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QUESTION & ANSWER FORUM

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201H

HI, My name is Rachel. I was in an abusive marriage too. I am writing you because you sound EXACTLY as I did just a few years ago. I can Promise you that YOU NEED TO GET OUT!! YOU HAVE CHILDREN! I was 13 when I met the man I would marry at 16. I had accidentally gotten pregnant. He started the abuse a little at a time until it got pretty dangerous. Each time promising me that he would not do it again. I was pregnant punching and squeezing my swollen stomach. I had continuous migraines due to the stress. He convinced me that I would never find another man if I leave him because I have a child. After 2 more years of constant abuse one day it all came to a sudden end. He had already been arrested for abusing me. He hit me and broke my tooth off told him that I had to go( as my excuse to get away from him). He would not let me go. He was RAGING and I for the first time truly feared for my life. I hid in a closet under some clothes for what felt like hours until he finally gave up looking for me. Then, I snuck out the back door and I ran as fast and far as I could. We lived in a military housing complex, so I knocked on someone's door and called his supervisor. The police took him away and my heart sank! It took every thing I had to push him away because he tried to apologize, etc..etc. I wanted so badly to be with him, I thought about taking my life rather than have to live without him. I told people that I would rather live with his abuse than ive without him at all. But for some reason, by a miracle I conjured up the strength to go on. I went home, I had support. I found out that I was not ruined because of a child. I joined the military and now 7 years after our marriage I look back and I can not believe that I was living in such a way. I am not even the same person, mainly due to the fact that he and his abuse kept me the way he wanted me. I could not grow and be myself for fear of more punishment. You are not in tolerable and if you believe you are than he has trained you well. Abuse is a mind game!!! You do not see how much so until you are free of it. PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE. I truly believe I am lucky to be alive after the fear I felt that day. Please don't find yourself in the same situation. My heart goes out to you, please if you need someone to listen drop me a line.

201I

No, it is not going to go away, if you don't deal with it now it will surface in other way's when you are older, I am 37 and ten years ago thought about the same as you. It came back, I am now dealing with it because I have to. I reccmmend you get the book " The Corouge to Heal" you can find it on line at Amazon .com that's where I found it. You would also benifit from a counselor that deals with child sexual abuse. The key is in the feelings you don't want to write down, make yourself begin that journal get in touch with your feelings and you will be on your to healing. It does affect your life, sometimes you don't think it does but if it is in the back of your mind it needs to be dealt with, you must feel to heal. Good Luck, You will be stronger and happier than ever. :)

I am currently in therapy for abuse that took place twenty years ago. I often feel as you do; will it ever go away? The memories are often in my head. If yours keep resurfacing, then you probably should get help to deal with your feelings. I was told by my counselor at my first session that things would probably get worse before they got better and that it could be very difficult for me to even walk into her office. Some sessions are worse than others for me, and may be for you also, but I see my sessions as a safe place for me to dump my bad feelings and get help understanding them. I hope that forgiveness is possible without confrontation, since my abuser died recently. I've been told that, eventhough it's difficult, it's best to work through the hurtful memories. You can't, and shouldn't have to, do it alone. The therapist you went to may not be right for you. I recommend that you try a different therapist. You should have someone you can confide in who can help you through the rough spots. It is scary and it hurts, but I'm told that eventually, it will get to a point that flashbacks will be more like memories than panic attacks. I'm waiting patiently. When I first began my therapy, I was caught between wanting the memories to go away and the fear that if they did, I would lose who I was. Now I don't believe that they will ever "go away", but I do believe that you can learn coping skills that make the past easier to bear. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find peace. What you are feeling is normal for what we've been through. Your descriptions are all too familiar to me. Recognizing that you need help is the first step on the road to healing. Take care of yourself.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse when I was 10yo and repressed my memories till I was 25, I am about to turn 30. I think that it really never 'goes away' as it becomes a part of who you are. I feel that the real acceptance of this is when you accept that it is a part of what makes you a whole person. I tried to confront my cousin about this but he wanted to frighten me, much like he did before, but basically he was trying to manipulate me (again ) and I was not willing to be a party to this. I have moved on since then and accepted that what happened to me - happened and that I wouldn't be the strong women that I am today. This is not to say that I didn't go through pain. both physical and mental, and that the journey wasn't difficult, (I would say it was not 'fun')., and it took a few years to come out of that tunnnel and into the light. Please don't lose faith, and try to continue with what feels comfortable, as I am a firm believer that you have to deal with the issues, and whether that be with a counsellor or a group, it is with who-ever you are most comfortable with. I hope this is of some help.

