Welcome to Survivors Across America And beyond

Hello; welcome to Survivors Across America And beyond

SURVIVORS STORIES

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Please read this at a cautious pace, it may trigger you. I am male, age 30, married for going on 11 years (didn't think it would last this long at times). I have 2 children. I was physically abused by my alcoholic father from birth, he was also verbally and emotionally abusive. He blamed me for all the trouble in his life and decided to take out his anger and frustration on me. He left several times during my childhood, but my co-dependant mother would accept him back every time. I still don't think she is aware how much abuse he did to us, but she knows he abused us. At the age of 5 ½ or 6 My aunt sexually abused me one time that I remember, (memories are still coming back, mostly all dark and clouded). I was also sexually abused by my cousin Larry from about age 6 until I was about 17 or 18. His abusing me took on some sick twists. By the age of seven or eight he forced us to watch him have sex with animals. Then somewhere around 8 or nine, forced us to have sex with animals also. I was sodimized repeatedly by my cousin and those animals. He continued with these acts and later used bondage in order to force more abuse. He would come up with new and even more perverted games as I grew older all of which were sexual in nature. He would justify his actions by telling me he was teaching me how to have sex, so when I grew up I would know how to have sex. Regretfully I believed it all. I spent most of my childhood in a sexually aggressive manner, I became the type of person who searched for new ways to sexually act out. Including self mutilation. Because of the abuse I had strong confusion about my sexual orientation. I believed I was heterosexual but couldn't figure out why I was having sex with a man. I spent many years of confusion and fear about what was being done to me and what I was, I thought I was a terrible freak of nature. I went around afraid that my friends would find out and they would make fun of me and call me gay and all of that. As I grew up the confusion continued. At this time I became even more self abusive. I would insert objects into my body and would I guess see myself as a female. I began to act out the parts of sex with female type clothing on and became so disconnected from reality that I became self destructive. The court intervened and decided to order an evaluation and ordered me to attend counseling. Boy am I glad. I now understand a lot of my behavior and confusion is a direct result of my cousins sexual abuse as well as my fathers 18 years of abuse. I can also say for certainty that I am heterosexual. And that I was abused. My marriage has suffered because of my destructive and even abusive behavior. I thank God, that my wife loved me enough to stand by me in all the trials and tribulations. She has been wonderful. Haven't been able to share a whole lot with her but I think that she is taking things one at a time. I feel so wonderful now the confusion and darkness has lifted. Mick and Mickie (infant inner child)