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SURVIVORS STORIES

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Hi I am a survivor of spousal abuse. I was married for 2 ½ years. My husband could be a prince charming one day and a monster the next. I loved this man with all of my heart and part of me is still having a hard time letting go of that love. I can remember the day that I met him. He was tall dark and very, very handsome. He was a boxer hoping to one day soon turn professional. He was the kind of guy who could have any girl he wanted. After getting to know him a little better he confessed that he remembered me from high school and has had a crush on me ever since. I was totally off my feet. We practically lived off love for the first few months of the relationship. He told me that the moment he met me he knew he would one day marry me. Then all of the sudden something happen and he became very tense. He wanted to know where I was going and who I was with. He didn't trust me as far as he could throw me and I didn't understand why. I was so in love with this man that I would never in a million years have thought of cheating on him. If we were in the car and there happened to be a man in the car next to us who just happened to look our way, he would go crazy and accuse me of sleeping with him. ( never mind the fact that I was practically with him 24/7) The arguments grew worse and worse and he began to push and shove me around until one day I had gotten tired of the accusations and I stood up and said that I loved him and I would never do that to him and I didn't appreciate him treating me this way. Well that was the match to the fuel. He EXPLODED!!!! He beat me black and blue that night. He said that I obviously didn't know who I was talking to and that if I wanted to act like a man then I was going to have to fight like a man I managed to escape that night and cover the black eyes as much as I could. About 3 days later he came to my house and cried in my arms for about an hour. He said that he couldn't believe he did that to me and he was so sorry. Blah blah blah... Well we got married anyway. The worst mistake of my life. Everything was great at first. We moved up north away from my family and his. All of thesudden the beating started again. He called me a whore, a slut, a tramp... He told me that HE was the only one in this world who would ever love me and protect me and that I would never be able to survive on my own. And after couple of years of this I really began to believe this. He beat me time and time again. Until that final night... It was Christmas eve 1996. I was preparing a grand meal for the following day. He had been drinking all evening. He came in the kitchen and started throwing food at me. He said that I liked it when he got drunk and passed out because I could tip out and see my other men. I could smell the stench of his breath from across the room. He slammed me against the wall a couple of times. He told me that tonight is the night I was going to die. He told me that one day the time would come when I pushed him too far, and tonight was the night. He drug me in the living room by my hair, kicking and screaming. He grabbeda hammer and said "I'm giving you one chance to tell me who you are f______" Of course I said no one. The next thing I knew I saw a flash of light and felt something warm and wet running down my neck. It was blood. I passed out. I woke up sometime later to have him over me kicking me in the side of the head screaming something I couldn't understand. Then he grabbed my neck and began choking me until I blacked out again. Again I came to sometime later. He kept slamming my head into the floor screaming "bitch why won't you die?!!!!" I just started screaming I love you, I love you over and over until he just starting crying in the corner of the room. There I lay. I couldn't move. Covered in blood. And both eyes practically swollen shut. I could feel that my nose and jaw were broken and my clothes were in shreds barely hanging on my body. He put me in the bed and slept (or rather passed out) on the floor. I stayed awake watching him not knowing if he would try to attack me again. I could hardly breath. The next morning he ran a bath and had to carry me to the bath room. The blood had dried and my hair was almost all ripped out. One eye was swollen shut and the other was very blurry. He sat me in the warm water and sat there with me while I just whimpered and cried. I could do nothing but sit there because every muscle in my body was paralyzed. I looked at him and said. I ask one thing of you. He said anything. I said the next time when your hands are around my throat please don't let go. Just let me die. I can't live like this anymore. That was the day I decided that I had to get out. I was ready to die and that scared me terribly. I did leave him and I still hear from him every now and then. He still says he loves me and he wants me back. He says that things will be different but I can't take that risk. Not anymore. Still surviving