Welcome to Survivors Across America And beyond

Hello; welcome to Survivors Across America And beyond

SURVIVORS STORIES

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I am a survivor of severe emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. It seemed like from the day I was born, I was not wanted. I have blocked the first six years of my life, its almost like they never existed. I am sure it was fulled with alot of neglect and abuse. My mom walked out of my life when I was six years old. She didnt say goodbye, just left. That was very a very confusing time for me. My father was in the military and thought he could raise us three kids alone. He tried at first, but soon it was apparent he should have given us up for adoption. My father did'nt care about feelings. Kids in his eyes were "seen but not heard". He used food as punishment and confused food for love. I have many times had to sit down and drink spoiled milk that was curdled. (yuck). He would be drunk at dinner time and make us eat huge amounts of food. I got good at hiding food in my socks and shoes. I know it sounds disgusting and to this day I am very picky about the foods I eat. My father disiplined us "military style". He would line up all three kids and hit us with the belt until he found out who did the minor offense. One time someone threw away a plastic cup in the trash. You would have thought we burned the house down. He lined us up and just kept whipping us. Finally my sister admitted to it. (Half the time we just admitted it for him to stop hitting us). My father loved to tell us how "lazy, no good"we were. He brainwashed us to the point that I really felt lower than the ground. I was so insecure. I shook down to the bone when my father would call my name. He was so neglectful of our needs. He did'nt even act like we existed. After so many years of this abuse, I was such a needy child. I was the perfect prey for what happened next. When I was twelve years old, I became very good friends with my neighbors across the street. I felt so welcome in their home. The man, Jim was especially attentive. I ate it up. I felt like this man who took me on "special jeep rides" really cared for me. I have blocked alot of what he did to me out but remember certain things. I remember him taking me on one of our usual jeep rides. He pulled out his penis and told me how to give him a blow job. I wanted to throw up. Because I was terrified of authority, I obeyed. To this day, I remember the taste and remember throwing up the doughnuts I had eaten that morning. He first had sexual intercourse with me when his wife was in the hospital having their third child. I was terrified. It hurt alot and I hated it. I hated him. At the time he knew I was so needy. Years later I contacted him on the phone and asked him how he could have sexually abused a 12 year old, a child. He admitted to the wrong he had done. He did hurt me deeply by a comment he made. He told me how he "set me up". Like he said, he worked up to the actual sexual act. "a touch here, a touch there". I cannot express the feeling I had. I was played a fool. Because I needed some positive attention so much, I fell for it. As I look back I wonder why I didnt push him away and say NO!!!!!. I am still dealing with some very major issues in my head. I still hear old programmed messages playing over and over. I cant develop deep relationships with anyone. I have a hard time with sex. I am just a mess! Thank you for listening! Donna