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SURVIVORS STORIES

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Well to begin with I was what I call a love child I was born to parents who were 15 and never really wanted. My parents never married and went there separate ways. Shortly after I was born my mother met a man named Pete, he and mother married when I was about 6 months old. They were married until I was about 7. During there marriage mother gave birth to two other children, my sister Jenny and my brother Heath. I was taught from the beginning I was a second class citizen, because I was not my mothers husbands child. In my first seven years on this earth, I was beaten regularly by both parents and constantly being fondled by Pete and his brother Chuck. I can remember Chuck sleeping over all of the time, he was 7 years older than me, and waking without underpants and being told not to tell anyone. Pete was more abrupt about it. One incidence that stands clearly in my mind, I was 6 years old, my mother was working graveyard shift at the local wood mill, and Chuck was staying over, Pete told Chuck and my siblings to leave the room, I was to stay. I was told to lie next to Pete on the couch. I can remember him rubbing himself against me then he put his penis between my legs and on my privates, he then proceeded to ejaculate on me. He said then the semen was urine, that I had wet myself, and considering the punishment my sister got for wetting the bed, I was petrified! He told me it was normal and to get a towel and clean myself up. I still can feel the moist feeling on my legs when I think about it. I was raised to believe that this man, Pete, was my father. When it came time for the divorce, Pete was given custody of my sister (my best friend) and my baby brother. This was gut wrenching, we didn't understand the word "divorce" in the first place but then we had to be literally ripped apart from each other, my sister remembers it clearly, I cannot remember a thing. I was informed promptly that Pete was not my father, and I was very confused. I remember thinking that I had lost my whole family. So it was me and my mother alone again, except that she had already hooked up with Leroy! About this time, and I do not recall mentioning it, I had informed my mother that Pete had been "humping" me, I thought I was doing the right thing by telling, but here lies the rub. I was brought to my maternal grandmothers house, and told to sit on her bed. In the room were my mother, grandmother, aunt Rhonda, aunt Gina, and my grandmothers boyfriend at the time, John, a nurse. I was grilled and yelled out for what seems to be the longest time about my definition of the word "humping." I was scared to death, all of these angry women yelling at me and I didn't know how to explain what I meant, I was only 7 years old. I couldn't even understand them, all of them yelling, I was crying. I was finally getting my point across when I was told to take my clothes off, that was difficult, I gather now they never believed me and seemed I was lying to them. I took off my clothes, while crying hysterically. I didn't know what they were going to do to me. Now I understand the ultimate humiliation of it all. I was told to lie on the bed and open my legs. I lie there while all persons present took a good look at my privates to see if I still had a hymen. I supposedly did, now I know that fondling couldn't show up that way. I lie there for a while they all accusing me of lying. I'll never forget yelling at them and crying to get them to see that I was telling the truth. So as a means of convincing them I told them that maybe the proof was in my behind. So the "nurse" grabbed my leg forcefully flipped my over and rammed his large finger into my anus, I screamed and tried to get away from his hand, I couldn' t move. I can still remember that humiliation. The fact that my anus was so sensitive they collectively decided that I was lying all around. Never mind the fact they I new what sex was a t seven. Keep in mind that this was in the early 70's that kind of thing was not known. I left the room, not knowing that they did not believe me and thinking that the only father I had known was going to get into trouble. I was scared for him. Now, when I look back at that whole incident I think of it as a worse thing than the incest. I hated them for that. So now it is my mother and Leroy. Leroy seemed like he was kind. I was then forced to go meet a man, a man whom they called my real father. His name is James. My mother and I drove up to this workshop, he is a carpenter, I got out of the car and walked with mother to this very large man, keep in mind that Pete was only 5'6" and this man James is over 6' he had a long beard and long hair and has a beer gut to end all beer guts. He begins to talk to me and I got very scared. I went back to the car. That is all I remember from that day except him giving me a heart shaped wooden plaque that had my name on it, I still have it. He told me he made it for me when I was born. My mother had never finished High school and while she and Leroy and I lived together she got her GED. Then she joined the Air Force to keep from going on welfare. I am very proud of her for that choice. Everything seemed OK. During this time lapse I am unsure of my age and dates for a while. Then my mother said she was leaving for a while (Air Force basic training) I was thrown into the hands of James my real father and his wife Patty, they has two children, my brother Jeremy and sister Sarah. I didn't like it there and Patty made it clear I was not wanted there. I missed my mother and heart broken by the whole ordeal. I