201J

You are perfectly normal, lots of abused women fantasize about rape in order to climax. That is what you were taught, now you must unlearn that and begin to fantasize about how much you love your partner and being with him. It can take a long time , I would rcommend the book " The Courage to Heal" you can find it at Amazon. I have had the same feelings you are having, masturbation is good for your health and feelings, it will help you get in touch with yourself and what your sexuality is all about. If you masturbate you should think of a good scenerio with a wonderful giving lover and remember that your lover wants to please you not hurt you. Everything you are feeling is normal and hundreds of others have had the same problem. You can heal!! You can feel beautiful and loving and sexual all at the same time but get in touch with your true feelings. Good Luck in your future happiness. :)

Gosh! I've just read a previous answer to you question,and I wholeheartedly agree. It is perfectly normal to have those feelings. We cannot help how our body responds to stimulation, (whatever the source). Yes! masturbation is a good way to explore your feelings. I had similar experiences, and experienced flashbacks with my lover, when I was in the midst of therapy and granted that it took me a year or so to work through those issues, but it is worth it. It is certainly worthwhile to explore by yourself and to fantasize about positive tings.

First of all rest assured that many women who have been sexually abused can only become sexually excited or masturbate while having sexual fantasies of violent acts. Most women think they are alone with these thoughts and are even ashamed to have these thoughts but it is normal. If you think about it, as a child that is the way you thought sex in general was done, through force. Now as an adult it is difficult for you to understand how to be the sexual initiator because you have always been the subservient one. The fact that you are thinking about sex and using sexually violent material does NOT mean you enjoy or did enjoy being abused. What it means is that you are more comfortable being the one NOT responsible for initiating sex. It is okay to not be comfortable not initiating sex many women are like that. But it is important to note the difference. Now you don't want to be the sexual initiator but you have a choice in who you have sex with unlike before. The violent thoughts just symbolize your desire to not initiate. As far as the masturbation goes, the first step is to understand the violent thoughts and come to terms with the fact it does NOT mean you like violence during sex. You may be okay thinking about sexually violent fantasies but I am quite sure you don't feel comfortable having sexual encounters that are like that. Secondly, once you come to terms with the first part, it helps to know that a majority of women masturbate and truly enjoy it. It is okay to fantasize about people or sexual experiences with past partners you have enjoyed having sex with. It just takes time. You may want to find a sex therapist as opposed to a regular therapist. Most therapists aren't trained in sex therapy. But a sex therapist will be able to help you explore your fantasies that you find disturbing and help you even learn how to masturbate. Give that a try and good luck. Cleo

201K

Believe in what you instinctually feel, as this is usually correct. Explore it with appropriate helpers (i.e. counsellors etc) and really question the motives of those that say they 'don't remember', as a possibility is that they are again manipulating you, and making you doubt yourself. Quite often mothers will support their husband, so that they don't have to acknowledge that they have stood by and accepted what they have seen, or suspected has been going on. Have faith in what your gut is telling you.

201L

There are some very good books dealing with supporting and understanding those who are survivors of sexual abuse, and I know it is very hard for hem to understand from where you might be coming from. Best really for him to go to the library and check out the resource material, or speak with a counsellor, or even go with you for a session. There are various options. There is a good book, by the author of 'the courage to heal' (?laura davis, not sure on that) but it is for partners of survivors. Anyway good luck, and you are lucky that you have someone that is willing to stand with you.

I know exactly what you're talking about. My husband and I have been married for two years, and having sex on our honeymoon was a real struggle for me. Ever since then, I've known that something was wrong, and have been able to trace much of it back to a very probable episode(s) of sexual abuse as a child. Not only do I also have periodic "mood swings" that are unexplainable, but I also cry anytime we have sex (which is rarely). We have found a lot of encouragement and relief from Laura Davis, who writes a book for partners of sexual abuse survivors called "Allies in Healing". We own the paperback version- not too expensive. I would strongly encourage you to get your hands on this one. My husband has almost read the whole thing, and his attitude has changed tremendously. for the first time, someone who writes as well as Davis has sat down to construct a detailed explanation of the trauma of sexual abuse that partners can readily understand. I would say, though, that my husband has made a firm commitment to understand and support me. Without this commitment, reading this book will not be nearly as effective. best wishes.

201P

I have been thou that myself. my son is now 15. I kept my son because he was not the one who did the raping, he was just another victim.