Perfect.

He had been there in his study for the past hour, after another very tiring meeting with their PR. He just couldn't believe how those people could live doing that very other day. He was happy that he only had another meeting before the tour kick in, then all he had to do was talk with them every once in a while to make sure things were running smoothly.

He looked down at the pages before him, there were about 30 pages there, most of them were just scraps. Somehow he hadn't been able to focus on the task at hand, he had barely made it through one song, needing to come out right. The other scramble writes he had made just kept being the same and the same. The lyrics, the main theme, was the same over and over again. He knew it had a lot to do with his feelings, every time he wrote something down was a way to express in paper what he couldn't say aloud.

The last 8 months, his writings had been getting better and better, even though he knew that most of those scraps were never gonna see the light besides the one from the study itself, too many emotions had been put down on paper for Kevin to be able to set them free. Many of them were just lyrics or notes on piano. About seven to ten were complete songs, just two up tempos, then rest, just ballads.

The dark haired man looked at his surroundings. His study. His sanctuary. The only place he felt comfortable enough to just let everything show. Thinking he had written enough for the day, specially because he just couldn't focus on the task at hand, he made his way towards the back of the house, his eyes lingering on the pool for a moment. It was sunny enough to take a dip but somehow he just wasn't in the mood, he just wanted to watch the pool, the soothing look of the translucid water in it. Without even realizing it, he was already by the side of it. The older man let go of his sandals and just sat at the edge, his long feet touching the cool water. He started moving his fingers around, making indistinctly patterns.

He stood there, just feeling the sun in his face, the water in his feet and hearing his own steady breathing for the longest time. He didn't want to think, he didn't want to feel, afraid of what it may bring. Too many things had changed too recently, the 'control' he was used having over his life had slipped away through his fingers, he could sense it. He didn't know what to do about it. He couldn't do anything about it.

First it had been that horrible night 8 months ago, the memories still hunting him like a killer to it's pray. He still couldn't move on, but he was able to leave day by day without having to think too much about it. Then, suddenly, something else came to his life and everything ended up upside down.

Him.

That was what had changed. Him. His deep and breathtaking black eyes, his tan and soft skin, his beautiful and firm lips, his thin black hair, so short it looked as if it'd had just been cut.

He shook his head in an exasperated manner. 'Leave it alone Richardson. Nothing is going to happened, what did happened yesterday is all you're gonna get, so just get used to it' his mind told him. He didn't deserve happiness, that he had been taught. He didn't have anything to offer, a life on the road, coming home for just month a year, complete secrecy in their relationship, the lying and deceiving. That wasn't a life, he had to live it because he had chosen it that way, his love for music was just too much, but he wasn't gonna ask another one to make that sacrifice. He knew it wasn't fair.

And, to make things worst, he was gonna see him today. He knew Nick and Matt were going to hang out together today, he wished he could do something... telling him was just too risky, and after the incident the day before, even hanging out with him was just too much. Kevin sighed, he didn't know what to do. But, specially, he just wanted to believe that nothing was wrong... that everything was as it was supposed to be.

Kevin laid down by the side of the floor, his feet still in the water, his back to the green grass. Things had never been easy for him, being in the spotlight was one thing, but being gay AND in the music business was sometimes just too much to bare. He wanted to fall in love with some, that his feeling were returned, to be able just too look at him in the eye and fell complete. For him, that was love. He hadn't found it yet though.

'Maybe you have' his mind told him.

'NO!' it answered back. 'How could I have fallen for him if I've just met him?' he reasoned.

'What does that has to do with anything?. Think about how you feel just by looking at him, just by thinking of him. Now tell me it isn't love'

No answered.

'Now do you believe me?'

He sighed, someway, somehow he knew he had fallen for the younger man. However his 'rational' mind told him nothing good could come up from it. They were just too different. First of all, he was a singer, in the business people just don't live 'normal' lives. His life was too hectic for a steady relationship, if his and the guys' relations were of any indication, none of them had been with a girl, or a guy in his case, for too long. Only Brian had somehow manage to date Leighanne and not fall in the already known pattern of long distance relationships. He was lucky.

That was only on his personal side. In Matt's side, he was so young, only 18 while Kevin was gonna turn 29 in only months, his whole mind was focus on his studies, 'relationships' just weren't in his plans as he had said last night. And, the main reason, he was probably straight. Kevin sighed 'It is SO you to get in this kind of trouble Richardson. Only you can fall for someone so young and straight.'

At least now he accepted it. 'Difficult not to accept it after yesterday's 'incident'. If wanting to kiss him as bad as I have, if wanting just be tasting him as bad as I have, is of any indication, then hell yeah!. I've already fallen for him'.

He closed his eyes, he still had about half an hour before having to leave for the studio, so he better enjoy this time. He laid there, just trying to forget about everything for a moment, just a moment.

*****

I looked down at my book for the thousands time this hour. I'd been in the same page for over an hour and if you asked what it say, I'd be lost. I looked up and around, I was in the library in college, where I'd been for the past 2 hours. I was supposed to have Anatomy but the teacher called in sick and we were given the last two hours off, so knowing Kate still had classed, I decided to study a little bit. It wasn't happening though. All I kept thinking was last night. Kevin's breath on my nose. The smell of his cologne. His sapphire green eyes.

"AHG!" I yelled, turning around to see who had startled me in such a way that I've called everyone's attention in the library on me. As I thought. Kate. She grinned at me and sat at my side.

"Aren't we jumpy this afternoon."

I managed half a smile. "Lets get out of here"

I put everything back in my backpack and headed for the exit. Kate had to jog to catch up with me.

"What's with you?" she asked walking faster than usual, trying to keep my pace.

"Nothing." I said bluntly.

She took a step in front of me as I stopped abruptly not to run over her, she put her hands on my shoulders and kept me there.

"Who do you think you're talking to Matthew?. It's me. Kate. You're best friend for the past 13 years. You can't lie to me and you know it"

I sighed. She was right, even if I wanted to, which wasn't the case right now, I could never lie to her.

"Not here. Too many people"

She nodded and we walked towards the campus and sat by one of the trees. We just stood there, she was looking at me, I could feel her gaze even if I wasn't looking. I just kept staring at my folded hands in my lap.

"I've got all day, you know"

I wanted to talk... I truly did, but what was I about to say?. Hey, I think I've fallen for someone who I've just seen twice!. I don't think so!.

"It's Kevin." she stated.

I looked up at her, I wasn't that surprised. She knew me well enough.

"What happened yesterday?"

I sighed and told her the whole story. Detail by detail. Not leaving anything behind.

"So that's why you were so quiet after you came out of the kitchen" she answered her own mental question. "So?"

"So what?"

"Did you like it?"

"Like what?". I was staring to sound like a broken record!. "Nothing happened Kate. I swear."

"And I believe you, I didn't asked you what happened, I asked you if you 'wanted' it to happened."

