Sideshow Bob Starring in the Simpsons

Black Widower (#8F20)

The Summary:

Sideshow Bob gets out of jail and begins an evil plot to marry Selma and murder her for her money. Bart's suspicious nature eventually foils the villain.

The Cast:

STARRING: Sideshow Bob, Bart Simpson and Selma.
ALSO: Homer, Marge, Lisa, Patti, Krusty the Clown, Chief Wiggum.
CAMEOS: Maggie, Kent Brockman, Rev.Lovejoy, Snake, Dennis, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Apu, Moe, Barney, Grandpa Simpson.

The Show:

Homer, Bart and Lisa are watching a "Dinosaurs" parody. Lisa claims that the characters are more like real people than most shows starring real people, when Marge and Patti come in. Patti wants to warn the family about Selma's new boyfriend, whom she is bringing to dinner. It turns out that Selma met him through the prison pen-pals program. Bart is impressed, but not for long.
Selma shows up, and says, "Everyone, I'd like you to meet..." at which point her boyfriend reveals himself to be Sideshow Bob.
The kids scream and hide behind Marge. Bob says, "Selma, dear, I'm afraid the children's reaction is quite understandable. You see, Bart here is the shamus in shorts who sent me to prison."
Bart tells Aunt Selma that Sideshow framed Krusty, and she looks a little bit shocked. But things are about to change.

The family is sitting down to dinner, and Homer tells Sideshow Bob, "Gee, if a snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first day out, I'd find out where he lived and tear him a new belly-button!" Homer starts to make stabbing motions with his butter knife, "Err- lousy snitch!" Bart laughs, nervously.
"Ah Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha." Bob says.
"Am not!" replies Homer
Sideshow says, "Yes you are. One, existence is suffering. Two the cause of suffering is desire. In this case, my desire to do high-quality children's programming."

Now we flash-back to Bob working on a chain gang: "When prison put and end to that dream, I became a seething cauldron of rage and recrimination."
As Sideshow Bob picks up and squashes a cup from Krusty Burger, a car appears on the horizon. Inside, we find Krusty with a woman and his chimp. The chimp steals a Krusty Burger cup from his master, and throws it out the window, where it hits Bob right in the head.
"When I was nominated for best supporting performer in a children's program by the daytime Emmy Awards," Bob continues, "my bitterness ruined what should have been the greatest night of my life."
We see Krusty announcing the nominees at the show, and Bob wins. At first SSB seems happy, but then he turns to the camera and yells, "This is on more Emmy than you'll ever win you bantering jack-in-the-box." at Krusty.
"Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!" replies Krusty
"No-talent shill!"
"Second Banana!"
"Panderer!"
"Bore!"
Finally, some guards show up and pin Bob to his cot, then sedate him.
Bob's voice over continues, "My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge against the boy who put me there." And we see him making liscense plates with slogans like "RIP Bart" on them.

The scene returns to dinner at the Simpsons' table, and Bart cries, "Ay carumba!"
"Bart," Sideshow Bob says, "If I wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken as soon as I walked in that door....Then what kind of a guest would I have been?" Everyone (except for Bart) laughs.
Bob continues, "Now where was I? Ah yes, my lowest ebb." We now flash-back to prison, where Bob is telling the guards, "You can't take my Emmy!"
"Hey, you know the rules. Awards for excellence in entertainment are contraband. No Emmies, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe." one guard tells him.
"But Hismet can be kind as well," Bob adds, "I received an answer to my letter from the prison pen-pal program." We see Bob reading a letter from Selma, and he then sends the response, "Dear Selma, your latest letter set off a riot in the Maximum Security Wing of my heart."
The scene cuts to Bob sitting outside as the voiceover continues, "Like the lone crocus that pokes through the prison yard, our love bloomed, despite all obstacles.
Next we see Selma and Sideshow meeting in prison. They see another couple kissing, and Bob asks, "Selma, may I?"
"Ah-ah-ah! On the cheek!" Selma responds, pressing her face against the glass.
The narration continues, "Inspired by the love of a good woman, I resolved to be the best darned inmate #24601 I could be." Bob is pictured standing outside the conjugal visit facilities, playing romantic music on a violin.
"I bade farewell to my cellmates and left with the woman I loved." We see Bob saying goodbye, "Cutter. Icepick. Snake, I'm going to miss you most of all."

The scene returns to the dinner table, and Patti says, "I've got to admit it Selma, he's a once-in-a-lifetime catch."
Bob adds, "Yes I hope the Police are saying that as well." and everyone laughs, except for Bart, who reminds them, "...this guy framed Krusty the Clown!"
"Indeed I did," Sideshow Bob says to Bart, "and I'd like to thank you for catching me Bart. You siezed the wheel of my slow boat to hell and pointed it straight towards the sunny shores of Selma."
"Here, here!" toasts Homer.
Now Sideshow Bob asks, "Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in front of your family?"
"Alright, but no tongues."
"Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray, that's not what I had in mind. Selma, will you marry me?"
"Don't be a fool aunt Selma, that man is scum!" Bart says. "Then call me Mrs. Scum."