was in fourth grade, that I do remember. While living with my father, I was subjecting to the constant drug use and alcohol abuse that became a mainstay in the home. The one incident I do remember, Patty had left town to go visit a friend, my fathers guy friends had come over to drink and passed out in mine and Jeremy's bed, Sarah was a baby. We all got excited because dad had said that he would let us sleep in his bed with him and we had to race to see who slept next to dad. I won! I guess that what you could call it. I was fondled then he tried oral sex on me, I learned then that if I pretended I was sleeping I didn't have to "be there" my escape. Well, I hated them too, both my father and Patty. So I was able to spend the night with Leroy at the home where my mother should have been. He was kind to me, I felt very comfortable with him. I told him about Pete, he said it was awful and that was all that was said about it. But I felt comfortable because he believed me. That was good. My mothers first posting was Abilene, Texas, hell on earth. I went from Oregon to dry ugly western Texas. I was so excited when I was sent to Texas, I had forgotten what my mother looked like, that is odd. I got off the plain and we went home. Not shortly after we got there, the hell began, Leroy beat on my mother and me. Then he decided to use my for his sexual pleasure while my mother was not home. I "slept" while he did everything he could to bring me down. I was a preteen by then and scared of everything, now I had no where to go. We lived in many places while we lived in Texas and I clear memories of all of my mothers bedrooms. I can remember when I figured out that if I fell asleep early he would not tell me to go to the room with him. But that didn't last long, because he just came to mine. I hated him so much, I hated my mother and I especially hated myself!! I was a great student before I went to Texas and than I became a very poor student forever after that. I learned the material but never tried to do the work. At 14 I had an IQ of 145. I am very intelligent for barely graduating form high school. I can remember clearly when it became his thing to make me touch him, I would get semen on my hands and scrub then raw and bleeding to get the semen off. I was so repulsed. I had very few friends and the ones I had had similar stories to tell, although none of them new about my home life. I was informed that I would die or my mother would be killed by Leroy if I was to tell. We lived in Abilene for 3 1/2 years, during that time mother gave birth to my little sister Kristine. I didn't like her at first, because she took away attention from me. But it didn''t matter because mother was never around to take care of her, I did it all, she called me mommy, and she was my child. I had odd things cross my mind while bringing up this child, I truly started to think she was mine. I was having sex and there is a baby, and I take care of her, I really was messed up over that. Always the second class citizen, I filled the role very well, even my siblings, visiting for the summer treated my poorly. I was the oldest, but never was I treated with respect. I can remember that my mother even hated me, contempt from all sides. I was slightly overweight, like my father, and I looked like him and all of the rest of the kids looked like my mother. I didn't fit in. I was an outcast. I can remember all of us were teasing my little brother Heath, pulling his pants down and just joking around with him. I was the one caught doing it and mother got the belt and came in and beat the living hell out of me, I had welts all over my body, I could barely walk. This was the way it was. I can remember always wanting to die. I thought if I died would they be sorry. I then cleared my mind of that and began to realize that I be an adult someday and have total control of my life and I would make the decisions, and I would show them all by becoming very successful and making them sorry for everything they did to me. So I spent 3 1/2 years being raped and sodomized by Leroy, beaten by my mother and generally being my sisters mother. I almost didn't make it. I have so mush more to tell about that time, but there is more. Finally after begging God for death or divorce Leroy left our lives, or what we had left of it. Mother had already found another man, Jesse, I hated him form the beginning, I was a big joke to him, I was 13 years old and chubby and not sure of myself at all. I was constantly berated by him. I asked if I could go live with my father, James, I was sent as fast as they could get my on the plane. It was not good from the beginning, as my stepmother Patty explains to me now I was a menace from the start, I tried so hard to get attention, at 12, I was telling dirty jokes and being very obscene. Then my father picked up on it and when we were alone he began to fondle me again. I ran away from him to my brother Jeremy's room. The next day I told Patty what had happened and she confronted my father, he was honest and that was that, Nothing ever became an issue. Except when I told my friend from church. Well, she told her mother, her mother told the minister of the church and then the fun begins. I was taken to the ministers office and in front of a policeman told the whole story. I think the thing I remember the most was they BELIEVED me. I was happy, but not for long. I was whisked away to my fathers sisters house, Marie. I was ignored and I didn't mind I read a lot. While at Marie's house I got 2 phone calls that still haunt me. My mother yelling at me and telling me I was a liar and my mothers mother repeating everything my mother had said. I was a