I stayed quiet for a second, trying to process everything... did I?. I didn't know. Yesterday I think I did, but now? "I don't know."

"You don't know, or you don't wanna know?"

"You're studying engineering, you know, not psychology." I commented smiling at her.

"I know, but I KNOW you my friend. You wouldn't have let yourself get into those positions unless you wanted to"

"What is that supposed to mean?".

"Don't take me wrong baby, but I kinda knew you were feeling something for Kevin, you didn't talk 3 hours with him in the BBQ for nothing."

"We just talked!."

"I know, but the way you talked. I was looking at you every once in a while. You were happy, not like you pretend to be with the guys from your classes. But really happy, like when you're with me"

"You were checking up on me?. I'm not a baby you know!"

"I know. C'on Matt, give me more credit, will ya!. I just wanted to see what was keeping you away from the group, if you were feeling isolated, I was gonna tell the guys we were leaving, but you weren't. You were great."

I sighed, I didn't know where this was leading. "So, where does this take us?"

"You don't get it yet, do you?" she asked grinning at me.

"Nope, sorry, got lost in Alfa centarous".

"Ok, I think you were liking him from the beginning, and what happened yesterday, the thing the counter and the salad. Well, it was just your subconscious telling you to act upon your feeling."

"I think you're wrong there."

"Where?" she asked confuse.

"I don't think I feel something for Kevin."

"You're kidding, right?" she asked lifting her eyebrow, she always did that when she was truly confused.

"It's true, I mean, yeah he's cute and I do like talking with him. But I know nothing is gonna happen. First he's probably straight. Second, even if... and there's a huge if... he is gay, what would he see in someone like me?. I'm 18 and in college and he's 28 and a world famous singer. I don't think so"

"Here we go again!" she said in a exasperated tone, waving her hand in the air to complete the image. "Why is that every time you like someone you just keep putting excuses to think that there might be a chance?"

"Because I know it's the truth, I'm not gonna fool myself into thinking that I can have whoever I want and then face the cruel reality and when it hits me in the face. I know that and you should know that too." I said in a steady tone.

"You're a great guy Matt, anyone should be grateful of having you feeling like that over him. Specially someone like Kevin. I'm sure he'd thank he's lucky star every night when he finds out that you like him. In a business like his real friends must be difficult to find. Hell, even I would do anything for you to love me. Just if I loved you back like that." she said with a smile.

"Yeah. Someone screwed up, up there, don't ya think?" I couldn't help but smile back.

She just nodded. "But Matt, are you sure you don't feel something for him?"

I tried to sort my feeling out. Did I feel something?. "He's a great guy Kate. Nothing else"

"If you say so Matt... it must be." she said looking at me "But someway I think you're just fooling yourself, you don't wanna believe it, because you think it'll be easier to forget about it. But you know what?. When you're really head over heels for someone. You just can't forget about it"

I stayed quiet, was she right?. Was I trying to fool myself?. Did I really like him?.

I sighed.

"I don't think so love. "I've only met him and I've talked with him just twice. Loving someone, really loving him, takes more time. It doesn't happened at first sigh"

"Who said it doesn't?" she said grinning at me.

"You're unstoppable!. C'on, lets hit the cafeteria. It's already 3pm, we still have to have lunch and then head to pick Nick up" I said standing up and helping her. I felt somehow relieved that I've told her. And what I said was the truth, I didn't like him, not the 'like him, like him' sorta way. Now, the only question was, was I believing it?.

*****

As I felt the car come to a stopped I looked up, I was too busy reading my anatomy book to notice we had already arrived. Since I hadn't been able to focus on it in the library, I thought that the car would be a good place as any to study.

Unconsciously I started to analyze my surroundings. We had parked right in front of a pretty large two stored building. Only 4 cars were parked on the outside: A black 4Runner, a jeep, a red BMW and a gray sedan. It had been about a 35 minutes ride and we were in a kinda isolated part of the city. It looked like only people who knew this place was over here could arrive.

"Is this the place?"

"Yep, it's what the card says."

"Then let go inside." I said as I put the book on the dashboard.

We walked towards the door, I was planning on knocking. However I just opened it, it opened easily and we went inside, it was a little hall. We looked around and no one seemed to be close by. A little bit down the room were two doors that open up to the same place, and to the left of the room was a long hallway that headed God knows where.

I turned around to Kate, silently asking her if we should open the door. She just shrugged and I went for it. Placing both my hands on the push up metal that let it open (like the doors on the exits on the movies), I took a breath and let opened them.

We were welcomed by very loud music coming from a stereo in the side of the place. It was a very large salon, with mirrors on 3 of the 4 walls. The guys, all of them, and a talk black woman were there. The guys seemed breathless and pretty tired, dancing with the little energy they had left, while the woman kept a close eye on every move. I stood there, just watching them for a moment, my eyes never leaving Kevin's sweaty and moving body. 'Snap out of it Caldwell!' my mind told me. However I was able to see Kevin missing the beat, and then Nick messing up the dance step. As I was about to say something, the woman moved towards the stereo and turned it off, silence suddenly filling the room.

"Damn it Kevin!. NO!. Two beats, then three, no the other way around. And the turn is to the left, not the right!" she yelled.

Kevin just looked at the floor, his shoulders down. I could tell that he was pretty tired of the her yelling, and from the looks of it, he had messed it up a couple of times.

Then, she turned to the younger band member.

"And Nick!. C'on, it's a simple step, remember it!"

Nick just nodded slightly. His eyes never leaving his shoes.

She then turned around and looked at us.

"And who are you?"

"Umm..." Ok, not the smartest answer but she had taken me for surprise.

"Matt!" Nick yelled running towards we were. He hugged me pretty tight, I think relieve that for a moment he could forget about the ruined choreography. Then he hugged Kate and motioned us towards the center of the room, where the rest of the guys were.

Kevin looked up and saw us, then looked down at the floor again. 'Just relax. They'll leave soon enough, then you'll just forget him' he thought. 'Don't mess up in front of them!'

As I approached them, I saw them just collapsing on the floor, AJ running for a bottle of water that he had nearby.

"Fatima, let me introduce you to our very neat friends Matt and Kate."

Fatima looked us over, then smile, I didn't know she could!. "Nice to meet you" she said shaking our hand "Any friend of the guys, is a friend of mine."

"It's a pleasure"

She looked around to the guys who were laying on the floor, breathless, the only one who seemed to be in his element was AJ, he was smiling at us drinking his water. "Ok. I feel sorry for you guys. Five minutes, then, you're mine" she said with an evil smile.

The guys, as an answered, just groaned and kept trying to catch their breath.

Nick sat on the floor next to Brian, or should I say Brian's corpse?. Well, we sat next to them, and soon AJ and Howie came to us, it took Kevin a couple of seconds before deciding to join us too.

