Welcome to Survivors Across America And beyond

Hello; welcome to Survivors Across America And beyond

SURVIVORS POEMS

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Helium filled balloons with strings in a knot. Colorful balloons representing a variety of feelings with strings knotted around memories from the past. Something happens, a trigger, that jostles the balloons violently releasing a few into our awareness. If one is lucky eventually balloons are jostled enough (whether one time or a hundred times) that all the knotted strings come undone--filling our lives with the colorful balloons, feelings that one is often unable to deal with, at least not alone. Yet those released balloons fill our lives, unable to escape until each balloon is captured, each feeling and memory explored so that finally, the balloon rises and is released into the open leaving peace behind where turmoil once existed. It may take a long time to capture each colorful balloon. But in the end, with a lot of hard work and safety, it is possible, leaving one able to experience simply today with nothing attached from the past.

***** Reflections On Psalm 23 (c) Wendy Apgar
Part of parenting my inner child is to be able to internalize God the Father's love for me. Before beginning therapy I looked at God as judgmental and angry, waiting to find a reason to send me to hell. As I progressed and saw an example in my therapist of consistent caring and acceptance, my image of God began to change. Recently, while going through the study "Recovery From Distorted Images of Self" by Dale & Juanita Ryan, I was asked to write the 23rd Psalm in my own words. After finishing and re-reading what I had written I found that it was a wonderful expression of God the Father's love for me. I share my translation here in the hopes that, as it did for me, it will show a glimpse of the only perfect Father's love. The Lord is my shepherd, He'll take care of my needs. He will give me peace and lead me to those quiet/calm places. He will mend the hurts in my soul. He will guide me towards wholeness because of who He is. Even during those dark places when I want to die He will be with me. I don't need to be afraid of anything because God is by my side. God will comfort me in my sorrow. You will show me that You love me in front of everyone. You have called me as Your own. You provide more than what I need. You will love me always. I will stay with You forever. For me, one of the significant feelings was that God would tell me He loves me in front of everyone. For so long I have felt that people would be and are ashamed to be seen with me...to call me friend. It is something I still struggle with. ***********

Come and Take My Hand (c) 1992 Wendy Apgar
When darkness closed upon me you took my hand and said 'Won't you come and walk with me, I don't want to see you dead.' So I took your hand and said I'd walk with you a ways; You seemed to have the hope I lacked to get me through my days. The days have turned to months and the months have turned to years Yet still you walk beside me as I learn to face my fears. I still must face the moments when in darkness I can't stand And I still hear you say to me, 'Come and take my hand.' *******

Battle Scars (c) 1992 Wendy Apgar
Through the flames I'm moving now, The heat is all around; When I've journeyed through the flames I'll stand on solid ground. Some day these wounds of mine will heal The anger will be gone; But the scars I'll carry still When the healing's done. But though the battle scars remain I'll stand strong and whole; Knowing you remained with me To help me reach my goal.

. None But God (c) 1994 Wendy Apgar
glimpses of the past from the corner of my eye childhood innocence lost and none but god knows why trust now turns to terror in fear i must comply he's no longer my protector and none but god knows why crying out in anguish i beg for a reply but all around is silence and none but god knows why respiration's ragged he finishes with a sigh a child torn and tattered and none but god knows why pain in body and soul tears i'm unable to cry overwhelmed with anger and none but god knows why but now amids my anger and the feelings i deny someone walks beside me-- and i see the tears in jesus' eyes *****

storm of rage (c) 1994 Wendy Apgar
whirlwind of anger touching all around me while I, unaware, stood in the eye of the storm deceptive peace offspring of denial I am not unaffected by the rage within the storm touching others my anger is reflected abandonment, loneliness, rejection, pain I am isolated by this protective storm seeking help my life in turmoil numb to most of my feelings still unaware of the surrounding storm an outstretched hand a friend who cares a place of safety is created no longer alone within the storm whirlwind of anger no longer totally unaware within our place of safety we exit the eye and enter the storm. ******

It Continues (c) 1997 Wendy Apgar When I'm afraid or lonely Overwhelmed by what I feel; With panic at the edges I turn to familiar things. A never-ending cycle, One I can't seem to control; Acting out destructively Using sex to feel cared for. Insanity I call it, It always adds to my pain. In the aftermath I feel I have gained more guilt and shame. And often in addition It will trigger flashbacks too; And with post traumatic stress Past abuse I must now feel. so why does it continue? Can't I see the damage done? It's never been true caring-- I've become a garbage can. ******

Pieces (c) 1997 Wendy Apgar
I'm broken into pieces, Shards are scattered all around; So many missing pieces That are nowhere to be found. Yet I still find I'm looking For those pieces everywhere Looking deep inside myself But I'm finding nothing there. I see the empty places That abound inside my heart; The places scarred and broken That are tearing me apart. I feel so tired and lonely, I'm starting to feel the rage Add the broken promises To another empty page. The unspoken promises Granted every child at birth Of being loved and cherished, That promise was broken first. There may have been true caring Before the abuse began, But how can there be real love When sex was my dad's demand? Pound by pound weight was added Food being comforting then Ridding my mouth of the taste Of his ejaculation. Keeping the family secret So well that I lost my way, My heart broken in pieces Still in pieces now today. All the anger towards myself Is not where anger should be. I didn't have sex with dad, It's he that had sex with me! And as I grasp the memories Pieces begin to be found Reasons behind my actions Are no longer without sound. For as I see the reasons I know I'll begin to heal; Surrounding myself with love I hope I can some day feel.