We now go off to the Happy Sumo Sushi Bar, where Sideshow and Selma are singing karaoke.
BOB: "I know I'd stand in line until I think you have the time to spend with me."
SELMA: "And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance you won't be leaving with me."
As the singing continues, we see a montage of Bob and Selma going out together.
BOB: "And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two."
TOGETHER: "And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like, 'I love you.'"
The montage ends with Selma asking Bob to pumice her corns. He winces, then says, "Avec Plaisir."

The next day, Hans Moleman is at the DMA getting an eye exam (and failing miserably), but Selma lets him go, and wishes him luck in finding true love.

We now go to the Simpsons' home, where the family is watching the "27th annual Krusty the Clown Telethon for Motion Sickness". Krusty says, "..poor little guys...so tragic, so nauseous. You should see the bus they came to the studio in!"
A producer (or something) comes out and joins Krusty, then introduces Bob. Bob and Krusty pause for a moment, then Krusty says, "Come here you!"
"Oh, you old clown, you!" replies Bob.
"I've missed you!"
The two turn to the camera, and Bob says, "This guy is a national treasure!"
"That jerk I got to replace you, he isn't fit to hold your slide whistle." Krusty tells Bob. (We see Sideshow Mel at home, saying, "All I can be is myself."
Now Sideshow Bob asks, "Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you and putting you in jail?" and Krusty forgives him.
But Bart still isn't convinced. "That Sideshow Bob is a showbiz phony." he says.

Some time later, we find Marge and Selma planning the wedding. They're trying to figure out what to feed the guests. Homer seems interested, so Sideshow Bob asks him, "Well, Homer, you seem to be a trencharman, what should we serve?"
Homer says, "Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look, and they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchump, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!"
Bob turns to Selma, "Well Selma, he makes a good case."
"Get whatever you want, it all tastes like styrofoam to me." replies Selma.
"Selma dear, I'm confused." Bob says. It turns out that when Selma was a kid, she and her friends were playing with bottle rockets, and one went straight up her nose, permanently damaging her sense of taste and smell.
Marge confirms the weenies, but then Bob starts to worry, "Selma, this wedding is swimming out of control Can we really afford it? I've already run through eight of the ten dollars they gave me when I left prison."
Selma reminds him that she has all the money they need, and Bob syas, "Selma, that's wonderful! I just hope people don't think I'm marrying you for your money instead of your...less tangible qualities." Bart overhears this, and starts to wonder.

A few days later, we find the couple in a horse-drawn carriage. Bob says, "Tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Bob Tewilliger. Isn't it grand?"
To which Selma replies, "Hey Bob, give some of that honey this way." and they begin to kiss. At which point Selma notices that she's missing MacGyver.

Back at Patti and Selma's apartment, Patti tells Selma that she missed MacGyver wearing a tank top. Selma gets mad and kicks a stool.
Sideshow Bob says, "But Selma, I thought I was the only man in your life."
"Sit down and shut up!"

We come to the end of MacGyver. Bob looks pretty ticked off. Selma says, "That MacGyver's a genius."
Now Bob says, "First of all, he's not a genius, he's an actor. And second, he's not much of an actor."
Selma cries, "You're lying!"
"This is lying:" Bob explains, "That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch." Then Selma gets up and runs out.

Back at the Simpsons' home, Selma is crying with Marge. Bart says, "Oh well, marriage is off..." Marge scolds him, but Selma says, "No, he's right. We're a package. Love me, love MacGyver."
Bob walks in, "Selma, I don't know what to say."
"Just tell me you like MacGyver." says Selma.
"Very well, I...I...I can't do it! Even that car chase seems tacked-on!"
Homer tells them to knock it off, "I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal. You know why?
SELMA: "No."
BOB: "Go on."
So Homer tells them that every time Marge watches a show that he doesn't like, he goes to a bar, gets drunk, and then, "I stumble home in the mood for love."
So Bob says, "Very well Selma, whenever you watch MacGyver, I'll take a vigorous constitutional, and return homemore in love with you than ever."
"Oh Bob!" says Selma.
"Bart no like! Bad medicine." mumbles Bart.

The wedding ceremony is taken care of by Rev. Lovejoy, of course. After Lovejoy gives the usual bit about "until death do you part" and as Bob says "I do." Bart suddenly sees him as the Grim Reaper.
We then go to the reception. Marge is taking some home movies, and asks Krusty to say something funny.
"Gee a joke...oh...umm...oh funny...OK, this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano, and a 12 inch pianist...Ooh - no, wait! I can't tell that one! Oh-Hoh!"
Now Sideshow Bob toasts, "Dear friends, forty-one years ago God took 168 pounds of clay and he made me a woman. And for this, I thank him."
Selma adds, "I just wanted to say, on the advice of my new husband, I've decided to quit smoking. Except for after meals, and after MacGyver."
"Oh Selma dear, you'll bury us all." Bob says.
Meanwhile Bart is asking Chief Wiggum if he trusts Bob. Wiggum says, "If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number one cop in town?...now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I went to get a piece of cake." The camera shows some little kids getting plates of cake which are sitting right next to the gun.

