Sideshow Bob Starring in the Simpsons

Sideshow Bob Roberts (#2F02)

The Summary:

Sideshow Bob joins the Springfield Republican party, and runs against Joe Quimby for mayor. He wins, but only through electoral fraud. Naturally, Bart and Lisa expose him and he is sent off to jail, again.

The Cast:

STARRING: Sideshow Bob, Bart, Lisa, "Diamond" Joe Quimby.
ALSO: Homer, Marge, the Judge, Grandpa Simpson, Smithers.
CAMEOS: Mr. Burns, Principal Skinner, Jimbo, Milhouse, Mrs. Krabappel, Dr. Hibbert, The Ivory dealer, Lionel Hutz, goodness knows who else.
GUEST-STARS: Birch Barlow.

The Show:

Homer is listening to KBBL, "No talk, no sports, no information! For mindless chatter, we're your station!" The dj announces Birch Barlow's show.
CARL: "Eech - that Barlow's a right-wing crackpot. He said Ted Kennedy lacked integrity - can you believe that?"
LENNY: "Yeah, change the station. I consider myself politically correct. His views make me...uncomfortable."
HOMER: "No no no guys, now I'm not very political. I usually think that people who vote are a bit...fruity. But for some reason this Birch Barlow really speaks to me." He starts eating doughnuts...

...and we cut to Birch, who's partaking of the exact same thing. He starts to argue that Joe Quimby is running Springfield irresponsibly.

At home, Lisa is listening to Birch, but Marge doesn't want her to (she thinks that he's too controversial). Lisa insists that it's part of her school project. Bart says he has a school project, and pulls out some fireworks, which Marge ruins and throws away. Later that day, Bart gets in trouble when there are no fireworks for the sending-off party of some visiting Japanese principals.

Meanwhile, Lisa and Homer are in the car, listening to Barlow. Lisa asks Homer to change it, because she had to listen to Birch all day, but Homer tells her that while he's driving, they have to listen to his station.
Cut to Lisa driving the car. They're listening to a somewhat sissy rock song on the radio. Homer can't stand the music anymore, and makes them Lisa quit driving so he can go back to Birch Barlow. Now Birch announces a call from South Springfield, "Hello Birch, long-time listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican party. It's high time the public realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny-hatemongers and Charlie Bible-thumps or even, God forbid, George Bushes."
Lisa exclaims, "That sounds like Sideshow Bob!"
"Yes ma'am, Sideshow Bob, yakkin' it up on the old yak box." Homer replies.
"Dad, I'll spare you the embarrasment of admitting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is."
"Whew!"
Now Lisa reminds Homer that Sideshow Bob framed Krusty and tried to kill Selma. They arrive home and Lisa runs into Bart's room.
"Bart your mortal enemy is on the radio!"
Bart turns the radio on, "It's time for more deeee-mentia with Dr. Demento!" Bart screams and throws the radio out the window.
"I meant your other mortal enemy - Sideshow Bob." says Lisa
"Oh," replies Bart, "I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies."

At the Springfield retirement castle Mayor Quimby is discussing his plans to build a new expressway. The seniors aren't happy, they want sleep, sexy dames, and most of all, Matlock. So Quimby suggests calling the expressway "The Matloc Expressway". That seems to calm them down.

We join Bart at school, where he's listening to Birch's program (which Sideshow Bob happens to be calling).
BOB: "...but it would be terribly myopic of me to blame all my current woes on one spikey-haired little simpleton."
BIRCH: "Mmm-hmmm - myopic, or to say the least, intransigent." (that means unreconcilable) "Now you mentioned some woes, there."
BOB: "Well, you see Birch, I'm presently incarcerated..." we cut to a scene in Springfield maximum security prison where Bob is on the phone in the middle of a riot, "Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit! Huh! "Attempted murder" Now honestly, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?" At this point Bob is forced to duck a flying toilet, and he yells at the thrower, "Oh really now, this is a personal call!"
Birch starts to speak to his listeners, "My-my-my friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here, railroaded by our liberal justice system. Just like...Colenel Oliver North, Officer Stacey Koon, and cartoon "smokesperson" Joe Camel. Well I've had it! I'm going to make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free."
Back in class with Bart: "NOOOOOO!"
"Well despite Bart's objections," says Mrs. Krabapel, "the people of South Africa can now vote in free Democratic elections."

Now we go to Moe's Tavern, where the barflies are listening to Birch's program. He asks for his listeners to do everything they can to get Bob out of jail. Moe says, "All right, you heard the man. One grenade each."
"Moe, I think he meant through non-violent grassroots political action." points out Barney.
"Ah jeez, really? You think so?" wonders Moe, "All right give 'em back. Come on everybody give 'em back. Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?"

A newspaper shows up suggesting that Sideshow Bob's release has become the number one political issue in Springfield. Quimby states, "Very well, if that's the way the winds are blowing, let nobody say that I don't also blow."