"I see you're tired."

"Hell yeah!, we've been here since 11am and only got 30 minute for lunch!" complained Brian from the floor, not even bothering to sit down.

"AJ, I see you're not that tired."

"Yeah, this guy over here." said Howie pointing to a very happy AJ "Has taken every dance class available in the world, he's used to the dancing. We're not."

"But you've been in the business quiet a bit, right?" asked Kate, she waited for Howie to nod before continuing. "Then you should be used to this, right?"

"Actually, the dancing is the part that takes the most from us. Yeah, we're used to practicing, but now Fatima wants to change all the choreographs, and she's right, we've been with the same for over a year, it's about time."

"Yeah, and this two klutz over here." said AJ pointing towards Nick and Kevin "Can't get it right!" finished with a smile.

"Well, I can't talk on behave of Nick, but I'd say that Kevin just can't get it ought to the age, you know, the older you get, the more difficult it is for you to remember stuff." Brian said smiling.

"Shut up cuz." Was the only answered from Kevin, who was quite busy drinking his Gatorade.

"Brian is right, I don't know why but I just don't seem to get it right." Said Nick with a defeated voice.

"You'll get it, maybe you're just out of focus, you know." I said while patting his shoulder.

"But the more time it takes us, the longer we're gonna stay, and I wanna go with you." Continued in a childish voice.

I laughed at the picture, he was just too cute for words!

"It's ok, we can just sit in the back and read a little." said Kate smiling at him, at that, Nick smiled back.

"You don't mind?"

"Nah!, it's ok."

"I'm sure it won't take us that long. We're just a minute short."

"It's ok, just take your time and get it perfect. I'm sure that's how you want it."

"Break's over!" yelled Fatima returning to the room.

"Ok, that's our cue" said Howie "there are a couple of chairs over there" said pointing to the other side of the room, the only wall that didn't have mirrors "we'll be done soon"

Kate and I nodded and made our way towards where we he pointed. True to his words, there were five chairs, maybe part of the choreography. We took two of them and moved closer, wanting to see watch them dancing.

"Ok guys, from the beginning. One, two, three." and the music started.

The guys started dancing, their movements as one, perfectly synchronized. I was amazed, the steps seemed pretty difficult, and I was liking them.

As they approached the part were they had messed up before, I could see Kevin frowning in the mirror. His eyes never leaving his movements in it, he passed his 'messing' point and continue, then he looked up and met my gaze. As they were supposed to slide to a side, Kevin froze, his green eyes never leaving my black ones, I was hypnotized by their depth. Suddenly AJ moved as he was supposed to do and bumped onto Kevin, who didn't know he was gonna be hit and fell to his side.

I was scared, worried something might have happened to him. I wanted to go to his side, but Kate's hand hold me on my spot. Looking over at her she returned my gaze and I understood, it wouldn't have looked good for me to run to his side, right?.

We stood up as one and went towards the guys, the music had stopped by then, the four of them were by Kevin's side, making a circle to the sitting Kevin.

"You ok cuz?"

Kevin nodded, he was rubbing his calf, it was a little green and I could tell a bruise was in it's way. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Sorry Kev, I'm truly sorry."

Kevin looked up, he could tell the younger man was sorry he had hurt him, even unintentionally. "It's ok AJ, it wasn't your fault, I froze" his eyes looking up at mine.

I met his gaze, but I was brought back by Fatima's voice. "C'on Kevin, lets put some ice in that leg"

Kevin nodded and Brian helped him stand up. "Can you walk?"

"Yeah, it's nothing."

With that Fatima, Brian and Kevin walked towards the door and disappeared to the hall. I turned around and could tell the guys were just exhausted.

"Tired?"

Howie was the only one who nodded. "We'll be done soon."

"Think Kevin will be able to continue?"

He nodded. "Yeah, it isn't the first time we fall, he'll have a bruise, that's why Fatima took him to her office, the ice will help with the color in case we have a photo shoot soon. But he'll be back and we'll continue practicing"

I smiled at him and him and AJ made their way towards their water. I walked were Nick was, in front of the mirror. "What ya doing?"

Kate turned to me and smiled. "I just don't get the next step." Nick said while looking at us from the mirror.

"It's ok, you'll get it."

"No, everyone knows them by heart. Kevin is off today, usually he'll get it the first time..." he trailed off.

I put my hand on his shoulder and as I was about to say something, the door opened and Kevin, Brian and Fatima walked in. Kevin was walking like nothing had happened, his calf looked better, not so green anymore.

"Lets continue boys."

We smiled at Nick and made our way towards our chairs.

The guys started dancing from the beginning. Everything was running smooth, I kept my eyes on Kevin, even though he kept watching the floor.

"Kevin, look up."

Kevin obliged, he met my gaze for a second, then looked to his side. I knew it was the best, I didn't want him bumping into anyone anymore. The dancing was great, I was enjoying every minute of it. Then, they were supposed to move around and the turned and Nick just turned two beats before.

"Nick!"

Nick looked down, knowing he had screwed up big time.

"The arms Nick!." Even though she was shorter than him, she was right in his face, Nick feeling like a 5 year old all over again. "chest, out, chest, cross, sides, up. And THEN down."

"Sorry."

"We're staying another hour."

"I can't. I was supposed to go with Kate and Matt half an hour ago."

"Sorry, we need to have at least this song down today." she sighed and looked around, the guys needed rest, even for a while. "Five minutes, Nick practice the moves." and with that she walked towards her bag and put out a bottle of water, smiling at us.

"It's ok Frack, you'll get it."

Kate and I moved towards them. "He's right, it's not so hard."

"Thanks!" said Nick a little bit annoyed.

As she was gonna say something, I stepped in "She's right, it's not so hard. C'on."

I step in front of the mirror and started dancing from the second paragraph. The legs cross, the slide, and specially, the arms: chest, out, chest, cross, sides, up and down. I turned around and did the last step and then stop. By that time I was panting a little bit. I looked up and smile at Nick. "See, I'll help you"

All of the guys were amazed by this, I looked at Kate and she just smiled.

"How did you do it?" asked a still dump founded Brian "It took us 2 hours to learn all that!"

I smiled a sheepish smile "What can I say, I like dancing."

"No shit Sherlock." said AJ grinning at me.

"Can you really help me?"

"Sure." I said as I got a hold on Nick's arm and moved him next to me by the mirror.

"Now look." I did them slowly, so Nick could remember them. "Got it?"

"I think" he said and started dancing, the first 5 steps he knew them by heart, the arms... well, he started good: chest, out, but then he turned and moved down.

"No. It's like this." I did them even slower, so he could see exactly how it was: chest, out, chest, cross, sides, up and down.

"Ok" he tried again and messed up again. "See, I just can't get it."

