The Dirty Tricks Catalog

Content By: Dr. Forrester

The Prick of Death

A large, life-sized doll of the Purple Beast. Equipped with a sponge-detector and speech synthesizer, it cues on the words, "I love you Barney" or other such phrases. This arms it. The trigger is the inevtiable hug from the spongie, which can be lured by the synth singing the songs we love to hate, and spouting Barnoid phrases. Once the sponge hugs the doll, a set of poison-tipped needles spring out of the doll and into the spongie. The concoction contained in the needles causes agonizing and violently convulsive death within minutes. NOTE: A variation on this can be made simply by making the poison slow-acting, which of course drags out the pain!

The Incredible Inedible Birthday Cake

Out of the blue, a deliveryman shows up at the sponge's front door with a large purple cake, with the letters "You are my bestest buddy...Love, Barney" stencilled in green icing. The actual "cake" is a block of C-4 plastique, and the moment a piece of metal (Say a cake-knife?) contacts it, the entire shebang (and man, do she BANG!) will detonate, not even leaving enough for seconds!

The Extremely Hungry Lunchbox

This is your standard Barnoid lunchbox, but instead of PBJ and and apple, it contains a spring-loaded replica of Barney's head, which leaps out and chomps the cranium off of the unlucky spongie who opens it. Anyone for Spongeburgers?

The Sony Shockman

Appropriately Barney-ized, this is a standard portable tape player, but with one special feature: When anything BUT a Barney tape is played, it works as normal. However, when a Barney tape *is* played, a special circuit is activated that amplifies the batteries' power and sends a total of about 50 volts at a wattage of approx. 100W and 10Amps thru the headphones, frying the spongie like a beef patty! NOTE: If desired, the tape player can also explode after its job is done for extra effect.

The MMPR Communicator/Teleporter WristWatch

This is a standard-looking mockup of the wristcoms used by the Power Rangers. It beeps like the show, it even has that Zordon guy's voice saying various things. On it is a button marked "teleport." When pressed, the onboard computer chip uses space age technology to locate the nearest convienient star and teleport the sponge directly into the heart of it! NOTE: If no star is within range, the 'porter circuit simply sends them into a low decaying orbit around the planet of origin, causing them to burn up on reentry.

The Barney Beanie

Remember those electric Beanie caps? Y'know, the ones with the propellers on top? Well, Barney has a Beanie of his own now! Just strap it on a spongie's head, press the "ON" button for the propellor, and it lifts the spongie into the air about 100-200 feet or so, then cuts out...PERMANENTLY. As a result, our old friend Gravity takes over and propels them downward at about 32 f/sec until they rejoin their good ol' buddy the Ground, leaving a good ol' mess all over the place!!

The Barney ("GO BOOM!") Balloon

Your standard helium B'Harnii-emblazoned ballon, EXCEPT for the fact that this baloon is not filled with helium, but with a Hydrogen-Oxygen mix, and a volatile one at that. ONE SPARK, and the entire thing goes ka-boom! These sparks can come from lighters, cigarettes, fireplaces, even static electricity, so be careful to wear your asbestos suits and your rubber-soled sneakers when giving it to spongin.

Poppa Forrester's Granola (bolt) Bars

Ahh...Just like Grandma used to make! Made with a secret blend of things health nuts love, these Hellthy snacks bring new meaning to the word "toothache city." When popped in a spoungin's mouth and chewed, steel bolts pop out of the bar and thru whatever wall of the mouth happens to be handy. Available in 2-bolt, 4-bolt, or the dreaded "Porcupine snack!" (NOTE: Apologies to Monty Python on that one, and the FDA is still out as to whether it's legal or not!)

The Hellth-Shake DeathBlender

Resembling an ordinary blender, this device will draw a sponge in with a tractor beam when he begins making a Hellthy Shake (a sacrilege against Lord Grimace, the Shakemaster). The sponge is drawn little by little into the whirling blades, eventually leaving nothing more than a running blender and a godawful bloody mess!

Anti-Grav Sneakers

We've all seen them...the stupid little purple sneakers that all the fashionable spongies are wearing these days. These sneakers are different. In the sole is a miniature anti-grav propulsion device, triggered by an audio sensor. When the sensor picks up the open verse of the "I luv you" song, it immediately catapults the offending sponge into deep space! NOTE: In large groups, the display can be quite spectacular.

High-velocity VCR Projectile

Looks like a normal Barney video, except that when the eject button is pressed, a small rocket fires, propelling the tape at a velocity of 300 m/sec at the offending spongie! Talk about Contusion City!!.

Content By: Nexxus 3 Kline

Genetically Modified Hellthy Food

Description: Hellthy Foods that have been genetically altered at the seedling stage to produce an end product [fruit or vegetable] which looks, smells, and feels completely as it should but tastes completely wrong. Current tastes are limited to extremely sour, bitter and super-spicey hot. Further developement continues.

Applications:

  1. Desponge. In cases where captured spongin' need to be fed and it proves impossible to get them to consume anything but Hellthy Food[tm]. Variations on this theme should be obvious.
  2. As a dirty trick. Duh. ;)
  3. As an effective method of wide-scale food contamination in combat situations or otherwise.
  4. Further applications yet to be determined.

Currently available containers: Broccoli, Carrot and Orange.

In Developement: Apple, Celery and more.

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