera kept going off, the clicking loud against his ears.

"Perfect."

Kevin didn't see the perfection in the pose, or in the instant he was passing through.

He didn't see the perfection in himself many people seemed to stare at every second.

He had been told he was the rock of the group.

Kevin didn't think so. He was link that was falling apart with each passing heartbeat, becoming weaker and weaker as the seconds ticked by.

He had been the wisest.

Kevin felt like a child learning everything from the first time. He didn't know the people around him, he didn't know the procedures. He didn't know a thing.

He had been most confident.

He felt lost in between the sea of faces that stared at him, waiting to fail, waiting to be in the presence of the catastrophe the moment it occurred. They wanted to watch Kevin fall.

He had been the holder of knowledge.

He knew nothing. He knew his name because he had been taught. He knew his birthday because Ariadne had remembered to tell him. But he didn't know if he liked his mother's cooking, or if he knew how to ride.

He had loved to sing.

Music sounded like sirens of an ambulance going away, becoming lost as the image became smaller and smaller, the engine taking it down the road and away from him. Music didn't sound in his ears anymore. It was silence.

He swallowed thickly and closed his eyes.

"Look at me."

Kevin opened them reluctantly, turning his head, his cheek touching the cold wall, his eyes looking down.

"That's good."

He had changed. He wasn't the man he had used to be.

He could take that. He could deal with it, but he didn't know if the boys could.

*****

Nick crossed his arms over his chest, his eyebrows furrowing.

His heart had told him Kevin wasn't alright, that something was amiss and he was beginning to see it more clearly.

That man standing there, head hung low and lost eyes wasn't his friend. That wasn't Kevin.

His chest constricted, reminding him that the Kevin he had known, the man he had loved was forever gone.

But it wasn't so.

Something, a small petal, the root of everything Nick held dear to his heart was there. He had seen it. He had seen it when Kevin had been in the hospital, he had recognized innocent eyes staring back him.

He had seen the essence of what had made Kevin grand and amazing and astonishing staring there, back at him, hiding beneath leaves and branches of pain and insecurity.

And he had seen it in Virginia, in the decisiveness to learn that which felt complicated and unreachable. He had seen in it in a brave heart and passionate eyes late one night as Kevin had stood in front of the TV.

Kevin was there, hiding as if playing with them.

He was there, Nick knew it, but he felt like Kevin himself didn't.

*****

"Can I talk with you for a second?"

Kevin looked at the hand on his shoulder, then up to Nick's blue eyes. He wanted to say no, to say that he was tired after the show, but those blue eyes let him know that Nick wouldn't have no for an answer.

With a soft sigh, Kevin nodded, opening the door and entering.

Nick followed and bit back the smile. At least Kevin had agreed to talk with him. That was more than half the fight.

The minute they stepped into the room, it was as if ice had glittered into flakes and had fallen upon them.

The room temperature seemed to drop and silence greeted both men.

Nick run his fingers through his sweaty hair, remembering a time when talking to Kevin had been the easiest thing to do. When one word could taken them into a spiral of themes and subjects, of laughter and enjoyment.

He remembered loving every minute he spend with the older man, looking forward to the next and dieing to have Kevin's undivided attention.

And now that he had him, that he had Kevin's utter attention, he didn't know if he could handle it.

"I know something's wrong."

Kevin straightened up his back, holding his posture. "I'm fine."

"You're lying."

"How do you know?"

"I know you."

Kevin snorted and it was a painful sound, so hard and deep that it cut Nick's heart into halves. "You don't know me."

"I know who you are."

"You knew who I was," Kevin corrected, turning around and shaking his head.

Nick closed his eyes; it was as if that moment of sorrow had been so stark and desolate that it struck as deep as reality would have, and Nick was still reeling from the impact.

"I'm fine."

"Why do you keep lying? You know you want to talk--"

"I don't."

Nick clenched his hands into fits. This wasn't going to be as easy as it used to. "What's wrong?"

Kevin turned around, green eyes blazing. "Why won't you believe me when I tell you that I'm fine?"

"Because I can see it in your eyes." Nick paused, looking at Kevin as the older man stared back in surprise. "They darken when you have something in your mind. You're worried about something I can't see because you won't let me, but it's there. I won't know what it is unless you tell me and I can't help you unless you let me."

Kevin let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I know I've never gone through what you've been through, and I assume you must hate us, maybe not because you want to, but because you can't help it."

Nick paused, thinking his words carefully.

Kevin tilted his head and looked at him, and Nick accepted that as much of encouragement he was going to get.

"Learning everything was hard, I know it." He shrugged. "We hated it the first time around and we had tons more time than you did. Singing was probably even harder, because it's easier to make your limbs do as you want them to than your voice."