"C'on, lets do it together" I said as I positioned myself behind him, I hold his hand on his, our arms closed together. "At three." I waited for him to nod before counting. "two, three" at that we started dancing as one. When the time came for the arms, I hold my grip stronger and did the steps for him. "Now, got it?"

He nodded and tried again. His eyes were focus on the mirror, checking out every move. I could see he was biting his lower lip as he got to the arms moves. After he finished it he smiled upon me, I couldn't help but smile back. Even though I could tell that he still wasn't too sure about what he was doing. If he just stop looking at the mirror for a second he'd mess them up.

"Good, now do it again"

After he repeated the routine, I could tell that he had much more confidence in his dancing than before. He knew what he was doing.

"See!. I knew you could do it."

"Thanks." He said as he pulled me to a hug

As we broke apart, I could see the guys looking down at us. All of them with a smile on their faces.

"Good job Matt. You're great."

I blushed a little bit at his comment. "It's nothing."

"Thanks, Nick is tough when it comes to learning dance steps" said AJ.

"Well, sorry!" said Nick in mock of annoyance.

As I turned around to see where Kevin was, I could see him heading for the door, opening it and then slamming it. The guys turned around to the door.

"What happened?" asked Howie

"Kevin just left."

"He's probably tired. He gets like this after practice." said Brian making up for him. He knew exactly what was it, even tough Kevin wouldn't accept his feelings for Matt, he knew better, and seeing him with Nick so close together probably just pissed him off.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and it was Kate, smiling at me she decided to change the subject. "It's been a while since you've danced"

"Yeah, I kinda missed it."

"You used to dance?"

"A little bit, just in school actually, but I really enjoyed it."

"Did ya ever thought going pro?" asked Howie this time.

"Yeah, you caught the steps pretty quick." continue AJ.

"Nope, I just like dancing, but I like medicine best."

"You're good." a voice said. We turned and saw Fatima walking where we were with a bottle in her hands. "You're really good."

"Thanks" My eyes never leaving the floor, I didn't like being the focus of everyone's attention. Let alone when I didn't know the people I was with that much.

"Got the steps pretty quick, not even AJ gets them so fast." said smiling. AJ just glared at her. "It's the truth."

"Well, I kinda have a good memory." I didn't like talking about what I could do, I could. Period.

"If you ever need the extra money, I could use you as a dancer somewhere."

"Thanks. I'll keep it in mind."

With that we sat and on the floor and started talking. Fatima was a nice girl, we talked about everything, she told us about all the mistakes the guys had made over the years and how, at the very beginning, she was planning on leaving thinking it wasn't worth the torture.

I laughed and talked, but kept glazing over to the door from time to time, hoping Kevin would be back. 'This is not good, and you know it' I thought 'Forget it. It's the best'.

Brian, however, had the very same thoughts on his minds. 'Just let him be alright. That's all I ask.'

*****

Kevin closed the studio door and made a way to the bathroom 'Get there. Just get there' was his mantra. Slamming the door as soon as he got there.

"Shit!"

He started passing the little room trying to calm down and forget the image in his mind. 'It was nothing' he told himself 'they were just practicing. Nick needed the help. Matt's a good dancer. Nothing happened'

"Then why do I feel like this?" he asked aloud. "Why do I feel like I wanted to kick Nick for being so damn close to him?"

He sighed and rested his warm forehead against the coolness of the sink. He looked up and saw himself in the mirror, there was anger and jealousy in his eyes. That was obvious. He pushed the tap up and splashed some water in his flustered face.

"They were just dancing."

'You love him. You know it but keep denying it.'

"I can't accept it."

'Why?'

"It's not gonna help. He's too young. He's studying. He's straight."

'You don't know it for sure'

"With my luck, he's straight." Kevin said with an ironic smile.

'Ask'

"Are you nuts! I can't go and ask him: 'Hey, by the way, are you gay?. Coz I kinda have a crush on ya'. Yeah, right!"

'You want him. You like him. But most important of all. You love him'

Kevin sighed. Here he was a world known pop star. Twenty eight years old. Gay. And talking to himself. 'Way to go Richardson. Now it's proven. You're nuts'. Laughing at the irony that he still was having a fight with his mind.

'Staying here. Just hiding isn't going to help and you know it. The best thing you can do is go out there and pretend like he's just your friend'

"I can't." his voice barely above a whisper, he didn't want to accept it. "I just can't. Everytime I looked at him from the mirror, I just wanna go there and hug him and kiss him. But I can't."

He stood silent for a moment. Was it worth it?. Risking the blossoming friendship with him, what could become a great friendship outside the group, for something he didn't even know if he had a chance at. No. He wouldn't do it. He couldn't do it.

"And I won't." With that decision in his mind, he took another breath and made his way towards the dancing room. He had to face them. But most important of all. He had to face him.

*****

The guys and I were in the room just talking. Fatima had left for a moment. Nick, Kate and I were talking about The X-Files, what else?. Kate kept arguing about the second season and Scully's abduction. I could see that Brian, Howie and AJ were talking about God knows what. But Brian was really worried. I was worried myself, it had been a good ten minutes since Kevin left.

Brian kept looking over at the door, half paying attention to the conversation at hand with AJ and Howie, half not.

"He's fine."

Brian heard someone said. As he turned around to see who it was, both AJ and Howie were looking at him. AJ had a knowingly smile in his lips.

"I'm sure he's just fine." repeated AJ.

"How can you know?"

"We don't. But AJ's right, Kevin is old enough to take care of himself. He probably just had to make a phone call or something like it."

Brian sighed, he knew it wasn't that. He had left because he just couldn't see Nick and Matt together. 'Why do you have to be such a bull headed person Kevin! Why can't you just accept that you're head over heels for him. It'll all be easier.'

"Why don't you go and check up on him?. That's what you want to do."

"No AJ, Howie's right, he's old enough."

"It doesn't help though, does it?"

"Nope." said the younger Kentucky cousin as he turned argund to see the unopened door for the nth time. 'Just get back Kevin, just get back'

AJ turned around to look at Howie, who nodded in response. They both knew something was going on with both Kevin and Brian. However they too knew that Brian wasn't gonna tell them what it was, Kevin had probably warned him about not telling the guys. Howie returned the gaze at the younger man. They'll talk about it. Later.

After another minute I heard the door burst open, turning around to confirm my hopes, I was right. It was Kevin. Trying my best not to let a sigh of relieve I turned around to look at Kate, my eyes sparkling with easiness. He was back and I was relieve as it was.

"Good to see you're back Kev."

"Sorry, I had to make a phone call." He moved towards the guys. Sitting next to Howie and started talking about the upcoming tour.

Two minutes later Fatima was back and the guys had to get back to practice. Kate and I made our way to the back of the room and watch as the guys kept practicing.

"You were worried about him" she said barely above a whisper.

I only nodded, knowing that my voice may crack.

"Why?"

"Dunno."

"You do know. Why?"