Cut to Bob leaving prison, while Quimby does a voice-over: "By special order of the Mayor of Springfield you are hereby granted a full and complete pardon. Congrats, Robert Underdunk Terwilliger."
Bob walks straight towards the "camera" then falls down. We see that he's fallen off the edge of a cliff into the ocean, and a guard yells, "Boat's on the other side."
"Yes, thank you." responds Bob.

Inside the Republican Party Headquarters (which looks like an ancient castle on a stormy night), we find Smithers serving drinks to Rainier Wolfcastle, Birch Barlow, and a Vampire. The Ivory dealer, Burns' lawyer, and Dr. Hibbert are also there.
Mr. Burns enters and says, "Hail, brothers, Coranon Silaria Ozoo Mahoke."
"Mahoke." replies the crowd.
Burns now tells the group that if they want to beat Quimby in the next election they need to find, "A true leader who will do exactly as he's told."
Birch says that he is way ahead of Burns, and instructs the group to look behind a door, where they will see the next Mayor of Springfield. Smithers opens the door, and we see a water cooler. Everyone applauds.
Birch corrects them and asks Sideshow to come in. Bob enters, with an American flag draped around him. "A fine Mahoke to you all." he says.
Dr. Hibbert says, "Why he's even better." (than the water cooler)
"I agree. I like the human touch." adds Rainier.

Later, Quimby and Sideshow Bob meet for a debate on education, outside of Springfield Elementary School.
Bob says, "Hello children. Hello Bart."
"Eep." Bart whispers.
Now Bob says, "Young friends, my opponent, Joe Quimby is confused about your school system. Do you know what he does? He flip flops!" Sideshow starts doing flips around the field and continues, "Sometimes he doesn't know whether he's coming or going." Bob points both ways and crab-walks back and forth, as the kids start to cheer, "He wants to sell your future short." Bob finishes, squating down inside his coat and waddling around on the ground.
Lisa tells Bart, "We can't let Bob steal the spotlight. We're gonna have to stoop to the lowest common denominator."
"I can do that."
Both kids run over to Mayor Quimby and start hugging him. He yells, "Ah! Help! I'm being attacked by, Uh...things!" the cameras all turn to him as Bart and Lisa start to giggle.
Lisa now says, "Uncle Mayor was just saying that us kids are the most important natural resource we have!"
"More important than coal?" asks Kent Brockman.
"Ah, eh, uh - yes!" answers Quimby
Now Bart is snatched away by goons, and taken to Bob's Limo. Bob tells him, "Oh that was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it." Sideshow Bob snaps his fingers, and the goons reach into their coats, where they pull out campaign pins for Bob, and stick them on Bart's shirt.
The Limo dumps Bart outside his house. Then a red car with Archie, Jughead, Reggie and Moose pulls up, and they kick Homer out. Moose says, "Duh...stay out of Riverdale!"

A television advertisement for Quimby appears with a jingle: "Without a Mayor Quimby our town would really stink. We wouldn't have a tire yard or a mid-size roller rink. We wouldn't have our gallows, or a shiny bigfoot trap. It's not the Mayor's fault that the Stadium collapsed." An announcer says, "Quimby - if you were running for Mayor, he'd vote for you."

We find Bart and Lisa campaigning for Quimby. Jimbo comes up to them and says, "Yeah, I love Grimby!" then asks for more bumper stickers. He goes and puts the one he gets on Milhouse (who is literally wrapped in them), then says, "The mummy is ready for his mystical journey!" and shoves the shopping cart Milhouse is in down a hill.

Back at the retirement castle, Grandpa tells Bob, "That Quimby guy promised to build us a Matlock Expressway. How are you going to top that, smart guy?"
Sideshow Bob thinks for a moment, "Hmm - well how's this? I'll not only build the expressway, I will spend the remainder of this afternoon patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes."
"Hot-diggity-damn!" shouts Grandpa, "Me first! Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then. Just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. 'A' he'd say. Then 'B'. 'C' would usually follow...

Now we go to a commercial for Sideshow Bob, "Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for Mayor."

At the church, Larry King is moderating "The League of Uninformed Voters Presents: The Springfield Mayoral Debates." Larry advises the audience that even though they are on Fox, they don't need to hoot and holler. So everyone starts hooting and hollering.
Quimby is feeling a bit sick, and stumbles on to stage after taking a bunch of discount, extra-drowsy flu medicine.
Birch is asking the questions for the debate, "Sideshow Bob, Coucilman Les Whinen says that you're not experienced enough to be Mayor. What do you say about that?"
Bob says, "I would say Les Whinen ought to do more thinking, and less whinin'!"
Everyone laughs, but Lisa realizes that Les Whinen doesn't exist.
Now Birch goes over to Quimby, "Mayor Quimby, you are well known, sir for your lenient stance on crime, but suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths, you try to open the door but there's too much blood on the knob..."
"What is your question?" Quimby asks.
"My question's about the budget, sir."
At this point, Quimby groans, and runs his hand through his hair, which messes it up to make it look like he's the devil. Bart and Lisa look at a TV which is displaying what is being broadcast to the viewers, and see a ring of flames around his face. A caption appears saying, "Flames added electronically by channel 6."