Nick lifted hi eyes to the ceiling, trying to reach out to the older man.

"I'm sorry for that. I really am. If I could... if I could have done something, if either of the guys could have done something to help you out, we would have."

"There isn't any."

"I know," Nick said with a pained voice. "And that's what kills me the most. I would do anything to help you Kevin, you gotta believe me. I would do anything. I'd give you my voice so you wouldn't have to torture yourself over a note, I'd give you what I know about dancing so you'd get the step. I'd give you my memories of you so you could remember a part of your life." Nick paused, biting down his lower lip as he felt tears stinging in the back of his eyes. "But I can't."

Kevin lowered his head, his eyes focusing on a point in the floor that Nick couldn't see.

"I can't do anything. What little I can do is offer my help. My ears to listen to whatever you want to tell me. My eyes to see with you. My hands to feel with you and my heart to show you that I'm your friend and all I want for you is to be happy."

Silence answered Nick and for a moment he felt he had been speaking into deaf ears.

"I didn't feel anything."

The words surprised Nick and he had to take a moment to run them through his mind once again before understand them. "What?"

Kevin let out a long sigh. "I didn't feel anything." He shrugged apologetically, his face contorted in confusion and abandonment.

"I just... didn't. I was standing there last night, tonight, and all I could see was this sea of faces, of people, watching me as if they were waiting for me to make a mistake, and I felt nothing but fear and awkwardness."

Nick's heart seemed to fall from the corner of the table and tumbled into the floor, and then he paused, and it all came crashing into him. Kevin was lot.

"Kevin..."

"You all said I'd love it the minute I was there. But I didn't. I've barely been able to sleep the past couple of days. First because I was afraid of what might happen and then because I didn't want to be there again."

"It's okay."

Kevin's eyes moved up, catching Nick in a powerful stare, green darkening until it resembled gray and black and Nick almost had to take a step back for all the emotion in those eyes staring at him. His tone raised and anger and frustration was heard in it. "How can it be okay when you all love it? Shouldn't I love it too?"

Nick chuckled softly, his eyes softening and he shook his head. "Kevin, you've only been there two nights, you gotta---"

"I don't want to give it time! It won't change!" He said, almost yelling, raising his hands as his voice raised two octaves.

Instinct kicked in in two seconds time, and Nick's hand moved, holding Kevin's own in mid air, pausing the older man in between words. "It'll be better. It's always better after the first month." He smiled softly. "Do you think we weren't worried, or afraid the first time we were on a stage? I threw up the first five shows. Brian kept shaking like a leaf and Alex was missing his cues like crazy."

Nick shrugged apologetically. "It takes time Kevin," Nick said after a moment, his fingers parting and letting Kevin's hand falling onto his side.

Blue eyes softened even more, clearing and his hand moved over to Kevin's cheek, caressing it like it would to lost lover, and Nick didn't know if he could stop himself if he wanted to.

His hand paused in mid motion, cupping his face and Kevin leaned into the touch.

Tears filled his eyes because this wasn't like he had imagined it would be. The air leaving Kevin's lips wasn't in longing but in relief. His hands weren't shacking in emotion, but in peace.

A small sob died in Nick's throat and Nick pressed his hand tightly against the cheek one more time before pulling away.

Kevin's eyes opened slowly, focusing on Nick's blurred blue eyes and the blond turned around before Kevin could see what it was.

Nick cleared his throat, rubbing his eyes with his fits in mock of tiredness.

When he turned around, he felt more in control of himself, and he was able to smile at the older man without a shaky breath leaving his lips.

"You'll be fine," Nick said with a smile. "Just give it time."

"But I didn't..."

"I know that." Nick clasped his hands together before they reached out to touch the soft skin once again. "You just have to get used to it, to the people around, to the lights and to the stage. It'll take time, but when you do, when you're comfortable not only with the songs but with us on stage, you'll see you like it."

Kevin nodded and hoped he had as much confidence in himself as Nick did in him.

Nick let out a shaky breath and realized he had been holding it inside for quite sometime.

"I should get going now," Nick said, shrugging nonchalantly. "It's late and we've got an early morning tomorrow."

"A radio interview, right?"

Nick nodded. "Those are the most fun. We get to make fun of reach other and no one can tell."

Kevin chuckled at the idea, ducking his head slightly. "Thanks."

Nick waved it off. "Don't worry."

"You won't tell the boys, will you?"

Nick shook his head, the smile still on his lips. "Don't worry about it."

He had only taken two steps towards the door when Kevin's voice stopped him.

"Nick?"

The tone Kevin used, the way his voice seemed fly with the wind, brush his cheek and caress his hand made his heart ache and eyes close. "Yes?" He asked softly, his own voice coming out stronger than he felt at the moment.