I kept looking over at the guys, Nick made the dance steps flawless. He smiled at me from the mirror, I just couldn't help it and smiled back. Slowly my eyes made their way to the object of my affection. 'He is, and you know it'. I sighed, my mind was playing tricks on me. One moment I think that the best for me is to forget him, a minute later it's telling me that I truly do like him.

Not wanting to think about it I just kept looking at him. His movements were so confident. Like he owned the room. Knowing exactly what to do and how to do it. And God help the body he got. His plain and beautiful chest that was pretty visible under the tight white thank top that he was wearing. His sculpted torso. His well defined six pack, the payoff from the long ours at the gym.

"Answer me." It wasn't a command, actually it sounded more like a plea.

Kate's voice brought my back from my revezie. I turned around and just looked at her. After about a minute she just smiled knowingly. She had just read my thoughts and I knew it. Even if I wanted to deceived myself. Even if I could fool myself into thinking that I didn't feel anything for him, that it was nothing. She knew better. She had just gotten her prove. Slowly she turned around and looked at the guys one more time.

Letting the matter drop I turned around as well. I knew exactly what was coming. Now she knew the truth and she wasn't gonna let me live deceiving myself. She was gonna make me face it.

When the song finished the guys just let out a collective sigh of relieve, they had made it through the whole song without a mistake.

"Good job guys. Now lets do it one more time and you're off."

"Yep!" cheered up Nick, happy that he could finally leave to go with Matt and Kate.

"One, two, three." Fatima counted as the music started again.

Three minutes and half later they had finished the song. Perfect dancing.

"Great guys. Now go!" she said with a smile, happy that the boys could finally relax for a little longer. "Tomorrow. Ten sharp!"

As an answered all she got was a couple of groans. The guys made their way to their bags and were ready to leave.

"Finally!. I'm truly sorry about this, I wish I hadn't made you wait."

"It's ok Nick. After all it was cool seeing you dance."

"But not as much as seeing you dance Matt. You're truly great!"

I blushed at the compliment, I had never been very good at taking compliments. Not to say that I've never had them, besides Kate's that it.

"Ready to go?" I asked changing the subject. The quicker we got out of there, the quicker I could forget about Kevin.

"Sure. Bye guys!" yelled Nick toward where the guys where packing their stuff.

Kate and I just waved at them. I could see that Kevin didn't even looked up from his bag. I could understand... I wasn't really wanting to see him that much.

*****

Fatima had left right after Nick had, she had a meeting to attend to. AJ and Howie left right away saying that they were planning on going to the movies. They had asked Kevin and Brian, but they had both declined.

After Brian saw the door close behind the two band members, he turned around to his older cousin.

"What happened earlier?"

"What do you mean?" his eyes never leaving his bag as he put everything neatly.

"You know what I mean. Why did ya leave so suddenly?" his tone steady, he already knew the answer but wanted Kevin to accept it.

"I had to made a phone call. I remembered saying it." He finished as he zipped his bag and put in his right arm, starting to walk towards the door.

However Brian had another ideas, as he hold on Kevin's arm. "You know it was not that. I know you well enough Kevin."

"Brian" his voice cold, warning the younger man not to say what he gonna say next.

"No Kevin. You left right after Matt helped Nick with the choreography. He was too close to him for your liking, right?"

"I'm warning you Brian. Cut it out. For your own good" his voice as cold as his own stare.

"That was it, wasn't it?. You were jealous."

The older man pulled his arm away from the tight grip his cousin had. "We're not having this conversation." As he resume his way towards the door.

But Brian was quicker, he moved and placed himself between the door and his cousin, his hand on his friend's chest. "You're not leaving."

"I'm so are." He said moving forward.

However Brian stayed put, not letting his older cousin's height intimidate him. "No Kevin. We're having this conversation right here. Right now. Why won't you accept it?"

"There's nothing to accept. Period."

"Why do you like playing this game Kevin. The cat and the mouse. I've asked you a hundred times already and your answer is always the same. Why? I know better Kevin. Damn it!, your reaction to that little incident was more prove that I needed. Why don't you just safe yourself the bother and tell me right away that you like him."

Kevin sighed, he knew that Brian wasn't gonna let this drop.

"Talk to me Kevin. I know it's killing you not being able to. Why won't you talk with me? You used to talk with me before... about Greg." he finished with his voice barely audible. He saw Kevin flinched at the name.

"This is different." He mumbled.

"Why is it so different. Because he's a lot younger than you, because you've just met him, because maybe you're liking him a lot more than you liked Greg."

Brian's last words truly set Kevin off, as he turned around and towered towards the shorter man. His green eyes full of anger and despair. "He's not Greg. He COULD never be Greg."

His blue eyes looked up at the green ones of his older cousin. If he had been asked if that pair of green eyes were his cousin's, he didn't know if he had guess. His always calm and easy going eyes, the reassurance than more than one of the guys would need from time to time was gone, replaced only by hate and anger. Even fear. He had never his Kevin like his, never in his life. He had seen him mad enough times, whenever one of the guys made something completely foolish or perfectly stupid, but this was so different. He knew that whatever had happened with Greg was deep. And that it had hurt Kevin in more ways than one.

"What did he do to you Kev?, what did he do to hurt you this bad?", he was just too concerned about him to let this matter drop.

"Nothing." he said as he gathered his coolness. "Nothing."

Slowly Brian placed his hand on Kevin's arm. "At least accept that you're in love with Matt, that's all I'm asking."

Kevin looked at his cousin. He was right. Someway he had fallen in love with the younger man. So deep in love that he didn't know if he could denied it any longer.

"See you tomorrow in practice." The older man said as he made his way towards the door.

This time, however, Brian didn't stop him. He knew it was true, he even knew that Kevin accepted it as well. All he needed was for Kevin to say it aloud. He just needed time. Time.

*****

The three of us made our way towards Kate's car. However I was a little concerned about Nick's car, I didn't know if he'd like to leave it there.

"Did you brought yours?"

"Nope, I came here with Brian. Thought you'd bring your car." Answered smiling back at me.

"Good thinking kiddo." commented Kate as she made her way towards the driver's seat and opened up the car.

"This car yours?" asked Nick with a confused expression.

I smiled at him as I opened up the back seat door. Nick and I got in there, I thought it wouldn't be polite for me to sit on the passenger sit with him in the back.

"Nope, it's Kate's. Mine is the black 4Runner"

"Oh, right! The one you had when you went shopping"

I nodded in answer. "So, what do we do now?"

"Dunno. I'm cool with whatever you wanna do."

Kate looked at us from the rearview mirror. "What ya say if we go to the house and just hang out there for a while."

"Cool!" he said in a very chipper voice. "Your place is really great. The area is pretty secluded so it'd be difficult to be spotted."

"Yeah, my parents thought about it as well. They are kinda paranoid about the whole 'protection' part. The house has a great alarm system, it can only be deactivated by a code and a keycard."

