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SURVIVORS STORIES

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Hi! My name is Leanne and I am 39 years oldand a survivor of child sexual abuse and rape. I have been in counseling on and off for about 10 year, but have been going steadily noe for almost 2 years. My abuser was my own dad. He started his sexual acts on me when I was as young as 7 years old.My dad was not an alcoholic, he was just mentally ill but never admitted it to himself or anyone else.Whenever my mom was gone this is when he would always make me have sex with him or at night when my mom was asleep he would sneak in my room and make me have sex with him. From the age of 7-12 he molested me in many different ways. From the age of 12-17 was when he made me have sex and whatever else he wanted me to do I had to do it or he would be meaner to me. I always had to do this mostly when my mom would not give sex to himor when ever his urge arose which seemed like all the time when your a child. At times it was 2-3 times a day.GOD this was so awful, he made me feel like I wanted to die or crawl in a whole somewhere. No matter if I said no or not he would make me do it any way. It was pure HELL. I remember always feeling dirty and so ashamed of my self all the time, but noone else ever knew because I was always to ashamed to tell anyone in fear they wouln't believe me anyway.My silence of all this stayed with me for 20 years or more. The person I broke down and finally told was the Pastor of my church that I still attend whenever it is possible for me to do so. I felt at times that my mom knew but would do nothing to help me she acted like it didn't even go on nor she she act like it even bothered her that it did go on.There were times he would ask me and my sister to go to bed with him in front of my mom at supper alot of the times but she would always act like she never heard a word he said When I did say no which was all the time he would call me bad names or tell me to stop acting like my mom and do what your suppose to do. He would always make me feel guilty when he told me to stop acting like your mom and do for me what she won't. I would tellhim this is not my place but he'd always make me feel like it was.I never pressed charges because no one was told until 20 years later, by then it was too late because of statue of limitations in my state. I also felt no one would believe me anyway. As long as I can remember my family posted me as the liar of my family and from that point on one no one believed anything I ever said because of my family posting me the liar at an early age on. My mother and I never really got along much at all from an early age on and this did not help our relationship at all. Still to this day she has never once asked me to tell her what happened between me and my dad but now its to late to tell her my dad died 3 or 4 years ago and she cant confront him so what good would it do. For this to me she makes me feel like she doesnt care a less what hes done to me as long as she did not have to do it nor does she act like she cares how it affected my new family and the hell it put us through I hate what she let him do to me mostly because she never once asked me about what he's done. At times to this day she is still very heartless. Some days more than others my abuse still affects me and brings me down. I even tried suicide 3 times in my life because all I want was for the pain to go away but it never would among other things in my life going wrong. Just felt like my life had no meaning and I was worthless to my self and everyone around me and there was no where for me to turn for help, so I felt at that time it might of been easy to just end my life then.the people I was leaving behind. If it wasn't for the strong support of my husband and two kids I'd never made it this for in life, I probably wouldn't be here today. Without my husband and kids being so supportive and being there for me through thick and thin I'd never be able to face counseling or change my life for the better. I couldn't of done this alone or come this far without the help of my husband of my two kids. I am thankful for the three of them dearly and with all my heart and soul I.like getting in touch with others who have experienced what I have, mainly because we can understand each other and help each other. Missy