The day ends with Bob and Selma heading for their honeymoon. Bob tells the sleeping Selma, "That's right dear, enjoy your rest...the wedding was very tough on you. And the honeymoon is going to be...murder!" (Maniacal laughter).

The Simpsons' are sitting at home, watching some home movies selma sent them. She points out Shelbyville Falls, Rolling Rock, and "..another breathtaking sight, my new Hubby."
At which point we see Sideshow Bob abusing a bell-hop: "I wanted a room with a fireplace, you brainless luggage monkey!" He starts slapping the bell-hop with a brochure, "Like the one in the brochure." Finally he notices Selma, and says, "Oh, Selma, I was just chatting with my good friend..." he looks at the kid's name tag, "...Dennis. Now smile for the camera," he tells Dennis, "That's a good lad."
Next Selma's movie shows Bob lighting a fire, "Aahh fire, scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows, eradicator of dead wood." Now he notices Selma, "Oh Selma dear, you and your little camera. What do you say we shut it off for a while?"
"And make love?" Selma asks, tearing away her blankets.
Bob is visibly shocked, then says, "I suppose so." The camera goes off.
Now Bart wonders why Sideshow Bob went so nuts over a fireplace. Marge tells him that bob wants the honey moon to be romantic, to which Bart replies, "Romantic? With aunt Selma?"

Over at the hotel, we hear Selma moaning, and Bob comes running into the bathroom, then washes himself all over. He grumbles to himself, "Even murder has it's ugly side."
Selma says, "Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet?"
Bob makes his trademark "Eeeeughheeuuew" sound, then says, "Darling, you make it sound like a chore!"
As Bob rubs Selma's feet, he says, "Soon I will kill you."
SELMA: "Huh?"
BOB: "'Son pied sentit beau.' - french for, 'her foot smells lovely.'" SELMA: "Oh."
BOB: "Prepare to be murdered."
SELMA: "Huh?"
BOB: "'Hai pa de babe mu' that's...sanskrit for 'Your toes are like perfume.'" (I think Bob made this one up).
SELMA: "Ah."
BOB: "Voy a matar a usted."
SELMA: "Wha?"
BOB: "That's Spanish for 'I'm going to kill you.'" SELMA: "Say what?"
Bob covers up, saying, "My dear, I do believe it's time for your beloved MacGyver."
"Oh hey, you're right!" responds Selma.

Bob watches Selma watching MacGyver, then leaves a pack of cigarettes by her seat, and tries to sneak out. He fails miserably, making a loud squeak, but recovers by telling her, "Well, time for my walk." Selma grunts, and Bob says, "Don't forget to die." as he steps out the door.

Back in Springfield, Patti shows up at the Simpsons', feeling lonely without Selma. As they begin to watch MacGyver, Bart figures it out.
BART (sitting up in front of the TV) : "Aunt Selma has one hour to live!"
HOMER: "Hey down in front!"

Meanwhile, at the Hotel, we see Sideshow Bob lifting a glass to the window where Selma is, and saying, "Goodbye." As everyone else on the patio runs and screams, he calmly sips his drink, then turns to a telephone, composes himself, and makes a call, "Front desk, there's been a terrible accident in my room!"

We find him in the room next, as he walks in, Bob says, "Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening." He walks towards the chair where Selma had been, "...and then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you." He spins the chair around to find Bart sitting in it.
"Sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here are the good people at Best Western Hotels."
"Bart!" Bob yells, then turns around to find Selma, "Selma!"
Selma slaps Bob, and says, "You tried to kill me. I want a seperation!"
Several policemen pop out of nowhere, and SSB laments, "My best-laid plans have gang aley."
Bart asks Chief Wiggum if he's got room in jail for a two-time loser, and Wiggum replies, "Well, no frankly, but that never stopped us before."
As he's being cuffed, Sideshow asks, "Bart, I must know, how did you untable my web?"
"Yeah Bart, clues us in." adds Wiggum.
Bart says, "Well, gee, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do his job."
"No, no, please, it's the only way I'll learn." says Wiggum.

So Bart goes through the clues that lead him to Bob. He noticed that Sideshow Bob wanted the fireplace very badly. Aunt Selma couldn't smell gas, so she wouldn't notice if the fireplace were leaking. Also, she had decided to smoke only after meals and MacGyver, so Bob knew exactly when to turn the gas on.
"Aunt Selma's only hope was a plucky boy and his slow-witted father." Bart goes on. After trying to explain things to Homer four times, he told Marge, and they were on their way. They arrived just in time to stop Selma.

Bob asks, "But wait, if you saved Selma, why did the room explode?"
Chief Wiggum offers to answer that. "Me and the boys were celebrating a job well done," we see Wiggum, Homer, and a few cops smoking cigars, "When I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene."
The police start to take Sideshow Bob away, and as he goes, he yells, "I'll be back. You can't keep the democrats out of the White House forever. and when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies!" (Maniacal laughter).
Selma feels bad about picking Bob, but Marge reminds her that he fooled almost everyone, "But there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust."
"Thanks Mom," says Bart, "Now let's get out of this gas-filled hallway before we all suffocate." And everyone has a good laugh.

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