"Are you sure you wanna go to the house? We could just postponed it, you must be tired." Commented Kate from the drivers seat.

"Nah!, I've got an extra change of clothes in my gym bag. When I got to your place, can I use your bathroom for a moment?"

"Sure." With that I turned around and started talking with Nick about the first season while Kate focus on the road.

Half an hour later we were pulling in the house driveway. After Kate had placed the BMW next to the 4Runner we made our way to the living room.

"The bathroom is that way" she said pointing to the room at the end of the hallway.

"Thanks, I'll be out in a minute"

I sighed, suddenly feeling very tired. Walking towards the kitchen I could feel Kate right behind my heels. I opened the fridge and took out a bottle of grape Gatorade. Usually I'd drink them after swimming, but right now it was all I wanted. We stood there for a while, I was just looking at the opened Gatorade and I was sure that she was looking at me.

"It's time you accept it." I heard her say.

Still with my back to her I closed my eyes, I didn't want to talk about this. "Drop it"

"No. I saw it Matt, I saw it in your eyes. You not only like him, but I could pretty easy bet that you're in love with him."

"You suck in bets." The humor evident in my voice as I tried to ease the atmosphere.

"I can assure you that this is one that I'll win."

"What gives you such a confidence."

"That you can't denied it any longer. Kevin fell because you were looking at each other"

I almost choke at the Gatorade when she said that, I didn't know she was looking.

"I was looking." she said as she read my mind. "It was too obvious to anyone that at least he feels something for you too."

Finally I turned around, I knew where she was heading and I was gonna try my hardest to stop her in her tracks. "You know that can't be. You know it."

"Will you stop this crap once and for all! Damn it Matt! Things are different now. You have to believe it to be able to move on."

"I can't. I won't"

"Then it's your own choice." her voice as cold as two years ago. I didn't even wanna go into that.

"Let me remind you that I don't have one!" I yelled at her, I didn't wanna keep talking about it.

"Yes you do!, you don't know for sure if he's straight, you have to talk with him."

"No. Period."

"Then you're loosing your only shot at love."

"Then I am." I said convinced at my own words. But how long will it take for my conviction to crack?

She made her way towards me and started caressing my cheek with the back of her hand. "You're a lovely person Matthew, I'm sure he'd see that too. If only you give him the chance."

"I..."

"I know you don't wanna risk it, but I think it's a little bit too late, right? You're in love with him." She stated.

"No... I can't." I tried to argue, but someway I knew it was pointless.

"You know you are." Her voice full of love and kindness. I still didn't know what I've done to deserve such a friend like her.

"She's right." we both heard a voice said.

I could pretty easy tell you that my blood just froze in my veins in that moment. So very slowly both of us turned around to see Nick standing on the doorway. He had already change and looked a lot more presentable.

Neither of us said anything. I was hoping against hope that he hadn't heard our conversation, but one look at his face and I knew different.

"You are in love with him."

"You didn't hear." I tried to convinced not only him, but myself as well.

"I did." His voice was so calm it was starting to get on my nerves. I mean, here he is, he just heard that I'm in love with a guy. Hopefully he didn't hear the name.

He stood there, just looking at us looking at him. "I was thinking it was just my imagination, but I guess it wasn't. Not only do you like him, as I had thought, but you're also in love with him."

"No. I'm not. You're right, it WAS the product of your imagination."

"Then Kate and I have a very vivid imagination, 'cause both of us have seen the same things." He said with a smile.

I sighed, it was enough to have Kate against me. Now I also had Nick.

"You didn't hear anything. And whatever you heard, it was nothing. Nothing's going on."

"Then why am I so sure that you DO love Kevin?"

I gasped as I heard the name. I couldn't deal with it, not all at once.

"Yeah, I heard the name too. And Kate's right, you do love him."

"Will you both stop it!" I yelled angry. "I have enough with Kate down my throat telling something that I KNOW it's a lie! I don't love him! I can't love him. And even if I did... and let me warn you that I do not, he'd never love me back. I will not face the reality when it hits me in the face. I'd rather face it now and forget about it."

"No, you stop it! You love him. Period. I know you can work things out. I know you can make it work. You just have to fight for it." Kate yelled back at me. I knew she was loosing her coolness, she used to get like this when I was in the edge of self destruction.

"There's too much at stake. I won't risk it. I won't risk my sanity for him or for anyone for that matter. You made me make a promise and I'm planning on keeping it. But I can't assure that the temptation won't be too much if you take me right to it. It will be you who decide it in the end. I'm perfectly happy as I am right now. I promised, but I don't know if I could keep it after everything that WILL happen."

"I know you'll keep it. And what makes you think that everything will be disastrous? I believe in my heart that something good could come up within this. At least you've got to try."

I feel suddenly exhausted. I wasn't planning on having this conversation with her. Let alone with Nick as a witness... all I wanted was to go to my bed and lay down. I knew that the despair I felt would go away. But not the emptiness in my heart. I hated it, because she was right. Someway I knew I had to talk with him. But I wasn't gonna give in yet.

Turning around I placed my flat palms against the coldness of the sink. I needed support in that moment.

Kate sighed, she knew she had gone far enough. She knew my limits and had pushed every single button. 'Just accept this Matty, please. That's all I'm asking for'

Turning around she looked at Nick, her brown eyes finding the baby blues of the older man. She knew they had just found friend. A very good friend. Nick would be a great part of whatever was to happen. "How close are you to Kevin?"

Nick was brought out of his reverie by Kate's voice. He had been lost for a moment. He had known that something was going on between Brian and Kevin for sometime now. What? That was the question. "Huh?"

"How close are you to Kevin?"

"As close as you can be when you're on the road with someone for 8 years. However that doesn't help too much with a character like him."

"What do you mean?" her curiosity kicking in.

He had to laugh at her response. One moment she was fighting tooth and nail with Matt, trying to make him see the obvious, another one she's living up her age. 'She's 18 after all Nick. Even though she sometimes behaves like she's older than Kevin'.

"He's a very private person. Even Brian, being his cousin, doesn't know all about him. After his father died, he kinda closed up even more. Brian used to talk with the rest of us how Kevin used to be very carefree before the word 'cancer' came into his world. Then it just got worse. I couldn't tell you how many times Kevin has been there for us, to keep us out of trouble. But I doubt we'd know wherever or not Kevin is in trouble."

"What about dating? Has he been seeing someone lately?"

"Not that I know of. But as I told you, even if he was dating, I don't think we'd know unless he truly feels like he needs to introduce that person to us."

"Person? Shouldn't it be girl?" she was trying to find as much information as she could without looking nosy.

"Couldn't tell you about it. I know he's dated girls, he's always with a girl for any of the awards we go. He's even been engaged once when he was younger. But he hasn't had what you'd call a serious relationship. Not that I'm aware off at least."