We go to the ballots. Homer walks into a voting booth and says, "Hmmm...I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do agree with his Selma killing policy." then votes for Bob.
Krusty is in the next booth, "Well, he framed me for armed robbery, but man...I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut!"

At Quimby's campaign headquarters, everyone watches as Kent Brockman reports the results. Sideshow Bob got 100% of the vote, and Mayor Quimby got 1%.
Everyone but the Simpsons leave as Sideshow Bob prepares to make his victory speech: "Huh-heh-heh-heh. Aahhh ha-ha-ha-ha ha ha. AAAAAHHH-Hah Ha!"
KENT: "And just look at how happy he is!"

Homer wakes up one morning to hear loud crashing outside of the house, "AAH! It's the rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!" he then runs outside and find Sideshow Bob on his lawn.
"So sorry, Mr. Simpson, your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway. Now I am a fair man. You will have seventy-two hours to vacate. At that time we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons."

At school, Principal Skinner tells Bart that he is going to be sent bakc to kindergarten.
We find Bart in class, where he easily gets the answer to the teacher's question, "Who knows what this is?" (It was a triangle). Bart gets first choice of toys for free play
"Cool! I call the Flinstone phone!"
He picks up the phone, and hears, "Yabba-dabba-doo! I like talkin' to you!"
"Yeeuhee-hee!"

We join the Simpsons at supper-time. Homer says, "We're going to lose our house and end up living under a bridge like common trolls!"
Lisa doesn't think that Bob won the election fairly, so she goes to the library. They have a list of all of the voters, and who each voted for (so much for the secret ballot).
Late that night, someone drops an envelope by Lisa as she sleeps. She wakes up and is surprised at the contents.

The next night, Bart, Lisa and Homer go to meet the informant in a parking garage.
"This is so cool Bart, we're just like Woodward and Bernstein."
"Yeah, except their dad wasn't in the car reading Archie comics."
Homer is in the car and grumbles, "Stuck up Riverdale punks, think they're too good for me."
They meet the informant, who hides in the shadows. He tells them they're on the right track...when Homer suddenly pulls up and shines his headlights on the informant - Smithers.

The Simpsons give Smithers a ride home, and he tells them that he's uncomfortable going behind Burns' back, but Sideshow Bob's conservative views conflict with Smithers' choice of lifestyle. He then tells the kids to look for Edgar Neubauer.
Bart and Lisa look everywhere, but can't find Edgar. Until Bart notices his grave in the cemetary, "Oh my God! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!"
Lisa realizes that Bob rigged the election. While she and Bart go to meet him in court, Marge and Homer defend their home from bulldozers and wrecking balls.

Now in court, Lionel Hutz asks Sideshow Bob if he rigged the election.
"No, I did not." says Bob.
Lionel looks at Bart and Lisa, "Kids, help." The kids look at the judge, who shrugs and looks at Bob.
"Oh, I don't mind, we want these children to feel justice has been served. That way they can sleep soundly tonight on their hard, feculent, Motel pillows. Well Bart, Lisa...here I am!"
Lisa has a plan, and says, "You know Sideshow Bob, I believe you when you say you're innocent."
"Indeed I am." says Bob.
Lisa continues, "Because we all know you're a naive pawn -- puppet if you will -- of the most diabolical political genius Springfield has ever known! Birchibald T. Barlow!"
Everyone gasps and looks at Birch, who mumbles and looks guilty. Lisa drives onward, saying that Bob is too stupid to rig an election himself. Bart joins in and they both start to make fun of Bob.
"Enough!" shouts Sideshow, "Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all!"
Once again, the audience gasps.
"There, is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?"
"We want the truth!" says Bart.
"The truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!"
The Judge asks Bob, "Will you get to the point?"
"Yes! Only I could have executed such a masterpiece of eletoral fraud! And I have the records to prove it! Here, just look at these!" (pulling out records) "Each one a work of Machiavellian art!"
"But why?" asks the Judge.
Bob accuses, "Because you need me Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a King! That's why I did this. To protect you from yourselves! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run."
"Balifs, place the mayor under arrest." the Judge says.
"What?" wonders Bob, "Oh yes, all that stuff I did."
Bart and Lisa celebrate, although Bart is sad that he won't find out who the dish ran away with in Kindergarten now.

We see Sideshow Bob grumbling as he reads a newspaper, "Some day I'll have my vengeance. Some day, when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool." The camera zooms out to reveal a fancy minimum security prison. Some men in a row-boat invite him to be their "ninth" in a competition against some Princeton Alumni. "Princeton?" Bob says, "Eeeugheeeughheee." then he runs over to join them.

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