for myself
i see you. i feel your pain, yet i reach out and you shy away. i swear to you i'm sorry, but you won't let me back in. you won't let me help again. is there anything i can say to fix all that hurt inside you? anything at all? you just stand there and shake your head. i see the tears run down your cheeks, i feel the fire that burns inside you. why did i do this? why was i so stupid? i threw away everything and i hurt you. i hurt my baby. i feel like dying for that, but i can't die. the world despises me yet they won't let me go. and i can't let you go. i scream at you and push you away from me, but you just stand there, showing me your pain and your fears. why can't i fix this? i just want to take away the past. let me fix it! damn you! you stand there and show me all this pain and you accuse me of these things, but you won't let it be my fault! damn you! just stop this. you take the whole world upon yourself. its not your fault! i did this. i hurt you and for that i should be dying, but you won't let me. you try to take my punishment away and put it upon yourself. stop taking care of me and take care of yourself. you just stand there. i can't tell what you're going to do. i see this hope out of the corner of my eye, but i turn around and nothing's there. i know what you're feeling, but you won't let me help. why can't i help you? is your pain really so bad that you think no one can understand it? i do understand and when i tell you that, you just take it as another attack. why won't you stop? let me back in so i can help you. i beg that of you, but you just turn your head. why? why did this happen? why couldn't i fix the hurt? i lay here and watch you get smaller and smaller and you walk away. i'm losing you. i can feel my heart fall, i can see this pain creeping back into the little hole where it used to live. i can see myself losing all hope once again. you turn to look at me. your face in a grimace of pain. you've given up too. why? why can't we fight this? why can't we fix what we've done? we see ourselves as expendable, yet i see you as my world. i don't know how you see me, for its hard to see through tears. its hard to understand why we matter, but we do. why can't i explain this to you? my words just get stuck in my throat and my tears wash away anything i've already said. i'm ready to die, but you won't let me. and now you're ready to die, but can i stop you? i swear to you, i know how you feel. i know what that pain is like. again, you just shake your head and cry. please let me in. please.......but is it too late? i think you're already gone. you've already given up on yourself. please say that's not true. please if you never say another word to me after this, please just tell me you still believe in yourself. no. i'm screaming at you, but you won't listen! NO! please don't do this. you're dying, but you won't let me die too. you're stabbing that knife deeper and deeper inside yourself and you make me watch. i long to lay beside you die and but you won't let me. you always have to keep me safe, but that won't happen. i can see you fall, i can see you bleed and i can see you long for a way out. there is a way out. its inside you, please don't die. you can fix it if you try. please trust me on this. i look into your eyes, your ever-changing eyes. i want to take that pain from you and put it within myself. i search for hope in those eyes. i think i see it shining through or is that just a tear? i can't tell. please let it be hope. you still breath, you still cry, but do you still care? i think you do for i can see that hope in your eyes. you're trying to live again. i see the wounds close a little bit. i pray for those wounds to heal and i pray for you to try again. please. i don't care if you love me and want to go. i just want you to live. please. just live. i watch you. i see you get up and i see your wounds close...not completely, but they're healing. that hope is back in your eyes, but i am alone. i watch you walk away and i just cry. you're going to live. and so i cry, not for you. for myself this time. for myself.......
February 98'
I Hope You Don't Mind
i sit here. thinking...knowing...waiting. I feel the pain creeping up on me, but i won't let it take over yet. i know I've lost you. i just don't want to believe it yet. I'm not sure what I'll do now. i feel lost, but at least this time...i know what's going to happen before you're actually gone. I just have to wait for the moment and once again, I'll have lost everything. Soon after that, friends will drift away, then the memories....and maybe after the that, the pain will subside a little bit. You think that I'm going to kill myself, don't you? I won't. This is all i have. There's nothing past death so i might as well live it out. I won't kill myself. I may die inside again. I still haven't fully gotten over the first time, but i won't end my life. Nothing is worth that. I love you. No matter what you say. No matter what you do. I can't stop loving you. I tried for two and a half months to stop that and i never could. I truly will love you forever. I may hate you along with it, but I'll never stop loving you. I'm sorry for all the times I've hurt you, but those of things i can't change and you won't let me fix them. You're holding onto them tight. I may have pushed you away, but now, you're pushing back just as hard as i was. I know you want to leave, and i know you still love me. You're just very scared. Scared that I'll be dead before you talk to me again and that it will be your fault. You don't need to be scared......my death won't be your fault unless you stop my heart yourself. Once again, you're broken your promises. This time, I won't forgive you. I'm sorry, but I can't do that twice in my life. You've hurt me too much...and even though you haven't kept up your part of the deal, I will keep mine. I'm here if you need me, I just hope you don't mind me being dead.....
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