"So you wouldn't know if he's gay or bi?"

"Nope, sorry." Nick looked towards me. I hadn't move for a while and he was starting to get worried. However he also knew that if something was wrong, Kate'd be by my side in a second. After all, she knew me the best. "I don't think he'd tell us if he was indeed gay."

"He wouldn't trust you?" indignation shown in her voice.

"No, is not that. As I told you, he's very private when it comes to his private life. If anything it had gotten worst after we made it big here. He hates being under the microscope as much as he hates not being able to rule his own life. That's what he just can't endure of this life. I don't think he'd tell us unless he's found 'the one', so to speak."

"Why would that be?"

"The scrutiny. We're pretty protective of each other. Even though Kevin is the worst of us all, we still watch each other's back. If someone was dating, we'd probably have a full interrogation before even picturing the person. We'd be paying very close attention to whatever happens."

"I wish we knew at least if he's gay." She whispered.

"I could always ask."

That was it, I was tired enough of their conversation. Talking about stuff that didn't matter to any of them. It was my life and I had already made my call. I wasn't gonna talk about it anymore.

I turned around and glared at them. I was tired and Kate could tell. "No, you will not ask him. This is the end of this conversation."

"Matt---" Kate tried to argue, but I wasn't gonna let her win this one.

"No. Do both of you hear me? You will not talk about it anymore. We will not talk about it anymore. There's nothing to talk about. Even if he's gay, we will not have this conversation ever again." I let out a tiny sigh. "Understood?"

Nick looked over at Kate, I think he was asking her for permission. She nodded at me and Nick did the same.

"Good. Now let head over to the living room and enjoy the rest of the afternoon." I said as I walked out. I truly didn't care if they follow me or not, I was tired of their talking about my life.

As I left the room Nick turned around to Kate. "What do we do now?"

She smiled knowingly. "We just wait, he'll get over it."

Nick looked at my retrieving back and nodded to. He was gonna have to do some research, even if I didn't approve it.

*****

Kevin let out a sigh of relieve as he entered his house. It had taken him a long forty minutes to get there. He had to drive pretty slowly, afraid that with everything running through his mind he couldn't be able to think quickly if it was needed.

Placing his gym bag on the floor near the couch, he made his way towards the kitchen. He needed a drink. He had come to realized that he was starting to drink a little bit too much. He had started ever since the incident with Greg.

Don't go there. Is not gonna help you.

Trying to forget about it, he poured himself a glass of scotch on the rocks. He wasn't very keen on drinks, but he did like the taste of the scotch.

Walking towards the living room again he noticed that it wasn't that late, it was barely before six in the afternoon. He could pretty easily go out and have some fun after taking a shower and sleeping a little bit.

Have some fun. It had been long enough since he'd done that. Not that he hadn't gone clubbing ever since it happened. He had. He had even gone clubbing a little more than he used to. Whatever it took not to be alone in his room at night. Anything but it. The haunting images were just too much for him to bare. And talking with one of the guys was completely out of the question. The only one who knew about him being gay was Brian and he didn't want to torment his younger cousin with the knowledge he had.

Taking a hold on the remote he turned on the TV and started flipping through channels. Nothing interesting was on. Nothing that he was interested in at least. With a sigh he turned off the TV once again.

That night.

He had wished he could forget all about it so many times he had totally lost count. Had it only been eight months? For him it seemed like an eternity.

Eternity in hell.

He closed his eyes shut. He couldn't think about it. Not again. Not now. Not there. Quickly he covered his face with his hands, trying to shill himself from the horrible images of that night.

No, he thought. Please no.

He could feel his heart pounding in his chest so fast he was sure it was gonna be shuttle out of his body. Sweat was starting to form in his forehead. A couple of drops already visible in his fury eyebrows.

Not again. Please, no.

Too late.

Suddenly he was back to that horrible night eight months ago. It was like it had been yesterday. Like he was relieving it all over again. Had he ever left? He didn't think so. It was always there. And it always be there.

He had been so happy that he could finally see Greg. It had been long enough since the last time they had had time alone. It was even more difficult because he had to lie to the others. He could be with him, even if it was only for a day.

He had called him and left him a message on his answering machine telling him that he was back in Orlando for the day and that he'd be in his house. He had asked Greg to go there.

As he had arrived he had been surprised that Greg was already there. Not that it was that much of a surprise, since he had a key to Kevin's house. But it hadn't been more than 2 hours since he had left the message.

Static that he could be alone with the one he loved the most, he had made his way towards where Greg was sitting and had kissed him passionately. Completely forgetting about tomorrow's schedule or about the fact that he had to leave the next day. He was there with his boyfriend and that all he cared about in that moment.

He had finally pulled apart when his lungs where complaining about the lack of oxygen. Smiling broadly he had settle down on the couch and cuddle up to Greg. It had been too long since he had been able to do that. Way too long for his liking.

I missed you, Kevin whispered his head never leaving its place in broad chest of the other man.

I missed you too. It's been long enough.

Yeah, I know. I'm so sorry. The schedule had just been too hectic.

Slowly Greg had started stroking Kevin's hair, while his other hand was running up and down his arm. It's ok. You're here now. That's all that matters.

I love you so much, Kevin stated, his words never being truer.

I know. I love you too, was his answer.

They had stayed like that, silence surrounding them, for the longest time. Kevin had been dreading to tell him that he was going to leave the next day. He had never wanted to just leave everything behind so much as he had in that moment.

How long are you staying this time?

Kevin sighed, he knew what was going to come. It was always the same. Greg always pressed for more time together. For freedom. But Kevin just couldn't give him that. They had fought over that so many nights for so long, he just couldn't do it again. And what had continue after the fights. The harsh words that Greg had said to him, had hurt deeply. But that hadn't been the end of it. Greg had very little temper and could be lost so very easy. Not having his boyfriend with him 24/7 was one of the reasons to lose his temper.

He knew Greg loved him. He had apologize every time he had hit him. It had never been that hard. A slap here. A punch there. He had gotten a couple of bruises in his shoulders and arms, but a long sleeve shirt could do the trick. No one new about the abuse. Not even Brian. He had had to change in the bathroom or very quickly before the others in the concerts. But it was worth it. Greg loved him and that was all that matter. Or so had he thought.

Just today. We're heading back to the tour tomorrow afternoon.

Kevin felt Greg stiffen under him.

He had gotten him mad.

He knew what was gonna come. The yelling. The cursing... the hitting. However this time it was different. Greg didn't got mad at him. He didn't even complained about it.

Ok, was his only answer.

Kevin let out a sigh of relieve. He didn't want to get into a fight when they only had that night to be together. He wanted to spend it just like he was doing it. In the arms of the man he loved.

However things wouldn't be his way. Not in a long shot.

I wish you could stay longer, he had said after a while.

