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SURVIVORS STORIES

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Hi I am 25 and a survivor of sexual abuse.I am attending the local community college and majoring in human services i want to continue my education after graduating to become a psychologist.Well here is my story I was sexually abuse by my cousin from the age of 5 til 12. this is the abuse that haunts me the most. I was a around 5 when I remember coming to Vermont to visit and my cousin having me go to the barn with him I did as he asked becuase I was brought up to listen to my elders. Well he is about 12 years older then I am. The first time he just touched me on the chest and told me not to tell because this was our secret.I had also been taught not to tell when someone told you a secret so I did as I had been taught and didn't tell. As time went on the abuse got worse every time I would turn around. I was scared to tell anyone that he was touching me and kissing me in away I felt wasn't right. But I also enjoyed the attention I would recieve from him since I came from a big family.As time continued he began to remove my cloths and would touch me all over and I would tell him i don't want you to do this anymore but he didn't care what i would say he would continue. Then he decided one day that he was going to have sexual intercourse with me i thought i was going to die. But he wasn't succesful at his mission that day i was so relieved. But it didn't end there. He continued to touch me and would put his finger inside of me and tell me it won't hurt if you would just relax well i was scared and would beg him to please do not do this anymore but he didn't care how he was hurting me. Then when I was around 12 he decided he would try again to have sex with me. I begged him to please not do it and he was getting very angry at me for not doing as he wished. He told me it won't hurt if you relax and let me do this .Once i do it you will like it i thought i was going to throw up. I continued to beg him to stop. I asked him how he would know if it was going to hurt and this is when he told me that he did this to others and once i would let him do this i would like it like the others did. I told him i didn't care i didn't want him to do this. i was never so scared in my whole life. He continued to try and till this day i do not know how far he actually got with me i was so numb and had went off in my mind some where else so that i could deal with he pain so i will never know if he actually had complete intercourse with me. This abuse came out when i was 12 and it was brought to court and this was such a scarey ecperience for me. I got left in this room by myself while my mom was in the court room i wanted to die i had made up my mind i was going to lye and say nothing happened if i had to enter that court. I was pacing back and forth and wanted to run away but was to scared to i finally began to cry something i had needed to do for a very long time but wasn't able to because i was so numb. Finally my mom and this man came in and was able to calm me down after a short while this is when they told me that i didn't have to go into the courtroom because he had admitted to what he had done to me this was a big relief. I was also abused by this man who was friends and living with a diffrent cousin he would have my twin brother and my 4 cousins play spin the bottle and would make us undress and touch each other this was going on while i was still being abused by my cousin.So i assumed that what he was doing must not have been that bad. Then when i was around 10 this family moved into the town i lived in and they had bought one of the stores and they had a daughter who was my age and we became friends her father abused me as well as a couple of other friends of mine and his daughter. We would let him touch us and he would kiss us and give us cigarettes and beer and wine when he would do things to us. They finally left town when i was 14. It was when i was around 12 or 13 that i first cut myself to relieve pain. I was in the store and Jim had been doing things to me and had givin me some wine and all at once i couldn't take it anymore so i grabed this big knife out of the deli and went in where the movies where kept and went to the floor and was crying and Jim entered the room and I threatened him that if he came near me i would use the knife on him.He kept begging me to please give him the knife and i told him NO and i took the knife and ran it over my wrist and cut it Jim was freaking out and begging me to please give him the knife but i wouldn't and i took the knife once more and ran it over my arm and it cut deeper this time. i then got up and got out of the store i left the knife and ran behind the school where i bleeed for a while and cried. Till this day i have no idea of where this man is.I went to therapy for the first time when i was a freshman in high school and have been going off and on since.I am now seeing a wonderful therapist and she is helping me alot. there is many times i just want to give up and not go on in life but i want to fight this so that my abusers will no longer win this battle. I wish every survivor luck on working threw to recovery. We all need to stick together so that these awful people don't win anymore and take any more from our lives.so this is my story in a short version thanks for reading my story.