liar and was trying to get attention! That angers me to this day, because although the other men were and are highly contemptible, my father said from the very beginning that he did it and it wasn't my fault. But according to the rest of the world I was wrong. So I am unclear of the amount of time I was at my Aunt Marie's house, but it was a while, I think I read a few books while I was there. I also had a death threat by my stepmother. I was put on a bus back to my mother and her new husband Jesse, in Colorado. Our new posting. I was put on a bus trip that lasted for 2 days with no food or money, at 12 that was pretty frightening, but a nice boy named John bought me some food in Denver. I''ll never forget his kindness. I arrived in Colorado Springs during a parade, I was famished and tired, my mother and her friend Lorie picked me up, they never spoke a word to me and I had to carry my own luggage, I blacked out on the way to the car, they never helped then either. We were to be staying with Lories parents because mother was still looking for our home. I was told when I got in the car to stay away from Loroes father, that really angers me now, thinking back. So mother found a place and she was taking me to my first day of school, eighth grade. I was scared and on the way there mother pulled over the car and told me that if I said anything to the councilors about what had happened that summer with my father that she would hurt me, then she said if I ever accused her new husband of molesting me she would kill me, I chuckled nervously and she said quite loudly after that that she was very serious and repeated that she would KILL ME! I didn't say anything except "I won't" So things were OK for a while, then as we were settling in and I had turned 13 and I was alone with moms new husband he decided to take advantage of my "sleeping" body. Well, that did it, I was pretty angry, I told my best friend, at the time, and she told her mother and then it got back to my mother. I cam home from school and they looked pissed, mother and Jesse. I was told to sit on the floor in front of them. I was grilled and grilled and yelled at and I cried and denied ever telling my friend. But that wasn't good enough, so as the tension mounted, I got more upset, "and for the last time, did you tell your friend that Jesse touched you!!??" and I don't know where it cam from but I yelled [and I am pretty proud of it ) " YES I DID, SO WHAT!!!!" I have never been beaten harder in my life! My mother got right up and beat me up with her fists her feet and nearly knocked me out. Jesse just stood there and watched, I am sure enjoying the whole thing. I was sent to my room, and Jesse went to work, my mother came into my room, threw a phone book at my head and told me to call the cops on her if I hated her that much. I didn't call, I ran away that night. I was gone for 4 days. I stayed with the people I baby-sat for. They sent me home after the 4 days. So many things happened for the year after that, Jesse never touched me during that time. I was treated again to the crap I was born to take.' My mother had a nervous breakdown after I caught my uncle with his pants down around my little sister, Kris. She was discharged from the Air Force. I forgot the way this happened but, upset one day at school my gym teacher talked with me about it and I spilled the beans, I told her everything. Shortly after that I was called to the office, I was met by a couple of social workers and a police officer or two and my track coach, he was a kind man. I told them the whole story you see before you, they told me that they would take me home and make sure that Jesse left, I told them that wouldn't be the problem and reminded them that mother had planned to KILL me if I told. (I was 14 then) I was taken to a foster home, I didn't like it there. After one month of living there I had a nervous breakdown of my own, finally. I was taken to a psychiatric hospital, I spent 3 months there and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I got help and met others like me, up until then, I had only read about them. I liked it there and when it was time for me to go I was not pleased, I liked being locked up with other teens like me. I went to a girls home after that and spent 5 months there. I liked it there also. All of the girls were just as messed up as I. I lost my virginity in the home, the proper way, consensual. I was sent back to my mothers house. I was 15 by then. I spent the next couple of years fighting insanity, my stepfathers renewed interest in a sexual relationship and my mothers hatred towards me and constant allegations of affairs between me and her husband Jesse. I met a man when I was almost 18 and moved away to be with him, I thought he loved me. Although he never beat me, he did hit me once on our 8 years together and I was constantly berated and judged for everything I did, said liked or anything he could think of. I left him when I was 25. I spent the next 3 years discovering many things about myself and met my wonderful new husband Darryl. We have been married for two months now and nothing could be finer. He supports my struggle and helps me when I am unable to fight the demons. During the time I have been with Darryl, I have confronted ALL of my "fathers, mothers husbands" and have been to Abilene to face the demons I left there. I have never been happier or more proud of myself. Darryl has mad me realize I can and will be successful. I am still going to have to struggle and I am sure I always will, but I know now I can MAKE IT Brandy Underwood Please tell the world your story, it may help others, and isn't that what this life is all about.