Kevin closed his eyes. He had thought it had been the end of their conversation. But it looked like Greg had other plans.

I know. I wished I could too.

You know you could if you really wanted to.

Pulling away from the comfort of his chest, Kevin sat straight. You know I would if I could.

You would if you wanted to.

That's not true, he complained. I want to be here with you as much as you want me too.

Then do it. Don't go tomorrow, stay here with me. Stay here for a week.

Kevin sighed. It was going to be the same.

You know I can't. We've got a concert tomorrow evening.

That's 'cause you don't want to stay.

Greg. I really want to stay. But I've got responsibilities to fulfill.

Greg had sighed and stood up. Walking towards the fire place in the living room, placing his hands in the cold shelf.

Why do you wanna go so bad? Why can't you just stay here longer?

Kevin had walked towards him, encircling his waist with his arms and resting his head in his back. I really wanna stay. You've got to believe me. I just can't.

Greg had turned around so suddenly, Kevin had almost lost his balance. Anger could be seen in his deep brown eyes. You love that stupid group more than me. That's all.

The dark haired man looked up at this boyfriend. Hurt visible in his piercing green eyes. I love you. But singing is my career.

What is it so appealing in the touring? What is it that you love so much?

I love to perform. Singing is my life Greg. Please, understand, his tone changed considerably, became pleading. He didn't want to get into a fight. Not tonight.

/You're always on tour. You're never here./

/You knew that was my job before you started going out with me./

/Because I thought we still could be together./

/We can be together. We're just apart most of the time. I love you. I know we can make this work./

/Can we really? How can we have a relationship when you are never here?/

/We can. It's gonna be hard, but we can./

/I don't think so. We're always away. You're probably cheating on me./

/I'd never cheat on you. I love you/ Kevin had tried to convince him.

/Do you really? You're probably fucking around all the time./

/That's not true!/

Greg had grabbed Kevin by the collar of his shirt and had pulled him against the wall, keeping him there by his steady hand. /Who is it? Huh? Is it that kid Nick? Do you like them young?/

Kevin had trouble breathing, Greg's had was too tight against his throat. /I'm not cheating on you./

But Greg had heard no reasons. /Is it that wild guy? AJ? Do you like them rough?/

/I swear Greg. I'm not cheating on you. You've got to believe me!/

Greg had hold Kevin with one hand and thrown him over to the floor. His head hitting loudly on the floor. His arms trying to give him some support.

/Do you like them rough? I'm gonna give you rough./ he had said as he straddled over Kevin's back. His hands making his way down Kevin's back. His eyes roaming his broad shoulders.

/Greg. Please. Don't/ he had begged.

/I'm gonna give you rough and you're gonna like it/

Forcefully he had ripped Kevin's shirt. His tanned back visible as his hands made his way down to Kevin's pants.

/No. Please. Don't/ he kept begging.

Greg's hands had found Kevin's zipper and he pulled it down, revealing his boxers under his steady glare.

Kevin had closed his eyes as shut as he was able to. He had tried to get lost somewhere deep within his memory. Anywhere but there. He hadn't wanted to hear Greg curse under his breath as it was difficult for him to pulled Kevin's pants down. He hadn't wanted to hear Greg yelled in pleasure as he forced himself into Kevin. He hadn't wanted to hear Greg scream in ecstasy as he shot his load inside Kevin.

But most of all. He hadn't wanted to feel the unbearable pain that shot through his whole body.

After Greg had been finished with him, he had put his pants up and had glared at his body. Beaten and bloodied in the floor.

/You were a good fuck/ his voice full of cockiness. /Yeah. You were good. I'm done with you./ he had said as he made his way towards the door and slammed it in his way out.

Kevin had stayed there, in the floor completely naked for the longest time. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to move. He didn't want to feel. After what had seemed like forever he had stood up and walked towards his room. Turning on the shower he had stepped in and stood there, under the running water, for as long as he could remember.

He had felt so dirty. So used. So low. Greg. His boyfriend. The person he thought loved him had just raped him and he hadn't done anything to stopped him.

/You are not worth it. You're not worth even my time./ he had said as he had fucked him.

Trying to hold himself with his hands against the tittle walls, he had fell to the floor, his legs giving up under him. He had curled up in a tiny ball and had stayed there for hours. The water hitting him in the head and all over his body, washing away the sweat and blood. But not the feeling inside of disgusting of himself.

Within the early morning hours, he had made his way towards his bed. Laying there, clutching his legs to his chest, he had cried himself dried.

He had trusted and loved one person. And he had only received pain and sorrow.

The next day he had gone to the airport to meet with the guys like nothing had happened. Telling Brian that they were never to talk about Greg, he had dropped the subject. He just couldn't bring himself to tell him that he had been used in such a low way. He couldn't even begin to accept the fact that he wasn't worth loving. Worth caring for.

He opened his eyes with a startle. He was back in his house. In the living room. His breathing was irregular and he could feel his heart beating a hundred miles per hour.

'It's ok. Everything is over'

He was sweating all over and he could even fell some moisture in his eyes and cheeks. He was crying. He had been doing that a lot more in the past few months.

'I can't cry. I won't cry'

But his eyes didn't seem to listen, as his tears started falling more and more by the minute. Without other choice he placed his arms around his legs and rested his head in the couch. Quietly crying over what he had lost. Not only his self respect, but his ability to love and be loved.

*****

It was late in the evening by the time Nick, Kate and I realized what time it was. We had been playing Nintendo, cards and whatever we could get our hands on for the past ours. 'Just being kids' as Nick had put it. I was having fun. The whole 'Kevin' subject had been forgotten long ago. Right after I told them to forget it.

As Nick made his way towards the door, he turned around. "I wish we could do this tomorrow"

"We can get together tomorrow again, if you want." had offered Kate.

"Yeah, that'd be so cool!"

I had to laugh at his antics, even though he was two years older than us, he could behave like he was five. "We can always go to the club."

"The club?"

"We're part of a very private club. Our parent's idea. They thought that being in a country club could help us socialize a little bit more. But we only go there ought to the pool."

"Yeah, it's a great pool. I could spend a whole day there."

"Matt, you have." Her voice full of humor as she remember one time that I just didn't want to leave the pool.

I just grinned at her, what could I say? I just loved the water.

"Ok, then it's settle. Tomorrow we're going to the club. Do I tell the guys?"

I hesitated at his question. I didn't want to have to face Kevin. But I also knew that Nick would want the guys there. "Sure."

Both Nick and Kate looked over at me. "Great. I'll tell them."

Planning on meeting them at four, after practice, he said his goodbyes and left.

"You sure about this?"

I shrugged, I wasn't sure about anything anymore. "I don't know. I just wanna go to the pool."

"I know you do Matt. I know you do." She said smiling at me.

'Everything will be fine' I told myself. 'Ok, now all you have to do is believe it'