"Could you stay with me tonight?"

Nick's hands clenched tightly, his knuckles turning white from the pressure.

"I can't seem to sleep at night and I thought..."

He wanted to say no, he wanted to oppose, to leave the room and hide beneath the sheets and cry at the loneliness his heart felt when Kevin wasn't around.

But there was Kevin, standing two feet from him. Nick turned around, blue eyes staring at Kevin and the need he saw in those green eyes made his heart melt.

There was Kevin, asking him to stay the night, to hold him as he slept, to chase the nightmares away, to kiss his forehead as his breathing evening, to be his pillow under his head, and Nick didn't know if he could have ever say no.

And a small nod of his head was enough, because seconds later they were both walking into the room, clothes being taken off and the light was going out.

With a shaky breath that sounded loud in the otherwise silent room, Nick sat down on the bed and took off his shirt and his pants. His hands were trembling, and his body temperature seemed to have dropped, because only coldness ran through his veins.

Nick felt the bed shifting under Kevin's weight, and then there was the sound of movement in the bed and Nick closed his eyes, knowing Kevin was laying down, head on the pillow, and he enjoyed the seconds ticking by.

A minute later he laid down himself, placing on arm over his head, the other one on his chest as he heard Kevin's breathing.

"Thanks."

Nick smiled at the irony of it. It should be the other way around, it should be Nick thanking Kevin. "Don't mention it."

"I know it sounds childish, not being able to sleep and all that..."

"Not at all."

"But I've been thinking about everything so much."

"I understand."

"And I don't think I could spend another night looking at the ceiling."

"It's alright."

They both paused, Nick not knowing what to say, if to say anything at all.

"I used to have trouble sleeping," Nick said with a sheepish smile.

The bed shifted once again and Nick realized Kevin had turned to his side, his eyes staring at the shape of Nick's face outlined by the dim moonlight coming from the closed curtains.

"Really?"

Nick nodded, realizing as he told a tale he remembered every once and again, when his mind seemed to go into over drive and his sweetest memories were the ones that kept him going, that it had been long since he last thought about it.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Well, first we were touring over in Europe, so not only I wasn't with my family, but I couldn't even talk to a stranger, I didn't know the language." He turned his eyes to his right and smiled at Kevin, his nose barely inches from Kevin's and he realized it would only taken a small lean of his head for him to capture Kevin's lips in his.

"We were alone?"

Nick nodded, swallowing thickly, his eyes moving to the ceiling as he tried to calm down his beating heart before Kevin himself hear it. "Yeah, we could only talk to ourselves."

"No wonder you were scared."

Nick chuckled at the word, the tone sounding so very familiar, the drawl becoming thicker the more they talked and it made Nick smiled. "Yeah, I was pretty scared."

"What happened?"

Nick turned once again, blue eyes gazing into green ones even in the darkness of the room and propped himself up on his arm, eyes going to Kevin. "You helped me. You slept with me for like a month. You would run his fingers through my hair, and tell me about your family, and kiss the top of my head. You were great."

The corners of Kevin's lips twitched upwards at the memory shared in the soundless room. "I was?"

"You were amazing. I don't think I could have gone through all that if it wasn't for you."

And in his heart, Nick had always known it. If it hadn't been for Kevin's comfort, Nick knew he would have talked with his mother and ask her, beg her, to go back home.

"I helped?"

"You saved me."

Kevin smiled, his features relaxing and his eyes closing ever so slightly. Sleep was starting to take its effect and Kevin's breathing was evening into a soft pattern.

"I didn't know that," Kevin whispered into the night.

"Well," Nick said just as softly, not wanting to intrude Kevin's path towards dreamland. "I'm here to tell you all about it."

Only three more seconds ticked before Kevin's eyes were fully closed and his features talked about peacefulness and calmness, about confidence and security, about love.

Nick's eyes fell upon Kevin's face, his heart carving that moment into the eternity of memory inside his mind. His hand moved, touching Kevin's soft hair in between fingertips. The back of his palm caressed the soft flesh of his cheek that had just touched minutes ago.

His breath caught in his throat as Kevin shifted, and Nick feared he had woken him.

But Kevin was only turning around in his sleep, as Nick knew he tended to do when deep gone.

Kevin moved towards Nick, his hand accommodating over Nick's chest, warm against the otherwise cold flesh. But such warmth started spreading around, through his veins and into every inch of his blood, and suddenly, Nick was feeling the room too warmth for his comfort.

With a soft sigh from Kevin's part, he scooted closer, touching Nick's flesh, and he placed his head over the right shoulder blade and collar bone and the blond could feel Kevin' breath against his neck.

It reminded him of a night not so long ago went they had fallen asleep very much like they were right now, and Nick smiled at the memory and at the present.